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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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When It’s Missing Love: Caregiving in a Difficult Relationship If you have a history of abuse at the hands of a care recipient, can your caregiving experience still be successful? We asked Patty Bravo, whose mother has struggled with alcoholism for most of Patty’s life, to share her experiences and her thoughts. Patty resides in Oklahoma; her mother, in Florida. Caregiving: Tell us about your childhood, specifically, your mom’s difficulties. How did your childhood shape you? Patty: I am the second oldest of four children, two girls, two boys. I was born in 1955 and raised in a small Connecticut town located on Long Island Sound. It was an era of “what happened in the privacy of your home stayed there.” We lived in a brick “cape cod” style two-story home in the suburbs--a predominantly middle class neighborhood. My parents married later in life (Mom was 30) than most of their peers which impacted the values I grew up with. I was in third or fourth grade when I became cognizant of my mother’s behavior not being the norm. She had incredible mood swings (later diagnosed as manic-depression) which were self medicated with alcohol. During these episodes, for reasons still unknown by myself or my siblings, I was usually the physical and emotional target during her tirades. Obviously this created, among other problems, significant self-esteem issues, trust and relationship problems, as well as becoming codependent for me. Only through lots of professional counseling as an adult did I manage to come to terms with and eventually resolve many of these issues. I do want to point out, strange as it might sound, that I had an incredible childhood full of wonderful experiences! My parents were both very charismatic people, who loved sailing, the out-of-doors, camping and having fun! We spent our summers camping on Cape Cod and sailing all over Long Island Sound. On blustery March Saturdays, my Mother would take us out to the beach to fly kites. She had a sense of adventure and mischief that each of us have been blessed with. On rainy Friday afternoons, she had the popcorn popper (with the glass lid and receptacle for the butter) all set to go when we arrived home from school. My mother taught us empathy and a sense of community through her acts of kindness with sick or elderly friends. Family was important. My parents raised four very independent, self reliant, strong children. And nestled between all of these wonderful memories are the other times that weren’t so wonderful. Caregiving: How would you describe your relationship with your mom as a child? As a young adult? Today? Patty: As a child it was adversarial. I couldn’t understand what it was I was doing wrong all of the time. I was frequently told I was my own worst enemy. I think at times negative attention seemed better than no attention and therefore I wasn’t the easiest child to get along with. I am quite sure that at times I did things intentionally to irritate my mother. However, the punishment usually didn’t fit the crime. I talked back once too often to my mother and was slapped so severely in the face that my lips were split and swollen to the point I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t go to school for a day or so. Upon returning to school, the principal asked what happened. When I told them, I am not sure they believed me. My mother once remarked that I was “the shortest labor and delivery out of four children….probably so I could get out into the world faster and start arguing with her sooner.” But, on the flip side, I remember my mother very patiently teaching me embroidery stitches. I was left-handed and she had to show it to me backwards so I could learn. She was very supportive of my artist and creative talents, as well as my interest in cooking. Adolescence was an extremely painful period of time. I did not have a “mother-daughter” relationship that allowed me to really talk to her. Most of my peer’s mothers were in their 30’s, my mother was in her 50’s. I was told, “I am your mother, not your friend”. At the time I could not understand that this actually was a good thing. By then we had moved to Florida; my dad retired because of heart disease. My mother’s drinking was pretty well out of control, as was her behavior. I never knew what I was coming home to. My dad would let us know that “She’s just looking for an excuse to go off, so watch it.” I later realized what an incredibly stressful time this would have been for her: Her husband was dying, she had four kids under the age of 16, and our financial situation had changed drastically. She reluctantly moved from a place she loved and had spent her life to a location without friends or a support system. She worked full time to help support the family. Her life had been turned upside down and she couldn’t adjust. She harbored a lot of anger. As a typical egocentric teenager I was pretty unhappy. Living in a very dysfunctional setting made it even worse. I could never please my mother, no matter how hard I tried. Love and approval were very conditional; the rules changed constantly. I was the target of more and more physical and emotional abuse. My mother was a very nasty, mean-spirited person when drinking. I could not assert myself in anyway for fear of retaliation. If we argued she would tell me, “Your father is going to hear us and if he gets upset you know what will happen (heart attack, off to the hospital) and it will be your fault.” When you hear these things often enough you begin to believe them. I turned a lot of my feelings inward. At the age of 18, I enlisted in the Air Force. It was a very difficult decision to leave my father (we were very close) but I felt I had to get away in order to survive. It was the best decision I could have made. As a young adult, my relationship with my mother did not really improve. There was just distance between us. She would call me when she was very intoxicated, angry, and looking for someone to yell at, blame and call names. She knew just what buttons to push. I finally figured out (with the encouragement of my friend, Susan) that I could tell my mother I am not going to listen to this and hang up. Empowerment! Eventually I received treatment for situation depression--the beginning of self discovery for me. I started to see myself in a different light and slowly learned to assert myself. My self-esteem issues took time but slowly I went through a kind of metamorphosis. Unfortunately, my relationship with my mother was not a part of it. I was changing and I think she resented the loss of control over me. Now, I yelled back. I would tell her how I felt or let her know I wasn’t going to listen to her drunken arguments anymore. An all-time low point was when I was transferred from Germany to Oklahoma. I didn’t let her know where I was. We were incommunicado for over a year. It was painful, but less painful than having to deal with her verbal abuse. I continued to seek professional counseling off and on, trying to learn how to deal with all of the “baggage” I carried with me over the years. In my 30’s I finally learned to let go of much of the hurt. This was a turning point in my life and our relationship. I was maturing and my mother was softening a bit. I began to see that my mother did the best she could with what she had. She drank to take off the edges of the “highs and lows”; the alcoholism was really secondary to the manic depressive illness. My sister and I had hundreds of conversations about this over the years. My mother was finally diagnosed in her 70’s when she was hospitalized with a broken hip. She had a reaction to pain medication, coupled with nicotine and alcohol withdrawal. The psychiatrist who was consulted told my sister what she and I already knew: Mom was manic-depressive and self medicated with alcohol. I began to see my mother in a different light. In some ways I felt sad for her; other times, angry and questioning. Why didn’t she seek help? Well, in the 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s there weren’t the mental health resources of today. If you had psychiatric problems you were admitted to a “mental hospital”. The medications were not available. The social stigma of having a mental illness was incredibly high. The biggest impedance, however, was my father (I learned this later). My mother and I slowly became friends. When I was deployed to the Middle East during the Gulf War, my mother was very supportive, writing letters and sending care packages. I think the first time she truly saw me as an accomplished adult was when she attended my retirement ceremony from the Air Force. It was bittersweet. Along the way I no longer tolerated her attempts to manipulate me. I perfected my abilities to assert myself in a non-confrontational manner and would attempt to discuss things with her as an adult to adult. When she became unreasonable I would tell her that I am not going to argue and I’ll talk to her later. At the same time when I shared good news with her, I let her know that she “was in part” a reason for my success. She helped to provide me with many skills and a strong set of ethics. Today, my mother and I are the friends I had always hoped for. It is not a perfect relationship but I have finally figured out that there is no such thing. It is, however, a comfortable and no longer conditional relationship. We can agree to disagree. I call her weekly if not more often. Sometimes we argue and she is the one that says “I don’t want to discuss this any further, I’ll talk to you later”. I send care packages of treats only I know she would appreciate. I have taken the time to get to know my mother as a person. We tell each other jokes and tidbits. We share things we read or family history. At 84 she no longer drinks and her moods are fairly stable. I wish there were not so many miles between us. After three failed marriages I finally found my soul mate. My mother thinks the world of my husband. We have offered to move my mother out to Oklahoma but she has graciously declined. I visit her as often as possible; in fact, this year I saw her twice. A very long time ago she told me that she and her mother fought like cats and dogs…and later in life they became the best of friends. It’s ironic how history repeats itself. Caregiving: Your mom’s current living situation is, as you recognize, not ideal. But, you’ve realized that the life she lives is her choice—a realization that’s much easier said than done. What process did you go through to come to this realization? Patty: Through a variety of influencing factors. Professional counseling, a wonderful friend (Susan) who mentored me through the roughest years, higher education….and time all contributed. My training in Occupational Therapy taught me how to be objective. Additionally, long, introspective conversations with my sister and my training as an Ombudsman volunteer helped to teach me that people have the right to make decisions for themselves, even if they are poor decisions. We cannot control everything nor do we have the right to try. People have the right to folly. Caregiving: How have you resolved your anger toward your mom? Does that anger over the past ever raise its ugly head? If so, how do you tame it? Patty: The anger over the past does boil up every now and then, especially when my mother calls with a problem that she created. Part of the alcoholic personality is an “external locus of control” i.e., they are not responsible for the consequences of their actions; everything that happens is someone else’s fault. She allows situations to occur as a result of her decisions and when it blows up in her face (this usually involves finances) she calls me. My sister and I used to be the “Bank of Patty and Corinne” and would come to her rescue. We have since come to realize we were just perpetuating the situation. As hard as it has been, I have told my mother I do not have the funds to send to her. I make sure that her power or water aren’t turned off and she has groceries. Our younger brother (also an alcoholic who works as little as possible) lives at home with her. If I send money to my mother, it allows my motivationally challenged sibling to continue to work as little as possible. It’s a real balancing act. I vent my frustrations to my sister, husband, or friends and then move on. I know I am doing the right thing. I rely on my support system as a sounding board. If it gets to the point where I am really worried, I will call Adult Protective Services in Florida and have a case worker assess the situation. I have also informed my brother of this. Caregiving: What suggestions can you offer these family members so that they may know success in their role as family caregivers? Patty: I think the most important suggestion would be to get help in dealing with the issues that cause you to feel anger and resentment. You can’t move forward if you are anchored to the past. It is difficult, if not impossible to be an effective, compassionate caregiver if your gut instinct is to lash out at (or throttle) the care recipient. This not only sets the stage for possible abuse of the care recipient but adds to the emotional pain of the caregiver. I strongly recommend professional counseling, either in the mental health arena, faith community or through a caregiver support group. I would recommend assertiveness training which includes learning effective communication skills. Often in these situations, the care recipient continues to try to control or manipulate the caregiver, perpetuating feeling of hurt and/or anger (no matter how old you or they are). I think the point is for the caregiver to become empowered, to learn how to take charge of his or her feelings. Part of the empowerment process is learning how to ask and accept help, learning about resources such as respite, and accepting the fact that they, the caregivers, are human and every human being has limits. Having an empathic support system helps but a system of objective feedback is probably more beneficial. This is not an overnight process, nor is it painless. However, I personally have learned the payoff of a healthier relationship is worth the effort. Caregiving: Tell us about your life today—career, marriage, future goals. Patty: Well, as I state previously, after three failed marriages I found my soul mate. We are happy, secure in our relationship, and truly are life partners. We have been married for almost 5 years. We live in a small “Mayberry” sort of town in a 90-year-old house with 2 cats and 2 dogs. My husband has two adult sons from his first marriage. I enjoy a good relationship with my step-sons. I like the person I am today, but also realize I still have some issues to work on. I learned that some of my (and my siblings) idiosyncrasies are a direct byproduct of being raised in a dysfunctional setting with alcoholism. However, I do not view this as a permission slip for not being a productive member of society. It merely helps me to understand and perhaps be more compassionate of others in a similar setting. After retiring from 22 years in the Air Force I went back to school and became licensed as an Occupational Therapist Assistant. While working with the geriatric population at the VA Hospital I discovered how much I enjoyed working with this population. I took a few gerontology classes and decided I wanted to further my education in this area. I went back to school again. I will graduate in December 2003 (with honors) with a B.S. in Family Life Education and Gerontology. I am currently completing a practicum at the Department of Human Service, Aging Services Division. I now find myself gravitating towards an emerging population of grandparents raising grandchildren. Until two months ago, I was an Ombudsman Volunteer, an advocate for residents of long term care facilities. Due to time constraints I had to admit I had to trim something from my schedule. As for my future career, I hope to work with the senior population. I would like to manage a community service project for seniors or a program which provides services to allow independent living. Actually I have a long list of career ideas I would like to explore. As for the future, I plan to pursue a graduate degree, most likely in gerontology. I speak some Spanish now but want to become fluent. I would like to resume my volunteer work as an Ombudsman. I have been collecting sayings and “food for thought” ideas over the years that I plan to put together and publish--even if I just end up giving copies away to friends. They are words that make me smile, shed a few tears, and most often, laugh. I want to continue to learn and grow and play. I believe very much that “We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.” (Oliver Wendell Holmes) (Editor's Note: Reprinted from the November issue of Caregiving! newsletter. Order your annual subscription.) Would you like to share your perspective on your caregiving journey? Just e-mail your story to Denise. |
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