A thought provoking question to be sure; depending on where you are in your life your answers could be endless or perhaps a certain day or two instantly comes to mind.

Due to my parents’ decline I’ve been looking back a lot lately, capturing and storing memories.  The past few years have included a great deal of heartache to include the loss of several immediate and distant family members along with the death of our family pet.  To answer the question of what I would live over it is tempting to want to leapfrog past more recent years to a relatively calmer period.

But, if I could relive any day of my life it would be… today.

Mind you, today wasn’t the easiest of days. It involved numerous home chores both physical and mental. I had to work through several of those “little” questions posed by my children. You know, the ones which sound innocent but carry enormous repercussions. I made preparations for my next visit with Mom and Dad. Dad recognizes almost no one anymore, including his wife of 66 years. He’s such a gentleman that he gives polite answers to questions but when pressed will admit doesn’t know who any of us are or he will just stare blankly. Mom recognizes relationships but no longer has the language skills to properly label them. That’s why I go from being her “son”, “brother”, “husband”, to “nephew”, all in a single conversation. She knows she’s connected to me, whatever that connection is called.  She too, however, is experiencing more and more moments of total non-recognition.

So why repeat today?

Because today was the culmination of all that had occurred in my past. The lessons God had taught me, the experiences He allowed me to have and brought me through. I wouldn’t have been me today without all of the “todays” which preceded. My past had equipped me for the task at hand. While I could wish it had been easier or that there was another way (God knows I wish my wife, brother, niece and dog were still alive), if I were to change the past, today wouldn’t have happened.

Today I got to love on my family to the best of my ability. I was far less than perfect, the circumstances by no stretch of the imagination ideal. Today my family loved me, each in his or her own way.  They were far less than perfect, the circumstances less than ideal…

… and I wouldn’t mind reliving the day all over again.

How do you prepare visiting family members and friends for dementia’s behavior? Please share your experiences in our comments section, below.

Reminder: We’re solving your problems on our live call-in show, which airs tonight (January 24) at 7:30 p.m. ET. Do you have a caregiving worry or concern you can’t resolve? Call us tonight at (646) 652-4944 and we’ll help you find your answer. Listen to our live show (or download the podcast for later listening) here.

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“Caregiving is not easy. I can’t imagine care-receiving is either.”

Dana, a new blogger on Caregiving.com, (Welcome Dana!) made the above comment and it reminded me of one of the “joys” of sandwich caregiving especially when your kids are teenagers. My kids see my parents and have heard our family history (on both sides of the family we live a long time (90′s-100′s) and die with dementia). My kids are waiting for me to become my parents; in fact they have already begun plotting.

My son and daughter talk about what they intend to do with me in my senior years when I’m “forgetful and helpless”. They’ve already made passionate promises about how they’re going to take care of me, wheel me around in my chair and how I’ll never have to go into a nursing home.

I would almost think of it as thoughtful, except that they:

(a) like to do it in front of me… as if I’m not in the room and

(b) believe that the forgetful and helpless part has already started to happen.

My response usually runs along the likes of the famous Bill Cosby line, “…I brought you into this world and I can still take you out!”

It does make me wonder however, if this is how my parents felt as my brother, sister and I began our “plot” as we observed changes in Mom and Dad and wondered what to do about it. Our parents later encouraged us to do exactly that, to begin planning, not realizing we had begun several years prior behind their backs. Their parenting style did not lend toward making this a corroborative effort. It was always going to “us vs them” but at least at one point, on some level, they recognized that the need existed.

Care receiving isn’t easy. No one grows up planning on becoming a care receiver. Yet for most of us, that is what we have to look forward to. Fortunately with us aging Baby Boomers, the financial and estate aspects of getting older are getting overdue attention but perhaps more needs to be said about our attitudes as well. How good are we at allowing others to help us?

My kids and I talk about this. I assured them that I’m going to be as stubborn and difficult as possible.  :-)

Still, it’s disconcerting to have your kids hover around you, looking for any sign of degradation. But while they’re watching me for any signs that I’ve become my parents, I’m watching them daily become me.

And they don’t understand why I look at them and smile.

Dad is back in his facility and resting comfortably. No specific caused found his seizure but we’ll be making the rounds of the Dr’s in the days and weeks to come. I learned that the original seizure occurred in the shower so I’m feel blessed that Dad didn’t get injured in there.

I need to buy flowers for the staff.

When I returned from the ER with Dad, I went and checked on Mom. She was sitting comfortably in her room alone, oblivious that anything out of the ordinary had happened at all. When she saw me she proceeded to run down every family member she could think of.

It was a strange list in many ways. She started off by asking me if my mother was alright, to which I answered she’s fine, she proceeded to name my brother and pronounced him fine, she named several of her sisters, many of whom are also dead… and pronounced them fine, and she named several more people, who were actually alive thankfully… and summed it all up with

“… and everyone is fine!”

She’s right you know. We are.

I usually answer vaguely, “It was interesting…”

As you know from my last post the Christmas holiday began with my wedding anniversary which meant a trip to the cemetery and commemorating my wife’s death. Dad’s physical state declined to the point that I wondered whether he was going to live through the end of the month. Several times I came close to calling in family to say good-bye.

Christmas Day my daughter dislocated her elbow. Two words “tram” – “poline”. Nuff said!

The fact that we were at a medical professional’s house when this happened is the only thing that saved us from a Christmas afternoon in the ER. After Christmas we did the rounds of x-rays, MRI’s, etc before she starts physical therapy.

Physically I saw some slight improvement in Dad, which has led me to hold off the family call to my sister but Mom’s mental state is declining. For the first time she is becoming verbally incoherent. Not all of the time but increasingly I’m having a hard time making out individual words.

Overall the kids have classified this as a very good holiday. Even my daughter, arm in a sling, has mostly been happy.

I’m writing this from the ER.  My Dad had a seizure this morning and for a while was unresponsive at the nursing home.  He was rushed to the hospital and I was contacted. He’s stable now and we should get released soon.

I know not to predict outcomes. Dad could be with us for some time to come but after the deaths of my wife and brother…

I’m going to call my sister tonight.

Today I saw new “Welcome Home” banners posted on the fence line outside the base. A unit must be returning soon. I pray they make it back in time for Christmas, it’ll be close. I remember those days and smile, happy for the returning Marines and their families.

Today I took my Dad to yet another doctor appointment. This was follow-up from the latest round of tests. I was actually hoping for something straightforward like a urinary tract infection. At least that is treatable and would explain the symptoms he’s experiencing, the exhaustion and physical decline. Instead the tests were all negative; a good thing of sorts but I’m left with the painful thought that I’m losing my Dad and once again there is nothing I can do. The morning appointment wiped Dad out and when I checked on him in the afternoon he was sleeping again.

Today I noticed Mom is getting comfortable apart from Dad. Given the direction Dad is heading this could be construed as a good thing. It is significant though given their 66 years together. I also notice Mom is having a harder time recognizing Dad. Also significant given their lengthy marriage.

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. I bought a rose and an anniversary card. The card said in part, “For my wife, wishing we could be together on our anniversary… I hope you know how very much I love you.” I laid the rose on my wife’s grave. The card I’m keeping.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’m ready for today to be over.

I agree… but….

As this disease (Alzheimer’s) progresses, I would also say the relationship does reverse. When our children are at their youngest, parenting is less about correction and imparting of life lessons and primarily about provision, protection and the giving of unconditional love. When my parents and I were younger I offered the love but was never responsible for providing for them let alone protecting them. Especially from themselves. Regrettably, I’m there now with my Mom and Dad.

At one point this past weekend I put my hand to my Dad’s face to ensure he was still breathing and shook him to waken him. I came close to calling my sister and telling her she needed to make her final visit.

A doctor’s trip later, immediate crisis past, adjustments to his care are being made but more tests and follow-up this coming week and his general decline continues.

Providing, protecting, giving unconditional love…

My parents will indeed always be my parents. As another writer who dealt with Alzheimer put it, caring for my parents is not a “duty I have to do”, this is a task ”I get to do.” Yet with the above definition in mind I say yes I am now parenting my parents. It is my honor to do so. for as long as I can.

I tried a new track and asked them both what they wanted for Christmas. Dad didn’t answer. He barely lifted his head. Mom paused for only a second before answering, “Come over and have dinner with us.”

Huh! I hadn’t expected that but thought why not! I know their favorite food, fried chicken and coca cola. Something even I can do. Christmas dinner it is.

It was lunch time so I walked Mom to her table. She held my hand and high-stepped behind me. She was happy. I then went back to Dad and waited for his wheelchair to be brought out. Dad was barely responsive to all questions or comments so I just sat quietly next to him and looked across the room at Mom ensuring she was still alright and that she stayed in her seat at the table, when I felt it… a hand, my Dad’s hand.

Dad had placed his hand on my knee. His eyes were still closed, his head down, but he’d gently laid his hand on me letting me know we were still connected.

No words necessary.

Mom and Dad seemed to push all of my emotional buttons today during my visit with them.  Dad is increasingly tired and now having trouble just sitting up.  He speaks when spoken to but when he opens his eyes there is no sense of recognition.  When asked who I am, he just stares blankly.  He hasn’t spoken my name in a several months.

Mom was her usual vocal self but today she peppered me with questions… about loved ones who are all dead.  She asked about her parents, her sisters, my wife and my brother.  She looked over at Dad and mis-indentified him as her sister.  Mom then began an extensive line of questions asking me about, my ‘mother’.  “Do you have a mother?”  “Where is your mother?”  “I haven’t seen your mother in a long time.”

I tried to asure her that my mother was very close by to which Mom answer, “oh yeah, I waved at her.”  :-/

In between Mom carried on her usually line of thought regarding going home.  And that was what was most disturbing, Dad is always content wherever he is.  Today for the first time, he too talked about going home.

This was balanced by an unintentional but very welcome gift from my two children.  One evening last week while I was out they rummaged through the house looking for something for a project of theirs.  They unearthed instead some CD’s.  The CDs were recordings made by my wife in the summer before her death.  I knew about the recordings but had been unable to find them and assumed they were lost forever.  Now I can hear my wife’s beautiful soprano voice as I have not been able to in over five years.  I told the kids I have my Christmas gift.

Just a typical week in my single parent, Sandwich caregiving world, when things are going good with the kids, my parents present a challenge.  When my parents are having a good week, the kids usually are not.  Add in working full-time and well… I’m never bored.

Because of my recent past, I usually don’t look forward to the holidays and Christmas espcially.  Don’t know what’s ahead, Dad in particular has me concerned but this year I am more optimistic than I’ve been in awhile.  A good blog party is going to help.

Claire and I shared thoughts about the importance of involving your caree in worship services (assuming your caree worships) for as long as possible. I’d love to know: What tips work for you and caree at worship services? How do you make the time in your house of worship successful for you and your caree? Although our conversation focused on carees with dementia, please share tips that can work for any family caregiver and caree, regardless of the diagnosis.

Please share your ideas and solutions in our comments section, below.

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