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| Growing Up Caregiving
By Terry Tomasello
(Editor's Note: We welcome regular contributions from family caregivers and from "Godspeed" Caregivers like Theresa.)
At 52, Theresa Lackey had an amazing insight about her past: As a child, she played a caregiving role in her family. We asked her to look back at her caregiving experience, share the path that led to her insight and describe how caregiving has shaped her life today. Our questions and her answers follow.
Caregiving: Your caregiving role began as a young child. Can you tell us your earliest memories of helping your mom?
Theresa: My knowledge of my earliest “caregiving” experiences isn’t based on my memory but rather on the stories I’ve been told by my mother and other family members. My mother had severe back problems which eventually required surgery when I was a year old. As a result she spent a good deal of time in bed and could not lift or carry much weight, which included me. My role as caregiver was to be an “easy keeper” and to make it as easy as possible for my mother to mother. I was “Mother’s little helper”. If I needed my diaper changed I got the clean diaper, scooted my stair step toy box to the bed and climbed up on the bed with my mother to get my diaper changed. If I needed a drink I scooted my stair step to the sink where we had a pump to the cistern and got my drink. When it was nap time I pushed my steps to my mom’s bed and crawled across it into my crib. These are the things I’ve been told I did. So I suppose my earliest caregiving was caring for my self.
I do remember doing dishes and helping with my younger sister who was born when I was 4. I helped by bringing diapers, feeding her with the bottle, and just keeping an eye on her and entertaining her. I never prepared the bottle because of the risk of getting burned or changed her diapers because of the safety pins, but I loved helping take care of my sister.
Caregiving: Caregiving at a young age shaped your childhood. What was your childhood like for you?
Theresa: For the first six years we lived on a farm. I loved the farm then but now I realize what a difficult situation it was. We were isolated. The closest neighbor was my great grandmother a half mile away. We didn’t have a phone for the first few years, no indoor bathroom or running water. (We did have an indoor pump to the cistern at the kitchen sink.) My dad was working hard to support his family. My mom was basically disabled. I was trying to be helpful and keep everyone happy and taken care of. How crazy I’m amazed at how well we did manage then. It was lonely and scary at times for everyone.
We moved to town a month or so before I turned seven. That changed my childhood experience tremendously and probably allowed me to have a more “normal” childhood. We had neighbors and there were other kids to play with and I started school. My mother was more stable and not in so much crisis after we moved to town. I was still very conscious of being helpful and watching out for my sister. I was also a bit of a “little mother” in school, making sure everyone did things the “right” way, was in the right place at the right time, trying to keep everyone happy and feeling ok. I’m embarrassed to say I was a bit of a bossy micro manager as a child. But I wanted to keep everything in order.
Caregiving: What was the toughest part of being a caregiver as a child and teen-ager?
I don’t remember it as being tough as a child or teen-ager. It was a source of pride to be so helpful and caring and responsible. It felt grown up. That was my glory to be admired and praised for doing a good job. I do remember being scared of upsetting people if I made a mistake.
The tough part came more after I was married and working and had my own life responsibilities that I began to experience more conflict with my family over my caregiving role, or more accurately my lack of fulfilling my caregiving role.
Theresa: As an adult, you realized that your childhood was not "normal". With that realization, did you go through a grieving process for what could have been? If so, what was that like for you? Has the process ended?
I don’t see it as grieving for what could have been. It was more feeling angry and resentful for what was. I was angry and resentful for what seemed like “unrealistic” and unending expectations and demands that were placed on me. I was angry at my mother for her anger and actions toward us, her family. I viewed my relationship with my mother as unfair and I felt cheated and frustrated. I no longer had patience or tolerance or empathy for my mother’s ill health. I felt inconvenienced when I’d get the call telling me that she was in the hospital again and I better come see her. I resented the expectation that I was supposed to abandon my work obligations, leave my home and husband, change my plans, and in a sense give up what I wanted to do on a moments notice and come sit with her in the hospital. Oh if only I had know more about how to sit boundaries and hold my own center.
The process included blame and guilt. I blamed my mother for being sick and needing SO much, needing more than I could give. I felt guilty for being angry and not being the loving caring daughter I should be. I do want to say that even though I felt angry and resentful I was still kind and respectful in my interactions with my mother and I did go to see her and visit her. And I am grateful for that integrity on my part. The process also included being with my mother during the last week of her life as she went through her dying process. It didn’t really change the feelings but it was very freeing. In a way it unlocked the chains and allowed me begin a journey that was more healing. The process isn’t over and I don’t know that it will ever be. But now I can honor both our pain without blame and guilt or at least with less blame and guilt and more understanding and empathy for both our experiences. It is a journey along a path of growth and learning, and wisdom and healing and it impacts all aspects and relationships in my life not just the experience with my mother.
Caregiving: When did you gain the insight that you were a caregiver?
Theresa: It’s really only been in the last 2 or 3 months that I’ve thought about my self as a caregiver in the sense of what that word means today. I was never really responsible for the day to day decision making or physical hands on care for my mother. So I hadn’t thought of my self as a caregiver. The awareness evolved more out of my participation in the “Caregiving Years: Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey” class. I took the course as a professional intending to work with caregivers. I wanted gain insight about the caregiving experience and how to help caregivers. In the process I learned a lot about myself and my own life experience. How fun is that!
Caregiving: How has your caregiving role shaped your personality and your life path? How do you think you are different because of caregiving?
Theresa: I learned to be pretty self-reliant and take care of my own needs. I have a huge heart for caring and a deep desire to “help” others. I am solution-focused. One of the biggest challenges is knowing and setting my own boundaries. As a compulsive helper I want to jump in, take care of it, fix it and make everything okay so everyone feels okay. Sometimes the greatest help isn’t fixing the situation for someone it’s being there to offer support and encouragement as they struggle to find their own solution. For me the boundaries are a two way thing so that I’m not trying to fix what’s not mine to fix or being pulled into someone else’s “stuff”.
Caregiving: How did you become a professional coach working with family caregivers?
Theresa: The favorite part of every job I’ve ever had has been helping others develop goals and succeed in accomplishing what they wanted to do. I wanted to expand and develop those facilitation skills. So In January 2007 I enrolled in a coach certification program through the Coach Training Alliance in Boulder, CO and received my coach certification in July 2007. My work with caregivers actually began kind of by “accident” if there is such a thing. I happened to be in a meeting with a friend who directed an adult day care center. She talked with me about the kinds of extra services she wanted to provide through the adult day care and ways I might be able to use their facilities for coaching sessions. It started me thinking about working with caregivers. I talked with people from the local Alzheimer’s Association and a network of senior service providers, and received such a positive response. There seems to be a need. It’s a great fit.
Caregiving: Today, what do you give thanks for?
Theresa: I am grateful for my loving family, both my birth family and my chosen family (my husband and his family). I am thankful for the experience of life and the wisdom that comes with maturing. I am thankful for forgiveness (mine toward others and other’s toward me) and the healing it generates. And I am very grated for perspective because it allows me to see an experience from different sides and through different eyes and that’s what really makes the difference.
Theresa Lackey is a certified coach working with family caregivers who want to include self in their care giving. She received her certification in 2007 from Coach Training Alliance in Boulder Colorado. Her practice, Potential Discoveries Life Coaching and Group Facilitation, is located near Columbia, Mo., where she lives with her husband, 3 cats and a most intelligent Labrador. She and her husband enjoy traveling, camping, canoeing, and variety of home based projects and activities. Theresa also facilitates personal and spiritual growth workshops and retreats.
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