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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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January 1, 2001
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Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You're not alone! Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving newsletter, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her at denise@caregiving.com. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours. Note: If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.
Dear Denise, You've probably heard this question many times, but I'm fairly new to caregiving and have not figured out what to do with this situation. I work full time and have four children (21,17, 14, 11). My father died 2 ½ years ago, leaving behind my mother who is now 82. She is in faily good physical health, with some hearing loss. She lives about 1 hour away from my family. In the past 2 ½ years, I helped sell her house, clean it out and handled the move to a senior citizens center, where she now owns a condo. This has been a godsend, in that they have a bus to take her shopping and on excursions (she doesn't drive). There is also a weekly health clinic that handles medical situations. She is alert and enjoys getting out. My husband and I go down to her place weekly to handle her bills, run errands, and visit. I handle appointments, such as with the health clinic, and other situations that come up over the phone. My husband (God bless him) sometimes goes alone to see her and has taken her to appointments in the city. He has taken time off of work, as have I. I call her on a daily basis. Eventually, I am sure my caretaking role will increase. I am glad I'm able to do this for my mother, but at the same time I am resentful and angry at my brother for not assisting in any way. He lives in Arizona, has a wife who does not work and a one-year-old son. He is financially comfortable. He has been out to see my mother for a two-day visit one time in a year and a half. I have not said anything to him, other than it would mean alot to my mother if he came to visit more often. His response was, why doesn't she come out here. My mother is fearful of travelling alone. I've told her I will take a three-day weekend to take her out there, but this puts a strain on me financially and time wise. Any suggestions on dealing with my brother? I'm afraid my resentment will affect our relationship and my also come out in my relationship with my mom? Should I talk to him again, write a letter or just grin and bear it as this is the way things will be? Thank you for your help. Sincerely, Mary Lou Hi Mary Lou, Happy New Year!... ...Which is a great opportunity to start fresh. So, collect your thoughts. Write down your answers to this question: What do you and your mother need from your brother? Once you've created your list, pick one request (for instance, that he call your mother every week) that's a priority. Then, call him. Make your specific request. Explain your reasoning, why you and your mother need this. Then, allow him to speak his mind, argue with you, be defensive. But, don't back down from your request. And, don't respond in a defensive matter to him. This is about him, not about you or about your mother (you're just the ones who suffer). It's about him. After you've made your request, you've listened to his point of view, then get back to the point of the call: Can he help you and your mother with this specific request? Get a firm yes or no from him. If he says yes, then ask for details: When, how, where, etc. (Getting a firm commitment from him makes it harder for him to back out.) If he says no (and this is his right), then thank him for listening. Tell him you're disappointed, but appreciate that he listened to your request. Any time you have a request from him (and you should make requests of him!), just follow this exercise. Often, other family members are completely oblivious to our needs as caregivers and our care recipients' needs as people. And, unfortunately, these needs aren't heard or understood unless they are specifically described. Even worse, our requests won't be heard if we put others on the defensive or make them feel attacked. Which is why it's important for you to remain calm and listen to his words. When you hear him, you'll understand better how to communicate with him. Of course, sometimes other family members are just unable to help in these kinds of situations, usually because of their own fears (fear of their own mortality is common). If he can't help, then try to find help in your community or from other relatives or friends. And, if he can't help, remember this is a much bigger problem for him (can you imagine the regrets?) than for you. Remember: Just because you can't get help from him does not mean you should go it alone. Just look for help from other sources. Good luck and let me know what happens.
Dear Denise, An older relative, who had a minor stroke several months ago, has been steadily declining physically and cognitively. One very disturbing behavior that she has started is that she is apparently digging at herself with her fingers during bowel movements. Increasingly she is found with fecal matter on her index finger and feces are found on the towels and in the sink. Would it be appropriate to talk with her about my concerns regarding bowel elimination, perhaps approach it from a level of concern that she may be constipated. Is this common? How have others approached this behavior? Hello, A very common problem! It does seem that she may be constipated. I would first suggest a call to her doctor: What can he or she suggest? Medication, changes in diet, a regular exercise program? Then, in your discussion with your relative, you can mention that her doctor would like her to take this medicine or follow this diet. Often, the weight of the doctor's words work wonders. You don't mention where your relative lives, so I assume she lives at home? If so, does she have any assistance during the day? Because she seems to be struggling with managing her bowel movements, I wonder if other areas of daily living are slipping? Does she seem to be eating properly? Does she seem to be dressed appropriately? Are you finding old, moldy food in the refrigerator? She many be need of additional help. You can call your Area Agency on Aging to find out about programs and services that can help. For instance, perhaps Meals on Wheels will ensure she has nutritious meals. A home health aide can assist with personal care (including toileting) and perhaps increase your relative's activity level (which will help with her bowel movements). In addition, she may be appropriate to attend an adult day center, which has a lunch-time meal, activities and socialization. If you can't find the number for the agency in your phone book, then call the ElderCare Locator at 800-677-1116. If your relative lives in an assisted living facility or nursing home, then be sure to discuss your concerns with the staff. The staff should have suggestions on how to help. Good luck!
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