So, I’d love to know: Which step will you take to feel better? Please share in our comments section, below.

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It’s making your life hard, your day hard, your heart hard.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if caregiving seemed like the softest mattress possible, always giving such a comfortable landing. Or, that it tasted like the most wonderful soft-serve ice cream, so creamy and delicious you always want more. Or, felt like the softness of a baby’s skin, so beautiful that you can’t help but marvel.

I’m not sure why we have such hard life experiences, like caregiving.

I do know that you bring the softness to the experience that makes us look at you in awe. You are the mattress, the soft-serve ice cream and the marvel. All rolled up into you.

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The stress has taken over her days. The stress has become her life.

I think you can all relate. It’s what makes stress so insidious—it will grip your mind and soul with such a tight hold that it leaves little room for anything else. And, in caregiving, the cures for the stress, like getting more help (sometimes, you can’t get enough) or having Mary attend a local adult day center (there isn’t one nearby) can be an impossibility. It would be great if Mary could take a walk to tire herself out so she sleeps better. But Kristin lives in a remote area, in the mountains, which makes it hard for her and Mary to go out for a walk together. And, it’s long drive into town; a shopping mall for safe walking during the winter isn’t an option.

So, how do you keep Mary occupied long enough so that Kristin can take a break? It’s a caregiver’s conundrum.

We’ve put together a few ideas to increase a caree’s activity (to help promote a better sleep) and/or keep a caree occupied (so you can take a break):

Buck and Buck: The company makes dressing easier. It also makes undressing difficult—which comes in handy if you’d like to keep your caree either clean or simply clothed (or both). For instances, back-zip jumpsuits ensure a caree can’t slip out of clothes or reach into what you don’t want them to reach. Shop here.

Collector’s Choice Music: Purchase your caree’s favorite music, including Big Band, classical/opera and soundtracks. Also available are old radio shows. Visit www.ccmusic.com or call 800-993-6344.

Innovative Caregiving Resources: Researchers from the Gerontology Center at the University of Utah concluded that video respites work—and developed their own series as result. The videos are now available through an unrelated company, Innovative Caregiving Resources. Videos cater to a wide range of care recipients; in “Ladies…Let’s Chat” female carees will enjoy a visit with Diane and her  grandchildren and in “Lunchbreak with Tony” male carees take a lunch break and discuss first cars and stick ball.  Other videos are geared toward specific ethnicities (Hispanic, African Americans, Jewish) and toward holidays, such as Christmas. For more information, visit www.videorespite.com or call 1-800-249-5600 .

NASCO: Its online catalog, at www.enasco.com/senioractivities, features products to captivate your caree. You’ll products for persons with Alzheimer’s, as well as puzzles, games, sing-a-long videos and arts and crafts. You’ll want to peruse this company’s catalog and/or web site; it offers great ideas on how to keep you caree occupied with meaningful activites. Call for catalog: 800-558-9595.

Alzheimer’s Store: You’ll find products that keep your caree. Products are categorized by stages (Early Stage, Middle Stage and Later Stage), wandering, safety, forgetfullness. Visit www.alzstore.com or call 800-752-3238.

Puzzles and Games: You can find puzzles specifically for persons with dementia. Check out Memory Jogging Puzzles, MGC Puzzles, DignifieDesigns and Springbook Puzzles. You also can find more game ideas at Marbles the Brain Store; if you’re unsure of which game would be appropriate for your caree, call (877) 527-2460 to speak with a Marbles’ “brain coach” who can offer suggestions.

Sit and Be Fit: Sit and Be Fit is a line of exercise videos developed and lead by Mary Ann Wilson, who you’ve probably seen on your local PBS station. Mary Ann has tapes for persons with chronic illnesses, such as arthritis and Parkinson’s, as well as tapes for persons new to an exercise program. “The Caregiver’s Guide To Exercise Video” is perfect for carees who are wheelchair and bed-bound. Call 509-448-9438 to learn about the right exercise video for you and your caree. Or visit the Sit and Be Fit web site at www.sitandbefit.com.

Senior Yoga: In this DVD, yoga teacher Debbie Russo leads you through a series of chair poses to help you and your caree increase your strength, endurance and flexibility. You’ll enjoy improved balance and stress relief. Learn more here.

No-cost activity ideas include folding laundry, organizing recipes and looking through old photos. Your caree also may be able to complete simple household tasks, like water the plants or help with cooking or baking or help feed and groom the pets. You also can reminisce, asking questions about a caree’s past, and play a favorite DVD of a treasured event (like a family member’s wedding). You also can ask family and friends to regularly call and write letters or send cards.

I’d love to add your suggestions as well. In our comments section, please tell us: How do you keep your caree occupied?

Reminders: Our next talk show airs on Tuesday, January 10, at 7:30 p.m. ET. And, I have our question (inspired by our show with Kristin): How can our communities help prevent family caregiver burn-out? Call in and share your suggestions; first caller wins. You can listen here. And, we chat on Twitter tonight (January at 8 p.m. ET (7 p.m. CT, 5 p.m. PT) about your best caregiving tips. To join us, just go to tweetchat.com, sign in with your Twitter credentials and use our hashtag: carechat. Finally, be sure to sign up for one of our classes; you’ll be amazed at what you learn about yourself!

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“There’s an important difference between giving up and letting go.” ~ Jessica Hatchigan

I love this quote because it recognizes a subtle difference that can change an experience for us. For instance, perhaps you have a family member who just can’t seem to get it together to help you. If you give up on this family member, you may say as you throw up your hands in exasperation, “I give up!  I don’t know what else to do to get you to help. I just give up!”

If you let go, you may say to yourself, “I let go of hoping and expecting Family Member to help. I don’t understand why Family Member can’t help, but I accept it. And, I let go knowing I will have the help I need somewhere else.”

For me, the difference is about the chance we give ourselves. When I give up on a Family Member, I actually give up on myself and my chance of getting help. If I let go of Family Member, I do so knowing that I will find help.

The difference is also about understanding what we can control. Consider how you feel about caregiving. If you throw up your hands and say, “Caregiving is just ruining my life. I give up!”, then you give up on any possibilities for a better day. If instead you say, “I’m struggling here in caregiving. I’m letting go, though, of thoughts about what my life should be and instead focusing on what my life can be.”

When we give up, we actually try to take on too much control by letting a situation spin out of control. When we let go, we move into trusting and out of controlling. (For more about trusting, listen to our talk shows with Elizabeth Lombardo, our happiness expert, and Holly, who cares for her husband.) When we trust, we create room for opportunities and solutions.

And, when we give up, we stay stuck in a place of anger. When we let go, we move forward in a state of peace.

So, I’m curious, when have you given up? What was that like for you? When have you let go? What happened as a result of letting go? Please share your experiences and stories in our comments, below.

Reminder: Our next webinar will take place on Wednesday, January 4, at 11 a.m. CT (Noon ET, 9 a.m. PT). We’ll talk about how to give yourself a chance in 2012. To join the webinar, just come back to the website at 1 a.m. CT (Noon ET, 9 a.m. PT) on January 4.

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Image via Wikipedia

10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Your Caregiving Role

1. A built-in excuse to cut back on time spent with certain family members over the holidays. What a great way to cut down of these distasteful side dishes of judgments and opinions. Who needs those calories!

2. You’re crabby? Someone even ventures to question your crabbiness? Give them the throwdown: “It’s the caregiving.” And, it’s not even a lie!

3. A guilt-free way out of helping at the church bazaar or the school holiday festival. “You know, what with caregiving, I’m booked.”

4. A reason to throw a pity party, complete with ice cream and more ice cream, for yourself, any time, any day.

5. You never have to explain that trip to your car, the trip that begins and ends in the driveway. You don’t go anywhere, you just go to the car. To hide. And, everyone knows why. It’s the caregiving. And, on those days you can’t even get out to car, you go to bathroom, with your pillow. They still know why.

6. No explanation needed for those bad hair days. Or for the grey hair. Or for no hair. It’s the caregiving.

7. Acceptance from family members of burnt food, especially cookies and casseroles.

8. Pajamas and slippers all day, every weekend.

9. You’re a whiz with a wheelchair. A whiz with one hand. You receive admiring glances at the doctor’s office, at worship services, at the grocery store. It’s all in the wrist.

10. Finally, be grateful for your caregiving role because it shows you your priorities, highlights the love you have for others as well as the love you receive from others, and puts the true meaning of relationships and life in the forefront of your day, every day. Caregiving may seem to tear you apart, but after you put yourself back together, you’ll be amazed at what’s created. You, times 10.

Listen to the podcast: Platitudes on Gratitudes

Please share your own gratitudes in our comments section. Happy Thanksgiving!

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Mary needed little prodding to share about her rift with her brother. She had cared for her mother for 10 years. And, her list of complaints against her brother could have lasted 10 years had we let her. Mary had an idea of what her brother should have done—and he had done none of it. We talked about her pain, that her brother had let her down, had abandoned her during her (and her mother’s) time of need. We talked about her pain over her sister-in-law, who chose to be uninvolved in helping and supporting.

Finally, toward the end of the presentation, Mary articulated her struggle: I’m jealous, she said, because they took five vacations this year.

While they vacationed, though, she lived an amazing legacy in caring her mom. They left, she stayed. She resents. She envies. She misses her life’s purpose.

Last night, I attended a play with my niece called The Amish Project. The play is a fictionalized exploration of a true event, explains the playwright, Jessica Dickey.

On October 2, 2006, a gunman took 10 young Amish girls hostage and then shot them, killing five. The event occurred in the morning. By the same evening, members of the Amish community, including relatives of the victims, had met with the killer’s widow to express their forgiveness and to offer comfort. The play gives a voice to those affected by the tragedy (including the killer) through the work of one actress.

At the end of the play, my niece and I were very happy to have a companion to share thoughts and reactions. At the play’s conclusion, you feel the full impact of the tragedy, the loss of life. You leave the theater wondering, How does a family bear the crushing weight of the murder of a child? And, how do they carry that weight with such grace that they forgive?

My niece and I asked each other: Could you attend the funeral of the person who killed a loved one? Could you welcome that person’s family into your family, understanding you share a bond of deep grief?

The Playbill offers an interesting perspective on what happens because of forgiveness. PJ Paparelli, the play’s artistic director, writes:

Years ago while developing the play columbinus, I spent considerable time in Littleton, Colo., the site of the Columbine shootings. The community was plagued with anger and sadness, which manifested in lawsuits, feuds between families, police cover-ups, and teen suicides. Five years have passed since the Amish school shootings, but the community of Nickel Mines seems remarkably adjusted to its profound loss. Amish and non-Amish both have turned this unimaginable tragedy into a vehicle of betterment, understanding and humility. They have not forgotten—every day they are reminded of the loss—yet the event has become a measure of their capacity to love.

I drove home twice yesterday—once from the seminar and once from the play. Each time, I passed a house where a young man had been killed during a home invasion. A large poster board had been taped to house’s front porch. With a black marker, someone had written the details for the young man’s funeral.

Why do we forgive? Because it’s the best way to live. When you forgive, you receive the best life has to give. When you forgive, your life story overflows of blessings.

Updates

1. Your Caregiving Journey airs tomorrow and Tuesday. Tomorrow, Anna Stookey joins me at 10:30 a.m. ET (9:30 a.m. CT, 7:30 a.m. PT). When you get spooked by caregiving, we’ll tell you how to survive the fright. On Tuesday morning at 11:30 a.m. ET (10:30 a.m. CT, 8:30 a.m. PT), Elizabeth Lombardo, our happiness expert, joins me to share how a good start to your day can help you create a good caregiving day. And, Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m. ET (6:30 p.m. CT, 4:30 p.m. PT), our live, call-in show airs. Call us to share your answer to this question: What do you know about caregiving that the world doesn’t? Listen to our shows here.

2. We chat tonight on Twitter! Our topic is blame and how you can end the blame game. Our chat lasts an hour and begins at 8 p.m. ET (7 p.m. CT, 5 p.m. PT). To join us, just go to www.tweetchat.com, sign in with your Twitter credentials and enter our hashtag: carechat. See you then!! (And, if you’d like to learn more about blame, check out last week’s webinar, Ending the Blame Game.)

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I’d love to know: What insight did you gain about blame during the webinar? And, how will you end the blame game? Please share in our comments section, below.

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Call (646) 652-4944 to share during our live show. Or, join our show’s chat room to post your insight. If you’re on Twitter, you can tweet during the show using this hashtag: #caretalk. And, to thank you for calling in the during the show to share, we’ll give our first two callers a Caregiving.com gym bag. Join us here.

Can’t join us tonight? Feel free to share your insights in our comments section, below. Let us know what feels scary and how you can overcome the fears.

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In an experience where so much feels and sounds different, you feel intimidated, out of your element, inadequate. You feel frightened that you won’t know what to do, how to do it and how to say it. You worry that you’ll look silly in front of others.

And, so does everyone else. Sarah reminded me that our fears are universal and that when we connect with others who feel the same fear, we create a bind that helps us all move forward. When we stand alone in our fear, we stand still. When we pretend we don’t have fears, we can’t embrace a way to overcome them.

When we share our fears with others, we find the courage to face them, to keep moving. And, when we share our own vulnerability, we help others share theirs. That’s an incredibly powerful connection.

When you can, find a safe place to share your fears—in a support group, journal, close friends. And, of course, please feel free to share in our comments section, below. Chances are, we know exactly how your fear feels.

Updates

1. Help get the word out about Job Jar Day! On October 22, we’re encouraging family and friends to help the family caregiver in their lives. Feel free to share our press release on Twitter, Facebook and with your local media.

2. Our next #carechat takes place on Sunday, October 16, at 8 p.m. ET. We’ll talk about how to cope with the changes in caregiving. To join us, just go to tweetchat.com, log in with your Twitter credentials and enter our hashtag: carechat.

3. Our next live call-in episode of Your Caregiving Journey airs October 18 at 7:30 p.m. ET. Call in and share your answers and insights to this question: What’s scary about caregiving? Call (646) 652-4944 to share during our live show. Or, join our show’s chat room to post your insight. If you’re on Twitter, you can tweet during the show using this hashtag: #caretalk.

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The pressure in caregiving can make the experience ripe for regrets. You worry about what’s right and what’s best, which means you may second guess every move and every decision. The pressure intensifies because you feel like you won’t have a second chance. This is it.

So, I’d love to know: What do you think about regrets? How have you handled regrets you’ve had? Please share your thoughts (and your reactions to our show) in the comments, below.

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