Denise M. Brown
Photo Credit:
Michael Prischmann

May 4, 2008

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Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You're not alone! Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Professional Caregiving Coach and Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

Dear Denise,

I don't know where to turn. I have tried talking to my husband's hospice workers but no suggestions were given.
Maybe I am looking for no more than a shove.

When my husband was diagnosed with advanced cancer, his son came into town...leaving his wife behind and announced he was staying until his Dad died. He also told me I put too much stock in the role of wife when we had a discussion about family visiting my husband. My "place" was made clear to me.

I had my husband with me for a while until he got pneumonia and it was agreed that during his recuperation he would stay in a house he owned before we were married.

I have small children...( he is the only father they have ever known and they are being treated as unimportant in this situation.). The idea was that the kids making noise and such would cause Bill to heal less effectively. I am ashamed that I LET my husband be taken from me. It has been two months and he is not home with me.

I am now visiting MY HUSBAND...visiting. Every right and responsibility has been taken from me...I am afraid of Bill's son. I am physically scared of him. Also Bill just wants everyone to get along. So I have been trying to remain peaceful. My husband could die and I could be across town when it happens!

I want my husband back for this short time he is alive. I don't know how to do this.

Hi,

I'm so sorry for all you're going through! What an upsetting and devastating time.

First, I hope you will let go of the shame surrounding your husband's living situation. It sounds like you really, truly believed in that decision at the time. So, at the time, that was the right decision. There's no shame in that.

You've seen the situation from new eyes now. So, my suggestion would be to consider:

1. Is your husband receiving the care he needs?
2. Are you able to see your husband as often as you both want?
3. What are the advantages of moving your husband home?
4. What are the disadvantages?
5. Who can mediate a discussion between your husband, your son and yourself to address your concerns, especially that you will not be there when he dies, about the current living situation? (The Hospice social worker can do this for you.)

Finally, this is such an important time for you and your husband. It's also an important time for him and his son. In five years, when you think back on this time, what actions/decisions can you take now that will make you proud?

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