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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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December 18, 2000
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Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You're not alone! Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving newsletter, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her at denise@caregiving.com. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours. Note: If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.
Hi Denise, My mother and father are both 56 years of age. They both care for my father's mother, who is 80 years of age and lives next door to them and suffers from dementia and arthritic knees. The biggest portion of the caretaking falls on my mother. My father's brother rarely , and I stress rarely sees his mother, however he only lives 40 miles away. He never calls; my grandmother always has to call him, and if she happens to leave a voice message, he rarely if ever calls her back. The same goes for his wife and children (two grown daughters) if my grandmother happens to phone them, they cut the call short, or if she leaves a message, never return her call. They do not acknowledge her birthday, mother's day or any other holiday for that matter. They never offer to give my parents a free weekend. My parents also care for my sister's 18 month-old-baby every day. The stress of my grandmother's needs and the baby's needs are overwhelming. They can never get away, rarely get to go anywhere alone and do not receive any help from my father's brother. His brother is near retirement age, but still has a full-time job, but is off work every weekend. My question is: How can we get my father's brother and his family to help more with my grandmother? My parents desperatly need a break. I would like some type of diplomatic way of going about it, or maybe have something mailed to his home to make him realize my parents should not be doing all the caregiving, because she is his mother as well. Please help! Hello, Have your parents directly ask for help? Often, the non-caregiving siblings have no idea of the time, commitment, stress and frustration involved. They won't offer to help because they may not perceive that help is needed. And, because your parents seem to be managing, your uncle may feel: They haven't asked, so they must not need it! Meet with your parents to determine their areas of needs. How often would they like a break? Is it a weekend a month off? Two nights a week? And, then, what would your uncle's responsibilities be during this time? Is he "on call" if she needs help? Or, is it to stay in her home with her? Be specific as possible so that when your parents make the request, so miscommunication won't occur. For instance, your parents may request: "Bill, Mother needs our attention and care 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We love her and are glad to help, but we need a break. Can we count on you to help every Tuesday evening for four hours? She needs someone to sit with her, make her dinner and keep her company while she watches TV." Of course, your uncle has shown your parents who he is and he may not agree to help. But, based on his past behavior, would he really be the best person to help? That’s not to say that your parents should do this alone. Not at all! If your brother and his family refuse your parent’s request for help, then begin to look in the community. Based on the needs you determine during your brainstorm session, begin the search within the community for help: volunteers, adult day centers, Meals on Wheels, personal response systems, home health aides (who can assist with personal care, light housekeeping and meal preparation). For information on services, call the ElderCare Locator at 800-677-1116. Also, check with United Way and Easter Seals for information about programs that can help. In addition, can other family members, friends or neighbors pitch in? Sometimes, because we’re so overwhelmed, we overlook help that may be right in our backyard. Consider all options, ask directly for help (and be specific), and then accept the help in whatever form it arrives (sometimes it looks different than we thought it would). In addition, contact the local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association for information and suggestions. Support groups are available; meeting with others in similar situations may help and may uncover services in the community that may be hard to find. Good luck and let me know what happens!
Hello Denise, I am writing out of concern for my sister's situation. She is taking care of a bedfast husband who she has to lift some, she does have a hydraulic lift that helps her a lot. Her main problem is her husband is getting so possessive he wants her undivided attention 24 hours a day. She is so stressed I am afraid for her health. He also has a feeding tube, he has some form of Alzheimer's disease and accuses her of meeting men and all sorts of things that they go through. I am just wondering if there is some way of getting her help in a financial way, she lives in Southern OK She thinks they will not be able to meet their bills if she puts him anywhere. I keep telling her there has to be something out there in the way of financial and emotional help. I would appreciate any help you can give us. Thank you. Dorothy Hello Dorothy, She (or you, on her behalf) should contact the local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association. The staff can refer her to services that can help, support groups, respite services (so she can get regular breaks--very important!) and local programs that they may qualify for. In addition, she should contact her local Area Agency on Aging to find out about any financial assistance (if you can't find the phone number in the Yellow Pages, call the ElderCare Locator at 800-677-1116). Every state has laws that protect the assets of the spouse at home if a spouse is placed in a nursing home. For instance, if she places her husband in a nursing home, your friend is entitled to keep the house and a certain amount of assets. The Area Agency on Aging will have information about this program, called Spousal Impoverishment. In addition, contact the United Way and Easter Seals offices for more information about local programs. Good luck!
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