Caregiving Support Center: 10 Ways To Resolve Conflict with an Aging Relative

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10 Ways To Resolve Conflict with an Aging Relative

Carolyn and her husband, Frank, are having a normal day, which means that they are both so mad at each other that they’ve spent the day in silence. Carolyn became so mad at Frank earlier in the day that as soon as he turned his back, Carolyn stuck her tongue out at him.

In the moment, it felt great. She stuck her tongue out for a long time, even wiggling her hips (okay, her backside) to get a little bit of motion behind it, reinforcing exactly what she meant by sticking out her tongue. Yes, in the moment, it felt great.

But, a few hours later, the guilt has set in. “Yesh,” she thought, “when did it all become so childish?”

Carolyn and Frank are engaged in a Battle of the Wills. Carolyn wants Frank to accept help; Frank has set his heals in the ground--he won’t accept help and he’s not budging. Now the days are spent in anger and frustration. And, they’re both exhausted from it.

Your aging relative needs help. You find what seems to be the perfect solution. The problem? Your aging relative refuses.

To help manage conflict with an aging relative, we've compiled these tips:

1. Respect that everyone processes change at a different pace. Your aging relative faces a huge change, which can be very scary and very upsetting.

2. Listen for the emotion behind the words. Is your aging relative angry, sad, overwhelmed? Then, validate those feelings, saying, “It’s absolutely understandable why you would so angry and upset, Mom. How can I help?”. Validating means you’ve heard your aging relative—and that’s meeting a huge need. We all want to be heard. Communication often really begins when listening starts.

3. Involve a third-party, a trusted professional or family friend, who can help mediate discussions with your aging relative. Physicians, lawyers, and ministers or rabbis often can help smooth rough waters with your aging relative. And, bad news is often best delivered from a third-party, rather than from you.

4. You may feel that you wear a t-shirt with a bulls-eye at which your aging relative constantly takes aim. Take off the t-shirt! When discussions become verbally abusive, end the phone conversation, walk away, take a walk, escape to your room. Then, set boundaries for future discussions. Remember that the disease and illness (and sometimes the aging relative’s disposition and circumstances) are to blame—not you.

5. Give back some control. Be sure your aging relative has some control, when appropriate, over the decisions about care.

6. Show gratitude with words and action: Give your aging relative a hug and say, “Thank you for being such a trooper. It’s great to be on the same team with you.” Positive reinforcement often nets positive actions.

7. Focus on the expectations you have of your own behavior. What behavior do you feel is acceptable when your aging relative tries to lay a guilt trip on you? How would you like to react when your aging relative starts to manipulate you?

8. Recognize what you can control. You can't control your aging relative, but you can control your knowledge of your aging relative's disease and of the community programs and services that can help. Staying informed of options and solutions helps.

9. Forgive you and your aging relative your bad days. You both are humans operating under challenging and difficult circumstances.

10. Keep your sense of humor. Laugh when you can, and even better, laugh with your aging relative; you'll keep a healthy perspective.

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