The tips mentioned in the article include:

• using the Family and Medical Leave Act in order to create plans, manage emergencies, transition your caree into another care setting;
• checking with your HR Department to learn about resources available to you which can help, including an Employee Assistance Program or Work/Life benefit;
• talking with your boss about a plan to mange your work load and your caregiving responsibilities;
• carving out time for your own hobbies and interests;
• keeping focused on the present and letting go of the “what was.”

I’d love to know what tips you would add. How do you manage work and caregiving? Do you have tips about how to work effectively with co-workers when you’re also swamped with caregiving? How do you manage an unsupportive boss? Do you worry about whether or not to quit your job? Or, do you keep you job out of financial necessity or because it provides a respite from caregiving?

Please share your experiences and thoughts in our comments section, below.

Resources

• You’ll find tips on how to manage caregiving and your career (including your small business) here.
• A back-up plan is a necessity in caregiving, regardless of whether or not you work. You’ll find articles which can help you create back-up plans here.

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We intended to talk about G-J’s plan for her summer and to take a look back at the past year for her. As we began to speak about her plans for the summer, we moved into another discussion: Managing life when a illness or diagnosis can make every day different.

G-J spoke about the great day Steve had on Monday. And, then he had a really hard day yesterday. The good days can trick because they seem to indicate all is okay. The bad days can upset because they’re the reality check that hits the heart.

G-J talked about the most difficult impact of his diagnosis of mild cognitive impairment (MCI): Knowing he can’t return to a job he absolutely loved. When he asks about returning to work, G-J finds herself in the position of being the bearer of bad news.

Because every day can be different, G-J plans options for their day so that they do when Steve feels up to it. If he’s having a hard day, they can adjust to accommodate what he needs.

So… I wonder: How do you manage life when every day can be different because of your caree’s illness? Please share your thoughts and insights in our comments section, below. One of our commentors will receive an autographed copy of Good Morning! Sunny Reflections to Start Your Day. (And, congrats to Debbie, who won an autographed copy of Good Morning for sharing what it’s like for her with family.)

(And, Happy Birthday to Bette!)

Resources

• Keep Your Brain Buff, a free webinar presented by G-J
• What’s caregiving like for you? Share your experiences in our 2011 Annual Family Caregiver Survey; get a 30-minute coaching session with Denise and a chance to win a $100 Amazon.com gift card. Take the survey here.

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Holly shared several suggestions, including eliminating a question when assigning tasks. Meaning, instead of asking her husband to help, she assigns the task to him. “I’d like you to…” becomes the request.

She also uses these questions when determining whether or not an activity or task may be too much:

• Is he safe?
• Is this too much?

We spoke about a process you can use when determining how much and for how long with your caree:

1. Observe your caree during the task or outing;
2. Assess how your caree did;
3. Choose whether or not your caree needs a break; needs the outing or task to be modified; needs more assistance.

Your caree is on a different channel, Holly explained. So how do you tune in your caree’s channel? Be present—make decisions on how much and for how long during the moment. Then, make the adjustments necessary. Being flexible allows you to select a solution that’s right for that moment.

Holly also described herself as her husband’s coach. She gives him tasks and responsibilities, modifying and bringing in more help as necessary, because she feels better with his help. When he helps, she removes the bitterness about their situation and moves into feeling grateful for his help.

As his coach, Holly sees herself in the position of “pushing.” “We shouldn’t apologize for pushing,” she said.

I’d love to know your thoughts about being your caree’s coach. If you view your role as coach, how does your approach to caregiving change? Please share your thoughts in our comments section, below.

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Certainly, caregiving changed your life plans. It also demands planning and scheduling. And, then, when bad weather or flu or another emergency gets in the way, it demands a Plan B (and sometimes a Plan C and D).

In this week’s poll, sponsored by Caregiving.com and eCareDiary.com, we ask: Do you have a caregiving back-up plan? After voting, please feel free to share additional thoughts and any back-up plans you have in our comments section.

Resources

• We’ve got articles to help you create back-up plans here.

Related articles

• This Week’s Poll: Who Would You Tell? (caregiving.com)

In normal situations, bad weather becomes an inconvenience. Add in the life storm of caregiving and bad weather can be an incredible challenge. Perhaps you care for your spouse and your aging parent, who lives alone; how do you ensure both have what they need? Perhaps your caree lives where the bad weather will hit; how do you make sure he or she will be safe? Perhaps you live five miles from your caree, but in a blizzard five miles might as well as be 500 miles; where do you spend the night—your house or your caree’s house? And, perhaps you rely on service providers  to help care for your caree; how will you manage if the bad weather keeps the help away?

We’ve got some resources to help:

• Getting Your Caree Help When Bad Weather (or Distance) Gets in the Way

• Resources to Get a Break Right Where You Are

• When Housebound, Make In-House Activities Work for You

I’d love to know: How do you manage caregiving when bad weather hits? What’s your bad weather plan? And, what tips and suggestions can you share that will help fellow family caregivers? Please share in our comments section, below.

Related articles

• How Do You Manage the Pressure? (caregiving.com)
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We spoke about the reasons why we may suffer from SSS, including:

1. We become the source of knowledge about caregiving, which means it can be hard to trust that another can fill our shoes.

2. We become attachment to the identity of being the one who can do or of being the hero.

When we become too much of the person who does it all, we can become frustrated, resentful and angry. When we do too much for others, we’re not doing enough for ourselves. And, that’s where the frustration and anger enter the equation; it’s our body’s way of saying, “Hey, what about me?”

Anna reminded us that help is healthy and that we each know what feels healthy.

How do we overcome our inability to ask for and receive help? The first and most important step is to acknowledge the fear we have of letting help in.

1. We may fear rejection which keeps us from even asking. We don’t ask, so we don’t get a “No.” (Read Risk.)

2. We may fear losing our value if we’re not the person in charge.

3. We may fear our caree’s reaction if someone else provides care. (Read Balancing the Happiness Scale for a perspective which may help.)

4. We may fear a lack of control. Caregiving spins so much out of control for us; if we can control the care provided by being the one who provides care, we think we will feel better. (Read Simplify: Use No as an Agent to Prioritize and Reassess.)

5. We may fear involving others in our place of pain. Caregiving can be a very painful place; we may want to protect others from the experience that often can be just too difficult.

We also spoke about the power of not only speaking our fears but of communicating our fears with others. In our comments section, feel free to express the fear that may stop you from asking for help. There’s a reason for our fears–but there’s no reason to be powerless to them. Whatever your fear, we understand!

Resources

• Self-Care Sensibilities

• Finding the Right Words for the Help You Need

• Ask Denise: Do I Have the Energy?

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• Diffusing Faulty Family Members (caregiving.com)

Sheri shared great information, including:

• The difference between budgeting and planning; budgeting is about the “right now”; planning is about the thinking ahead.

• Your budget consists of three categories: What goes out (expenses), what comes in (income) and resources (access to other assets if additional income is needed).

• Set aside a cushion, about 10% of the budget, to use in emergencies.

• Work your budget; check monthly to see how your actual versus your planned compares monthly and yearly.

We’d love to know: How do you manage your caregiving budget?

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I think we’re in for it this weekend. When you’re not out shoveling, you find yourself inside staring at your four walls and your care recipient. Or, you may be staring at your phone, hoping your care recipient will be okay.

We’ve got some articles to help you weather the storm:

• Getting Help to Your Care Recipient When Bad Weather Gets in the Way

• When Housebound, Make In-House Activities Work for You

• Stay Home: Resources to Get a Break Right Where You Are

• These Four Walls

• Some Days… When the Bad Outnumber the Good

And, let us know: How do you weather your storms?

My brother-in-law suffered a stroke. The doctor said he was bleeding into the brain. After extensive Intensive Care at a Stroke Center, he is now in Rehab. We have been told that he will be there for about 6 weeks…..he seems to be showing improvement already, but the doctor indicates he will need “Assisted Living” for the rest of his life. He is presently 77 years young.

He is my husband’s only living sibling and we are wrestling with the problem of his being placed in an “Assisted Living Facility”, which I don’t think is the right thing for him. We are considering converting our garage into an apartment for him, where he will have privacy and independence, yet easy access to us, should he need it. At this point we are not sure how many of his facilities he will regain, although he seems to be quite alert.

Is this a bad idea and are we acting emotionally, without the proper regard for the care he will need?

I appreciate any feedback you could give me.

Hello,

I am sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. I hope he continues to improve in rehab.

I think it’s a good idea to pursue the possibility of converting your garage. You have six weeks to determine which living solution will work best for all of you: Use the six weeks to research your options. Because he is in rehab, ask the staff for feedback on having your brother-in-law live in your converted garage. Ask them how you can create an apartment that will best meet his needs. Can they suggest contractors/remodelers that can create such an environment? (You also can search for home remodelers in our directory.) How much assistance with personal care will your brother-in-law need in the morning and throughout the day? Do you feel comfortable providing assistance? Which agencies/programs/services can help out?

Some questions for you and your husband to consider: How much time during the day and evening can you be available to help? Can you and your husband be available when needed? How will this living situation affect your lifestyle? Do you feel okay with any sacrifices you’ll have to make? Will other family members/friends help? Will you be able to make arrangements so you’ll be able to take regular vacations (taking regular vacations is critical to your well-being)?

Persons who have suffered a stroke may experience tremendous personality changes. Ask the staff for input on your brother-in-law’s emotional needs. Do they feel that you can manage these needs? Would he do well living near-by, but not necessarily with someone?

And, involve your brother-in-law, as much as possible, in the decision-making process. Where would he like to live? What are his concerns and worries?

Because you always want to research all options, check out assisted living facilities in your area. (Our directory also includes assisted living facilities.) Are there any that you like? That are convenient for regular visits? You’ll want to know about other housing options, even if your brother-in-law moves into the converted garage. Emergencies arise and you want to ensure that your brother-in-law receives the care he needs in any crisis.

Be sure to ask, and answer, all the “What if?” questions. What if your brother-in-law moves into the apartment and requires more care than you envisioned? What if, for whatever reason, the living situation just doesn’t seem to be working? In these situations, what will your next steps be?

Remember that you can modify any decision that you make. And, be sure to keep the lines of communication open between you, your husband and your brother-in-law. You’ll all have to work together to make living together work. But, you have an opportunity to spend some quality time together. I think it’s great that you’re pursuing making this opportunity a possibility.

Whatever your decision, your brother-in-law is very lucky to have you!

Let me know what happens!

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

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My grandfather had two heart attacks after fives years of angina and a previous heart attack within that five year period. He is going to be having a double by-pass very soon. He and my grandmother are in their 80′s and live alone in a little two-story house. Two of my aunts live near my grandparents and my third aunt  lives in the next state. My father lives across the country near my sister. Of my three aunts only one is really able to physically help, but when she offers, my grandparents refuse convincingly and she rescinds. My father is unable to leave his home due to restrictions of a new job. This leaves my sister and I.

Both my sister and I are willingly and able to move to my grandparents to help them through the recovery period of the bypass. My sister is able to come for the first month to assist me, because it  would be the most difficult time. My sister and I have lived with my grandparents for years before and know the ropes, but we are being thwarted by all members of the family minus my Father.

A prescription  of peace and quiet was given to my grandparents as part of the post-operative care. It now seems as though my aunts are rallying behind this like a battle cry to keep me and my sister at bay, also obviously because of their grave concern for my grandparents. They have swayed my grandparents to be of like mind. My grandparents also reject mine and my sisters help on the basis that our giving care to them would hinder our lives. Though we both embrace the chance to help two people we love so dearly, I would have to post-pone college for a few months, and my sister would be away from her two young children for a month. However the only people who are fazed by these “setbacks ” are my grandparents. My sister and I are more concerned with the safety and happiness of my grandparents. On a selfish note, it would be sublime for the four of us to live together again, even under these dreary and potentially short-lived conditions.

So now to the core of our problem, how do we convince a stubborn man and three emotional women that having capable hands at close range is not a bad thing? How can we make our relatives see that us being there will not equal a non-stop twenty-something party, but two truly concerned people looking after family members who could really use the help? Our grandparents do dote on me and my sister, and us upon them, but we both understand the gravity of this situation, yet we are still being treated like the young children we once were. How can we make them view us as adults?

We are capable of tending to any at home medical care, cooking, cleaning and driving, which is very important because my grandfather will be incapacitated and my grandmother has not driven in years. (I don’t want to see them isolated.) I also understand that there may be some resentment aimed at me and my sister for intervening where no one else has.

So how do we show we are not trying raise ourselves higher than our aunts, that we just want to help, and that in fact we will need our aunts help to be successful! There are so many emotions running rampant right now and with everyone scattered across the country, short of a conference call, a family meeting is unlikely. We are both very concerned about broaching the topic with my stubborn grandfather because of his fragile condition and we are running out of options in a dire situation.  Any advice you have to give regarding my families situation would be great and appreciated,

Thank you for your time,
Sincerely,
Concerned Granddaughter

Hello Granddaughter,

My suggestion: I think you are wise to recognize your grandparents may need more help than they realize. I think it’s okay to make a decision to go. Call your grandparents and let them know you can’t live with yourselves if you don’t come and help. Let them know what day you plan to arrive, that you’ll make arrangements for transport from the airport to their home. Let them know you’ll call when you arrive and are on your way. Let them know you can organize your sleeping space when you arrive.

Then, let them know you’ll call them tomorrow to work together to create a game plan on how you can best help them. Be clear in your goal: You want to help and will stay as long as your help is needed. Be calm as you listen to your grandparents’ response to your decision to come and help. But, be politely firm: You understand that they are okay on their own. You just feel it’s really important to come and be available to help.

After telling your grandparents you’ll be coming to help, call your aunts. Tell them what you told your grandparents: You can’t live with yourselves if you don’t come to help. Your goal is to help your grandparents and your purpose is to work effectively with everyone to make this visit work. Again, be polite but firm.

Then, start a dialogue, which can take place over a series of phone calls, for your game plan about “house rules.” A few house rules may be:

1. Meetings. You meet regularly with your grandparents and aunts (your father can join the meeting over the phone) to review how things are going. What’s working? What needs adjusting? Everyone should have an opportunity to speak their peace and everyone should commit to listening with an open mind. The true commitment from everyone must be to work together to make your temporary stay work.

2. Visit Reviews. Come to an agreement with your grandparents about how long your stay will last. Maybe you’ll agree to stay for at least one week after his return from the hospital. Then, you’ll review the next week’s stay during your regular family meetings and so on.

3. Assignments. Perhaps your grandmother will want to complete certain tasks for your grandfather. She may like to view you both as her back-up. Or, perhaps, she’d like you two to take over during the afternoons so she can nap or run errands. It’s important to be clear about who does what. It’s also important to be flexible as to who does what. And, it’s critical that someone is a designated back-up. Volunteer to grocery shop, pick up prescriptions, make “library runs” for books and videos, clean the house, cook, etc.

4. Meetings with Health Care Professionals. My suggestion would be for both of you to be involved in any meetings with health care professionals. Your role would be to take notes, ask questions, and clarify the information. This is a really important role for both of you.

5. You and your sister should also have your own House Rules. If your sister finds that she misses her children too much to stay beyond a week, then be okay with that decision. You both should be clear about your expectations of each other and your willingness to be flexible for each other.

My last suggestion would be for both of you to bring a journal with you and write about your visit with your grandparents. And, when you can during your visit, ask your grandparents about their lives–their childhoods, how they met and fell in love, their best times, their worst times, their memories during WWII, the Depression, Kennedy’s assassination, etc. Be sure to write down the stories they tell you.

You and your sister are embarking on a very special trip. Let me know what happens!

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.