She leaves the house, but she takes the worries. How much longer will they be able to afford the home health aide? How well will her mother do on the new medications? When will she and her husband have some much-needed private time? When will her boss grow tired of her requests for a longer lunch break and an earlier work day?

Susan did her best to get seven hours of sleep last night, but with the worries weighing so heavy that she feels as if she hasn’t slept in years.

According to 2006 The MetLife Caregiving Cost Study, sponsored by MetLife Mature Market Institute and National Alliance for Caregiving, at least 6 out of 10 employed family caregivers make work-related adjustments for their caregiving responsibilities: 9% leave the workforce and 10% reduce their hours from full-time to part-time.

Caregiving is hard. Caregiving and working is really hard. In our free e-book, The Working Family Caregiver, we offer some quick, simple tips to help you manage two demanding roles that can complicate life. We hope the tips help you manage your experiences so you have minimal regrets.

Download The Working Family Caregiver, a free e-book, here.

Resources

1. Join Caregiving.com (it’s free!) to connect with other family caregivers. Sign up here.

2. Schedule a complimentary coaching call with Denise Brown, professsioal life coach and founder, Caregiving.com to learn how coaching can help you manage caregiving and your career. Make your appointment here.

3. Our caregiving books are good for your heart and soul. They’ll help you start your day (Good Morning!), find greater happiness (Take Time), feel understood (Take Comfort and Take Comfort, Too) and lead you through your caregiving years (The Caregiving Years). Through January 15, you can buy two books and get the second at 50% off. Buy here and use coupon code SECONDHALF305.

4. Finally, in case you missed it, download The Working Family Caregiver, a free e-book, here.

The tips mentioned in the article include:

• using the Family and Medical Leave Act in order to create plans, manage emergencies, transition your caree into another care setting;
• checking with your HR Department to learn about resources available to you which can help, including an Employee Assistance Program or Work/Life benefit;
• talking with your boss about a plan to mange your work load and your caregiving responsibilities;
• carving out time for your own hobbies and interests;
• keeping focused on the present and letting go of the “what was.”

I’d love to know what tips you would add. How do you manage work and caregiving? Do you have tips about how to work effectively with co-workers when you’re also swamped with caregiving? How do you manage an unsupportive boss? Do you worry about whether or not to quit your job? Or, do you keep you job out of financial necessity or because it provides a respite from caregiving?

Please share your experiences and thoughts in our comments section, below.

Resources

• You’ll find tips on how to manage caregiving and your career (including your small business) here.
• A back-up plan is a necessity in caregiving, regardless of whether or not you work. You’ll find articles which can help you create back-up plans here.

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• Tell Us: When Does Caregiving Steal Your Spirit? (caregiving.com)
• Caregiving’s Cost: $3 Trillion in Lost Wages, Pension and Social Security Benefits (caregiving.com)
• In Six Words, What’s Your Simple Caregiving Tip? (caregiving.com)
• Easy (caregiving.com)
• I’m Enough, So I’ve Had Enough (of the Doritos) (caregiving.com)
• Does Sharing Make You a Better Caregiver? (caregiving.com)
• A 15th Year Celebration (caregiving.com)

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Sounds kinda like caregiving, doesn’t it?

So, when caregiving feels like it’s less than you and you put up with more than you manage, keep these tips in minds:

1. Smile. Sounds silly but it works. I’ve had many menial jobs to keep my business afloat. And, honestly, if I smiled—when someone asked me to make copies or to answer their phone or bring them coffee—I felt so much better about what I did. I learned it wasn’t necessarily what I did, but how I did it. And, it’s good for you: Research says smiling can promote overall good health.

2. Assert yourself. When you feel less than yourself, you accept less than what you deserve. Your needs are as important as everyone else’s. Stand your ground if someone dismisses or minimizes your needs. Say: “I’m happy to ensure you have what you need. What I need deserves my attention, too. How can we work together so we both have what we need?”

3. Let go. Oh, if I focused on the unfairness, then more and more unfairness settled in my cube. In my last job, I had a co-worker who spent between four and six hours a day on personal phone calls. I did her work, but collected half her salary. My boss loved her, touting her skills and qualities in our staff meetings and to the higher-ups. It was awful. (I think I need to follow my advice here and let go.) We do what we have to do. If I looked at the difficulties as a bridge to a better tomorrow (working for myself), then I felt much better. The days are short, but the years are long, as the saying goes. Let go. You’ll feel much better about these days in five years.

4. Grab opportunities. Even the smallest tasks and projects can offer opportunities that can help you gain a better tomorrow. For instance, Marilyn, who cared for her mom and volunteered to help me with our online support groups, used her volunteer work here to help her find a job after her mom died. And, she used me as a reference. When someone offers you a way to be outside of caregiving or be different in caregiving, grab it. (You can listen to my May 2008 interview with Marilyn on Your Caregiving Journey here.)

5. Vent. Talk it out. Join a support group, like the ones we have here. Write it out in a journal. Get it out in a walk. And, after venting, if you need a hug, listen to one of our Caregiving Comforts. Or, read a comfort in “Take Comfort, Reflections of Hope for Caregivers,” a little book with a big heart. It’s on sale this month; use coupon code AUTUMN for a 10% discount at check-out.

6. Look up. I could stand a job if I had a nice outfit to wear. Or, a friend to meet for lunch. What can you look forward to? Maybe it’s a TV show, a book, a DVD. Maybe it’s a phone call to a special friend at night. Maybe it’s connecting with others here or joining us for our conference/retreat in November. Whatever keeps you looking up, keep it.

7. Learn. Challenge yourself with community and online courses. Take classes that have nothing or everything to do with caregiving. We offer free monthly webinars as well as four-week courses. Check out our free May webinar, “Spring Me! I’m Tired of Feeling Like Crap.” And, consider taking our self-study course, “Setting My Limits,” which teaches you perspectives, techniques and tools while challenging you to grow because of your limits.

8. Delegate. Share the pain. Or, hire help to take it. Doing it all leads to a heart of resentment. Assigning tasks to others can mean a heart of gratitude.

9. Look for inspiration from others who overcame. Watch Biography channel, read an autobiography, listen to our talk shows. Use the inspiration to feel good about tomorrow rather than stewing over yesterday.

10. Belief. We talk about this regularly—belief in your abilities, in your talents, in your future. And, when you struggle to understand exactly what you’re believing, remember your future. It takes you out of the daily struggle and into the possibilities of an amazing future.

When you feel less than who you are, how do you cope? Please share your ideas in our comments section.

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• How Do You Use Your Intuition in Caregiving? (caregiving.com)
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I’ve been searching all day for answers and did not find any but I did find your web site. I wish I had found it sooner and had the time to go through it now.

I have so many questions it may take a month of Sundays to ask them. Of course that always leads to more. What I am trying to find today is is there any info on a monthly stipend to help take care of elderly disabled parent(s)?

My mom had back surgery 6 months ago and is now unable to walk. I have been there almost every day to help with her care. My husband, household and life have been put on hold. I wanted to go back to work but don’t know how I can arrange it and take care of Mom.

I have an elder sister who helps as often as possible but works full-time, an older sister that has now taken off for 6 weeks and usually doesn’t help much, an older brother (dialysis patient) who refuses to help with personal hygiene and toiletry and a younger brother who refuses to do anything or to come visit.

Any help on finding the answer? Thanks, and I hope this makes sense. I’m so tired and my brain is sluggish.

Hello,

You’re in a tough spot: How do you provide for family members who need your help without sacrificing your own security?

Our Caregiving or Your Career? section of articles may help. Visit here.

As for receiving reimbursement, you can check in your community to see what’s available to help. Programs differ from community to community. Some communities have programs that pay family caregivers, but many take into account a care recipient’s Medicaid eligibility (i.e., a care recipient must have income lower than a specific amount). You can see
what’s available in your community by calling the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for a referral to your local Area Agency on Aging. You also can search for help at http://www.benefitscheckup.org.

Unfortunately, Medicare (federal insurance program typically for persons 65 and older) does not reimburse a family caregiver. You can learn more about Medicare and Medicaid through our FAQs of Caregiving.

And, please feel free to join our online support groups; the members understand! You can learn about our groups here:
http://www.caregiving.com/get-support/

Hope this helps!

Related articles

• When Starting Over Seems Like a Daily Duty, 10 Steps to a New Beginning (caregiving.com)
• Today’s Table Talk: Family Versus Solo (caregiving.com)
• Balancing the Happiness Scale (caregiving.com)

On Wednesday morning, Chirag Patel from Halo Monitoring took us into the future, telling us know about emerging technology that can help family caregivers. We learned that Best Buy is pilot-testing a section of stores in Seattle devoted to health gadgets. This to me is wonderful news because of its potential: Imagine! You don’t have to wonder where to buy a gadget or device that helps manage care. You just go to a local retailer. We also discussed Comfort Zone, a tracking device for persons with Alzheimer’s, from the Alzheimer’s Association. You can listen to the show (or download for later listening) here.

On Thursday morning, Jeannie Keenan of My Health Care Manager, joined us an “Ask the Nurse” segment. We discussed incontinence care, when to call 911, how to manage a fall and when to the call the doctor. I also mentioned a show Jeannie and I aired in the summer; she discussed her struggle with infertility as she care for her mother-in-law. If you missed the show, it’s worth a listen. You can listen to Thursday’s show via the player at the end of this post.

On Thursday afternoon, Jamie Goldberg, offered tips on how to design a sensible, stylish bathroom.We focused on three areas of the bathroom: the bath/shower, the floor and lighting.

On Friday morning, Wilma Nachsin joined us for the second of our three-part series on job hunting. Wilma offered terrific tips on how to write a resume with punch. We complete our series on Friday, Nov. 27 at 8:30 a.m. CT.

On Saturday, Table Talk took on Thanksgiving traditions. I shared a five-step process to use if you’d like to ditch a tradition you dislike:

Changing a Tradition
1. Offer an alternative.
2. Allow for resistance.
3. Make adjustments as needed.
4. Ask for feedback.
5. Modify as necessary.

And, Shelley Webb offered tips on how to make a videotape of your care recipients.

I assigned Thanksgiving homework: 1. Think of a simple goal for your Thanksgiving. 2. Tell someone and ask them for help in making your goal a reality. 3. Do it–make your goal your reality. And, don’t forget our Holiday Survival Guide–tips and ideas to manage your holiday season.

Don’t miss our upcoming shows–see our schedule here.

Yesterday, on Your Caregiving Journey, we spoke with Wilma Naschin, who shared tips on how to rebound from a lay-off. (This is the first of a three-part series on recovering from job loss; up next week: Starting Your Job Search. You can listen to the show via the player at the bottom of the post.) During our discussion, I remembered the story of a friend’s father, James.

James created his own success. Born into poverty, he was blessed with excellent athleticism. He played both basketball and golf at a Division I university. His golf game ultimately created his big break; an invitation to participate in a company-sponsored golf tournament led to introductions that led to his first sales job. He continued to climb the corporate ladder (with the help of his golf game) until he reached his dream job: Vice President of Sales. His position allowed for luxuries, including membership to a local country club (and access to a great golf course).

When he was 60-years-old, he lost his job. His family encouraged him to look for another job, telling him regularly his talents and gifts would be welcome at other companies.

But James convinced himself he was un-hirable. He spent his days watching Fox News and golfing. He drove by the local public golf course to play daily at the local country club. His former company no longer paid his membership. James could not afford the membership fee so he financed his membership with Visa and MasterCard. He continued to golf with his former colleagues, all the time keeping up the pretense that his job loss had not affected his lifestyle.

It seemed to him that what he did and where he did it determined his success.

James died when he was 62-years-old. He left more debt than his family had ever imagined. Even worse, he died still pretending to be something he wasn’t. And, he never had the chance to gain the realization that his success lives in his heart. The greens were merely a replaceable place to play.

Pride and shame can blind us to life’s true treasures. When you loss a job, that’s all you lose. When you let pride and shame gauge your actions, you lose yourself.

Resources:

• To help gain a healthier perspective: www.thework.com

• For inspiration (subscribe to Notes from the Universe): www.tut.com

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The research found in Buddy, Can You Spare a Job? The New Realities of the Job Market for Aging Baby Boomers paints a sobering picture, but also contains essential insights and advice for older job-seekers.  It combines a survey of 1,200+ individuals ages 55 to 70 with in-depth interviews of both job-seekers and employment experts.

Conducted in collaboration with David DeLong & Associates, a research and consulting firm with expertise in workforce issues, the data suggests that to be successful older job-hunters must adapt to the changing workplace by adopting new attitudes, specific skills and a fresh set of expectations.

“The fact that so many job-seekers over 55 have difficulty finding work means such individuals need new solutions to compete,” said Sandra Timmermann, Ed.D, director of the MetLife Mature Market Institute.  “Largely due to the economy, many of those looking for work may not have the money to retire.  For this group, finding work is a necessity and they would benefit by making major changes in what they present about themselves to potential employers.”

The study lists “The Significant Seven” -the most common mistakes older Americans make when they are looking for a job, as exemplified by the following common faulty assumptions:

•    ”I’ll just do what I was doing before.”
•    ”My experience speaks for itself.”
•    ”I don’t have time for this touchy-feely stuff about what work means to me.”
•    ”I know! I’ll become a consultant…!”
•    ”Of course I’m good with computers.”
•    ”I’ll just use a recruiter for some career coaching.”
•    ”I’ve always been successful, so why should things be different now?”

Instead, older job-seekers and mid-career employees will need to recognize five critical success strategies, the report says:

1. Acknowledge the New Realities of the Job Market Anger about perceived age bias won’t get you a job.  The fact is there are still opportunities for older job-seekers; these will increase in many sectors as the recession recedes. In the meantime, older job-seekers can do three things to better understand the market. First, identify nearby industries and organizations in the region that are stable or growing. Second, look for organizations with a workforce culture that respects all workers. Finally, older job-seekers should look for opportunities in small- to medium-sized companies, which create the majority of new jobs.  Self-employment is one other option.

2. Reframe Your Experience to Demonstrate Future Value Boomers must identify and articulate what specific value they can bring to an organization, while simultaneously recognizing that their underlying skill set must constantly evolve.  For example, knowledge of Internet marketing was still new for most marketing managers eight years ago.  Today it is a prerequisite for working in marketing. It’s not just about networking and brand building.  It’s about clarifying what you have to offer and developing the contacts you need to be taken seriously to compete in this job market.

3. Nurture Your Network Every job seeker needs to use their existing network, but it’s especially critical for older job-seekers.  It’s easiest to do so when you’re clear about your passion and you can connect with people who have similar interests.  Discovering your zeal for an area lets you naturally develop and demonstrate expertise, which connects you to people with related interests.  These connections are more likely to be a source of new job opportunities than a network of individuals with unrelated interests.  Not all networking is about meeting people who might help you find work. It should also be about learning.  “Find a volunteer organization with younger people. It’s an advantage to be able to say, ‘I’ve been working with 20-year-olds.’”

4. DOS Is Dead: Update Computer Technology Skills The most consistent finding from interviews was the need for older job-seekers to update their computer skills.  Older job-seekers who aren’t familiar with Facebook and LinkedIn need to learn about them- fast. That doesn’t mean aging Boomers have to reorganize their lives around the latest communication and networking technologies.  But they should try them and be able to talk about them, so they aren’t caught unprepared the next time a 40-year-old hiring manager asks, “Are you on Twitter?”  Older job-seekers, in particular, must invest time to address this challenge directly, if they hope to stay competitive.

5. Do the Math – Then Manage Your Ambivalence It may be late for older Baby Boomers to start planning their retirement finances, but they should recognize the conflicting pressures they may have about work and retirement.  Despite financial need, a significant segment of those interviewed were ambivalent about staying in the labor force.  Job counselors shared stories of program participants consistently sabotaging themselves in job interviews because they were torn about success in their search.  Older job-seekers should be clear about their actual financial needs, especially for consistent and stable sources of retirement income, as they struggle with making a decision about finding work.

“Older job-seekers who don’t recognize that they’re viewed differently in the job market are in for a rude awakening,” said Dr. David DeLong, author of the study.  ”Lots of aging Boomers will need late-career employment in the years ahead and this study shows what they have to do to make themselves relevant and successful in the changing employment market.”

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Ask Denise: Will I Have the Right Skills for Employment?

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Ask Denise: Should We Quit Our Jobs?

Whether you’re recently laid off or wondering how to return to work after your caregiving role ends, you’ll want to join us during these special shows. If you have specific questions you’d like answered during any of the shows, feel free to email Denise. During the show, you can call with your questions (phone number is 646-652-4944) or send a question via the show’s chat room.

I’m in my early 50s and taking care of my mom. Lately, I’ve been worrying about what I will do after my mom is gone. I know I have to get a job, but am worried that I don’t have the skills needed to find one.

I suppose it’s not a good idea to worry today about tomorrow… But, I am worried. Any suggestions?

Hello,

I’m not a proponent of worrying, either. I think planning ahead is a great idea. So, rather than worry, let’s plan ahead.

For several years, Marilyn, a former member of one of our online support groups, volunteered to moderate two of our groups. As a moderator, she gained skills she later leveraged when she began her job hunt after her mother’s death. More importantly, as a volunteer, she could use me as a reference during her search.

So, my best suggestion is to get involved with an issue or organization of interest to you. If volunteering outside the house is too difficult, then look for opportunities online. I’m always looking for volunteers as I’m sure are many organizations with an online presence. The key to volunteering is to pick an organization you like and find a position that will hone existing skills while adding new ones.

My other suggestion would be to get involved with social networking, such as Facebook and Twitter. Gaining social networking skills may be helpful in the eyes of future employees—organizations are looking for employees who understand the in’s and out’s of social networking. So, for instance, perhaps you can volunteer for an organization and get involved in its Facebook fan page or in sending out tweets on its behalf.

A few other suggestions:

–Check out the course catalog at your local community college. What classes can you take?

–Check out curriculum of online colleges and universities. (We have suggestions in this article, part of our special section on Getting Out and Socializing)

–Research the companies you’d like to work for in the future; follow their progress through articles in magazines and newspapers

–Write a classified ad for a job you’d love to have. What skills do you need to be a qualified applicant for this dream job? How can you acquire these skills?

You have honed incredible skills as your mom’s caregiver. Think about all you do: You manage, organize, direct, prioritize, lead, advocate and teach. You can apply these skills to any career you’d like. Now’s the time to really think about who and what you want to be. The sky’s the limit.

We’ll soon be adding Think Tanks, four weekly teleclasses for family caregivers in similar situations who feel stuck and want to be unstuck. We’ll include a Think Tank called Future Me; we’ll focus on the future you want to create, including future careers. We’ll post more information about our Think Tanks in the coming weeks.

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

A new member of one of our online support groups recently wrote me with an interesting thought. “I think caregiving deserves its own diagnosis,” she said.

Hmm… So, I asked Donna, who has a M.S. in counseling and cares for her mother, to expand on her idea. My questions and her answers follow.

Caregiving: Do you remember inspiration for the idea of caregiving as a mental health diagnosis?
Donna: I don’t have a specific inspiration for the idea of a diagnosis for caregivers other than my own reaction to too much caregiving and too much grief. My idea of a caregiver diagnosis also comes from my graduate school project which covered the pervasiveness of sexism in our culture and from my work with neglected women. The stress that comes from caregiving causes many physical and mental difficulties; if PMS can be a diagnosis, why not “Caregiver Syndrome”?

The disciplines of neuropsychology and neurophysiology are part of the mind-body healing arts. It requires a Ph.D. to practice and Ph.D. doctors who are practicing usually perform testing services for social security, insurance companies, and the like. Researchers in that field study the physical and societal effects of stress-based symptomology, so it’s already a legitimate science currently in practice. I think they should step up to the plate to highlight the physical and mental fall out from the stress of caregiving. We have a glut of baby boomers on deck to receive caregiving services. If nothing is done to deal with the issue who will be around to care for the millions of soon-to-be elderly and sick? What will we do with them?

Our culture will have to make the jump to hyper-speed with regards to the complex understanding that we are all in this life together. America, and my family reaches back three hundred years, is still stuck in our frontier mentality that requires everyone to either pull a full load of weight, regardless of ability, or be left behind with no support. We are no longer a frontier community, we are now a cosmopolitan community, much like Europe, but we do not want to think like Europeans; we like our standards the way they are. Because our culture demands that doctors or lawyers are consulted for approval before we grant special status to anyone, a diagnosis for caregivers would fulfill that social requirement and lead to fixes we can’t yet imagine.

Caregiving: How would having their own a diagnosis help family caregivers? Is there a downside?
Donna: The societal structures would change. Medical and psych facilities would be forced to look at the minutia of the issue to decide the diagnosis. Looking at the minutiae would bring the issue into the public conversation.

If the symptomology were correctly recognized, it would be obvious that a caregiver cannot work at a job and caregive full-time, too. Even if a caregiver is not also working, a full understanding would bring to light just how disabling the process of caring for a sick or elderly family member becomes over time.

Statistically, caregivers die sooner than the receiver at a higher rate than in the general population. If the syndrome were accurately recognized, people could get state disability which would give them a year of paid time off, no guarantee of a job after a year, but that is quite a long time of paid leave to be used as the caregiver sees fit.

If caregiving syndrome were a recognized disorder then caregivers could get family medical leave for themselves, possibly state disability, possibly social security disability.* If we are going to require that people sacrifice themselves for a sick or elderly family member, we cannot simply leave them to suffer alone and unsupported. My idea of a caregiver diagnosis would not solve the entire problem, but it might offer some social structures that will help over time. The only true fix is for our culture to take our collective head out of our collective rear end and recognize that human frailty on the part of the caregiver is not a moral failing. Recognizing the disabling stress-symptoms caused by caregiving might result in the building of care centers that are homelike, well-run, clean, serviced by educated professionals and not minimum wage workers, and held to very high standards. A healthy society should not neglect families to the point that they must turn their entire lives over to the process of caring for the ill and the elderly, unless they want to.

There are sound reasons behind the adage, “A lawyer who defends himself has a fool for a client.” And, in medicine, a surgeon is not allowed to perform surgery on their family members. I think the reasons behind those concepts are obvious. Following this same logic, it is unreasonable to expect any person to gulp down their grief, fear, anger, past abuses, etc, and sacrifice their own well-being to the needs of a family member over long periods of time. It simply isn’t good for either party. The only thing standing in the way of a better outcome for care givers is will. I don’t see a down-side.

Caregiving: What symptoms would be present in order for a diagnosis to be given?

Donna: I think that a diagnosis tree could be determined based on presenting symptoms of malaise, depression or depressed affect, immune dysfunction, hair loss, high-blood pressure that was not present before caregiving began, weight gain that cannot be linked to other life style changes, chronic headache, chronic insomnia, chronic nausea, anger, rage, feelings of wanting to hurt one’s self or the care receiver, suicidal ideation, asignificant shift in personality. If a caregiver experienced at least five of the aforementioned health issues and is currently taking care of a sick or elderly family member, then that person could be reasonably said to be suffering from caregiver syndrome and could be at high risk for early death.

Caregiving: Based on these symptoms, would you be diagnosed? Why or why not?
Donna: Based on the above, I would have been diagnosed over a year ago.

What do you think? Do you agree?

*An individual can use the Family Medical Leave Act to care for an immediate family member (spouse, child, or parent) with a serious health condition. In addition, the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has issued best practices for employers with caregiving employees and enforcement guidelines against unfair treatment of workers with caregiving responsibilities.

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