It amazes me that we actually adapt to conditions such as these to the point that they are normal! I’m certainly grateful that it was a slow process because a nice stint in the state mental facility would have otherwise been the result of such a dramatic and comprehensive lifestyle change.

I’ve been a full-time primary caregiver for over 2 years now for both of my parents. When I look back at my life before that, a complete segregation exists between those lives, as if there are two different people. Further complicating things, my initial backward glance covers just an intermediate time called the ‘trying to care for the parents from a distance through my sister’ period.

In fact, the difficulty presented by long-distance care giving lead me to relocate my parents with me so that I could manage their care and ease my ever growing anxiety and feelings of helplessness. Other incarnations of Derek exist that are equally distorted as time passes. The ‘before parents were debilitated’ period as well as the ‘when parents were still ok and we took so much for granted’ era. Each of these now seem so foreign and surreal.

It fills me with a deep sadness when I look back at this past 7-10 years or so, and realize that so much time has passed with suffering and life realignment. There have been countless losses and changes, yet strangely for me, so much growth. I can solidly testify without speculation that I am indeed a different person than I was 10 years ago. Most people can say that though, right? We all learn and grow, hopefully, in that length of time. Choices are made and paths are taken. Do any of us really know where we are going? We may think we do, but I dare say most of us have no idea where we will end up.

I am, at present, analyzing how my life has changed, who and what I have become, and what my future looks like. How will my today shape my tomorrow just as my yesterday shaped my today? I must face the very real probability that within the next couple of years, if not sooner, my perceived identity, as it is today, will no longer exist except as a reference in conversation. What a level of fear this evokes if left unchecked. Knowing that I must add some layers to the ‘Derek, son of’ identity is a must and at some point in the past those diversified layers existed. How odd is it that the very act of helping my parents, trying to keep them alive and give them the best quality of life left, has eaten away at those very layers that will be necessary to preserve and protect me once my parents are gone.

More thoughts later…blessings…
-Derek

Upcoming: Am I really just an overwhelmed dutiful son, or have I actually become lazy?

When you’re close to these changes, you may adjust to them without much thought. Until a milestone, like the holiday season, happens. And, then you think: Wow! It’s all different now.

So, tell us: What’s different for you (and your care recipient) this holiday season? And, more important, how does that feel?

The research found in Buddy, Can You Spare a Job? The New Realities of the Job Market for Aging Baby Boomers paints a sobering picture, but also contains essential insights and advice for older job-seekers.  It combines a survey of 1,200+ individuals ages 55 to 70 with in-depth interviews of both job-seekers and employment experts.

Conducted in collaboration with David DeLong & Associates, a research and consulting firm with expertise in workforce issues, the data suggests that to be successful older job-hunters must adapt to the changing workplace by adopting new attitudes, specific skills and a fresh set of expectations.

“The fact that so many job-seekers over 55 have difficulty finding work means such individuals need new solutions to compete,” said Sandra Timmermann, Ed.D, director of the MetLife Mature Market Institute.  “Largely due to the economy, many of those looking for work may not have the money to retire.  For this group, finding work is a necessity and they would benefit by making major changes in what they present about themselves to potential employers.”

The study lists “The Significant Seven” -the most common mistakes older Americans make when they are looking for a job, as exemplified by the following common faulty assumptions:

•    ”I’ll just do what I was doing before.”
•    ”My experience speaks for itself.”
•    ”I don’t have time for this touchy-feely stuff about what work means to me.”
•    ”I know! I’ll become a consultant…!”
•    ”Of course I’m good with computers.”
•    ”I’ll just use a recruiter for some career coaching.”
•    ”I’ve always been successful, so why should things be different now?”

Instead, older job-seekers and mid-career employees will need to recognize five critical success strategies, the report says:

1. Acknowledge the New Realities of the Job Market Anger about perceived age bias won’t get you a job.  The fact is there are still opportunities for older job-seekers; these will increase in many sectors as the recession recedes. In the meantime, older job-seekers can do three things to better understand the market. First, identify nearby industries and organizations in the region that are stable or growing. Second, look for organizations with a workforce culture that respects all workers. Finally, older job-seekers should look for opportunities in small- to medium-sized companies, which create the majority of new jobs.  Self-employment is one other option.

2. Reframe Your Experience to Demonstrate Future Value Boomers must identify and articulate what specific value they can bring to an organization, while simultaneously recognizing that their underlying skill set must constantly evolve.  For example, knowledge of Internet marketing was still new for most marketing managers eight years ago.  Today it is a prerequisite for working in marketing. It’s not just about networking and brand building.  It’s about clarifying what you have to offer and developing the contacts you need to be taken seriously to compete in this job market.

3. Nurture Your Network Every job seeker needs to use their existing network, but it’s especially critical for older job-seekers.  It’s easiest to do so when you’re clear about your passion and you can connect with people who have similar interests.  Discovering your zeal for an area lets you naturally develop and demonstrate expertise, which connects you to people with related interests.  These connections are more likely to be a source of new job opportunities than a network of individuals with unrelated interests.  Not all networking is about meeting people who might help you find work. It should also be about learning.  “Find a volunteer organization with younger people. It’s an advantage to be able to say, ‘I’ve been working with 20-year-olds.’”

4. DOS Is Dead: Update Computer Technology Skills The most consistent finding from interviews was the need for older job-seekers to update their computer skills.  Older job-seekers who aren’t familiar with Facebook and LinkedIn need to learn about them- fast. That doesn’t mean aging Boomers have to reorganize their lives around the latest communication and networking technologies.  But they should try them and be able to talk about them, so they aren’t caught unprepared the next time a 40-year-old hiring manager asks, “Are you on Twitter?”  Older job-seekers, in particular, must invest time to address this challenge directly, if they hope to stay competitive.

5. Do the Math – Then Manage Your Ambivalence It may be late for older Baby Boomers to start planning their retirement finances, but they should recognize the conflicting pressures they may have about work and retirement.  Despite financial need, a significant segment of those interviewed were ambivalent about staying in the labor force.  Job counselors shared stories of program participants consistently sabotaging themselves in job interviews because they were torn about success in their search.  Older job-seekers should be clear about their actual financial needs, especially for consistent and stable sources of retirement income, as they struggle with making a decision about finding work.

“Older job-seekers who don’t recognize that they’re viewed differently in the job market are in for a rude awakening,” said Dr. David DeLong, author of the study.  ”Lots of aging Boomers will need late-career employment in the years ahead and this study shows what they have to do to make themselves relevant and successful in the changing employment market.”

Related Articles

Ask Denise: Will I Have the Right Skills for Employment?

Working Family Caregivers Get Best Practices

Ask Denise: Should We Quit Our Jobs?

Whether you’re recently laid off or wondering how to return to work after your caregiving role ends, you’ll want to join us during these special shows. If you have specific questions you’d like answered during any of the shows, feel free to email Denise. During the show, you can call with your questions (phone number is 646-652-4944) or send a question via the show’s chat room.

• A set of principles of right conduct.
• A theory or a system of moral values: “An ethic of service is at war with a craving for gain” (Gregg Easterbrook).
• The study of the general nature of morals and of the specific moral choices to be made by a person; moral philosophy.
• The rules or standards governing the conduct of a person or the members of a profession.

Your spouse has advanced Alzheimer’s disease; is it okay to date a member of your support group?

I first encountered such a real-life situation a few years ago. A dear friend began dating a member of his Alzheimer’s caregiver support group: His wife had died; her husband was receiving care in a nursing home. They fell in love. He was 90-years-old; she was 72. They began dating and moved in together. Her children vehemently disagreed with their relationship. When her husband died, they married. Nine months after marrying, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My friend cared for his new wife until her death, just months after her diagnosis.

Their thought process about their romance, which began during her marriage, was this: They’ve been given another chance for love, for happiness. Why not grab it?

As one family caregiver said about this situation, “This is tough.” No doubt about it, this situation can certainly be seen in black and white and all shades of grey.

A few suggestions in case you find yourself grappling with a similar situation:

1. Remember that ethics (determining what’s right and wrong for yourself) are different than your feelings. Acting on feelings doesn’t necessary make a situation ethical. Of course, you’ll want to take into account feelings (yours and others affected by the situation) when facing an ethical decision.

2. Ask yourself: In five years, when I look back at this situation, which decision that I can make will make me feel the proudest? Looking ahead can help you gain some perspective.

3. Brainstorm every option and then create scenarios around each one. Looking at potential options from all angles can help you find the right one. And, by anticipating all reactions and results of your decision, you can determine your comfort level with each possible decision.

4. Look for a decision that’s akin to a compromise. All or nothing rarely is the right decision; it’s usually somewhere in the middle.

5. Talk to professionals, friends and family members about your situation. Listen with an open heart, remembering that everyone will have an opinion. Within their opinions, you may find a perspective that will help you decide what’s right for you.

6. Allow yourself the freedom to revise and change your decision. You may make a decision with information known to you today. Tomorrow, you may learn additional information that will change your decision. Or, you may make a decision, then decide, after living with it, that’s it not the right decision for you. That’s okay.

7. Give yourself the time needed to make the right decision. It’s your life—you’ll know when you’ve had enough to make your decision.

8. It might help to consider not what feels good but what feels right.

Ethical decisions are part of life and often make life more interesting and more vibrant. They also offer an incredible opportunity for personal growth—you’ll never know what you’ll discover about yourself as you search for your right answers.

What do you think? Have you encountered a difficult decision that called for a review of your ethics? Share your experiences in our comments section.

Resources:

A Framework for Ethical Thinking

Making Ethical Decisions (Christian-based process)

The Ethical Decision-Making Process

Related articles

• Alzheimer’s Other Victims: Caregivers (abcnews.go.com)

We mentioned the following resources on our show:

The Alzheimer’s Project; you can watch the series online.

The UCSF Memory and Aging Center has a YouTube channel to educate family caregivers about dementia.

Coach Broyles’ Playbook: The Playbook is an engaging, how-to guide written for those who care for someone with Alzheimer’s. Coach Broyles cared for his late wife Barbara, who had Alzheimer’s disease. You can purchase his book in our Caregiving Store.

Related articles

• Warning Signs: A New Test to Predict Alzheimer’s (time.com)
• 15-Point Test Gauges Alzheimer’s Risk (nlm.nih.gov)

I need advice. My father had a stroke 4 years ago that left him unable to speak (though he understands everything he is unable to speak or write) and his right arm is paralyzed. He was only 60. He has been able to do most things for himself during this time (walking, dressing, eating, etc.) My mother has taken care of him during this time, but she has had a lot of caregiver stress. Recently, he was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. He is currently in the hospital undergoing his first round of chemotherapy. He is in a VA hospital that is about an hour drive from their home. I live in Arizona and have been with my parents for 3 weeks to help. My mother is overwhelmed with stress and emotion. We don’t yet know the prognosis for my father, but my mother is anticipating the worst and says she can’t take care of him any longer. I am having a hard time knowing what to do for her. I have been telling her she needs to go to a support group for years but she is resistant to do that. I’ve suggested that she get assistance with his care but she resists that as well. My parents have some money, maybe around 25,000, but she worries that it could all be gone in an instant if she began receiving in home or other care for him. Some of the first hurdles I’m trying to get past are how to know how to help them protect their financial resources and know their insurance specifics, and what support is best for my mother. Thanks for your help.

Hi,

First, you’re doing a great job helping your folks. Your commitment to doing what’s best for both of them is just terrific.

Because your mom is telling you she’s reached her limit, she has reached her limit. It’s possible that she may change her mind after she’s had some time to rest, but because it must be so hard for your mom to indicate she can’t do it any longer, then it’s safe to assume that she really can’t do it any longer.

Consider your role for your parents to be that of researcher, information gatherer, communicator and supporter. You’ll want to research options, gather information and then communicate that information and options to your mom (and dad, when appropriate).  Once you’ve communicated the options to your mom, it’s important to let her know that you’ll support the decision that she feels is best to make.

In addition, it’s important that your mom use this time to get as much rest as she can, so whatever you can do to help her get some sleep will be greatly appreciated.

To help you get started:

Based on your estimate of your parents’ assets, your father may qualify for Medicaid, which is the state and federally funded program for persons with low-income. Many nursing homes accept Medicaid as payment. (Medicaid is different than Medicare, which is an insurance program for older adults.)

To learn more about Medicaid, contact the Area Agency on Aging in your parent’s community (call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for a referral). Medicaid has a provision to protect the at-home spouse in case of nursing home placement. This article includes information on spousal impoverishment.

You also can search to learn more about benefits your parents may be eligible for here: http://www.benefitscheckup.org. You also can learn more about benefits for veterans here.

It’s also important to meet with a social worker at the VA Hospital to help you and your mom decide your next step. The social worker can tell you about nursing home options, as well as explain any other benefits available to help your parents. The social worker also can help you and your mom discuss options and then help your mom make the decision that’s best for your mom and your dad.

In addition, contact the doctor to learn more about your father’s prognosis and plan of care. More information about his prognosis also will help.

Hope this helps!

Related articles

• Debating the Nation’s Top Nursing (usnews.com)

• CMS Releases Quality Ratings For U.S. Nursing Homes (medicalnewstoday.com)

Where to begin… My mother-in-law was recently diagnosed with ALS; she is approx. 75 years old (none of us know her real age, this should provide a good hint to where the rest of this is going). She has four daughters (one in Florida, the rest here in Indianapolis) and one son and lives in her home with her husband who can get around fairly well. The family dynamics are too detailed to get into but suffice it to say that this woman has been very proud and very private for years. There are things her children don’t know and she wants to keep it that way. She is particular about where things go and how things are kept and is not very happy that her children and there going through her things and trying to clean the home. She is now at the stage where she can not communicate and has problems drooling. The children are not really close due to various reasons and so, you can only imagine the difficulty that is presented once decisions needed to be made.

There seems to me (keep in mind I am viewing things from an observation standpoint) that the family is having difficulties in dealing with the illness and so they have decided to focus on the care of the house to try and “help out”. The son is a policeman, working two jobs and has very little spare time; he is also separated from his wife (me). The eldest daughter is in Florida and is the most responsible. The next daughter is retired, wants to take charge but can’t handle things; the middle daughter is somewhat estranged but helps and the youngest daughter helps with restrictions (i.e. doesn’t do floors, refrigerators, toilets, etc.). The family has focused on a “schedule” for things to be done including the cooking of meals. I provided my husband with information on a geriatric care specialist with St. Vincent Hospital in Indianapolis and this person was very familiar with the disease and the stages of progression. She stated that it was necessary to have flexibility in the care program due to the progressive nature of the disease; needless to say, no one has a medical background. My husband even provided this info to the other siblings as well as information on the best foods to prevent chocking but no one replies to this information. They are upset with him because he works from 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. cutting hair and from 2:45 to 10:45 p.m. as a State Trooper. His weekends are not free because he works at the shop and has to do this to take care of his obligations. His concern is that his parents receive proper care not just a clean house. It is as if his sisters feel that by cleaning house and cooking meals, adequate care is being provided yet all the while, she continues to deteriorate. The sister in Florida is in agreement that an assessment and care plan needs to be done but none of his sisters ever responded to the information he sent. When he tells them about his schedule it is as if they can’t hear him and all the while they go on cooking and cleaning and that is all. The youngest daughter has held on to a DVD about the disease and won’t look at it because “she is afraid”. I feel they are all afraid to face reality and yet what can be done to cause them to “snap out of it?” I stress again that no one is medically qualified and at this point there is contention because the son can not contribute to care as much as the others which is frustrating for him because he wants to contribute in ways that he feels counts which is appropriate care, not just a band aid. They are focusing on good things but to me, not the right things. A speech and physical therapist comes to the home but my concern is that the meals cooked, without knowledge of the disease, could cause her to choke. How do you bring family members together and help them to focus on appropriate care rather than just trying so hard to be “good children” for appearances sake and to soothe their on consciences? They never even acknowledged the information they were sent on foods that prevent choking. I am at the point of telling them that if she chokes and dies, it could be one of them to blame for refusing to open there eyes and face reality. It is as if they are totally oblivious to what is really needed. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Hello,

I can appreciate that you are trying your best to help and that you have your mother-in-law’s best interest in mind.

From reading your note, though, I get the feeling that there’s lots of directing, but very little communication. Directing is a one-way street that often leads to dead-ends; communicating leads to greater understanding between two or more parties. When parties communicate, they ask questions to avoid assumptions, check in to see how each other is doing, concentrate on listening, share their appreciation for each other, and commit to working out conflicts in a diplomatic way.

It sounds like your sisters-in-law also are doing their best under really trying circumstances. Their mother has a devastating disease; watching her deteriorate before their eyes must be heart-breaking. They’re providing a clean and structured household for your mother-in-law, something, it sounds like, that your mother-in-law values greatly. In addition, they have called in help from professionals, who have developed a care plan that works best for your mother-in-law. It sounds like you’ve researched the disease, which is great, because it gives you a good overview. However, the speech and physical therapist will know your mother-in-law’s care needs best.

I guess I can’t help but think that perhaps this is really about your changing place in the family, that your separation from your husband does change who you are in the family–and that can hurt. It sounds like you would like to help (and you were trying to help by sharing information about choking). It’s been my experience that the best way to help is to call the sisters-in-law, tell them how much you want to help and then ask them how you can. Then, follow their guide. Again, it’s about communicating, rather than directing. I would imagine once they see that you want to help, rather than criticize them (I would imagine that they take your information as a criticism of the care they are working hard to provide), your reception from them will be much different.

Most important, you won’t say anything that you’ll regret later.

Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You’re not alone!

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving! newsletter, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

I’ve given more thought to this idea, especially that of the closed hand. Fear causes us to clench our fists–we fear losing, not believing we can gain.

For instance, keeping our closets cluttered–keeping us in our past–may be a way we close our fists. A clean closet makes room for all the possibilities our future–even the painful future you anticipate–may hold. Even with pain, our future can bring amazing blessings.

Staying silent about our pain–keeping us in that pain–may be another hand held too tight. Fearing judgment or rejection, we stay mum about what weighs heavy on our heart. We open our hand by finding a well-deserved, helpful and loving support system with which to place our pain.

Remaining within our comfort zone is another fist. We fear failure, which keeps us in a place less than our true selves. Challenging ourselves, stepping into unchartered waters, shows us who we really are. It adds more colors to our rainbow. And, our rainbow was made to show a full spectrum of color that shines brightest when we take chances.

Holding on to relationships that worked for us then, but not now, is another hand held tight. Moving away from relationships that hold you back and into relationships that bloom you is a hand held open to love. Relationships that have run their course can end lovingly and peacefully. When they do, you enter into new relationships with love and peace. A good end creates a good beginning.

Take some time to consider what circumstances, situations and relationships cause you a closed fist. What do you fear? How can you replace that fear with trust, love and faith? How will you open your hand?

Wondering why your spouse says what he/she does? Why your care recipient acts the way he/she does?

Exhausted from trying to change them?

A hard lesson to learn is that we can’t change anyone. We can only change ourselves. And, interestingly enough, when we change, we also change our relationships.

The next time you want to strangle your spouse or scream at your care recipient, ask yourself, “How can I change in this situation?” Changing may mean changing your reaction, changing your language, or changing your tone. When you change something, you’ll be rewarded with a positive.

Use your energy to control your actions, words and responses. You’ll be surprised at what changes—and how much extra energy you have during the day.

So, for most of her adult life, Annie did as her mother said. It just seemed easier to go with the flow, rather than go against the grain. Her mother was a stubborn German: Who wants to go up against that?

Annie didn’t, until about six months. She had battled Alice’s physician last year; he refused to consider prescribing a different medication for Alice’s arthritis. Annie knew her mother needed different medication. Finally, after many phone calls, the doctor relented; with the new medication, Alice is enjoying pain-free days.

Since winning the battle with the doctor, Annie has found herself standing up to her mother: Insisting that a home health aide come on Saturday mornings so that she can run her errands and that the companion come two evenings a week so that Annie has time for friends and other activities. Alice has acquiesced to this, but she makes sure Annie understands how disappointed she is in her. No good daughter would do this to her mother, she tells Annie. Annie leaves the room–but always to go to the bathroom to have a good cry.

Caregiving gives you a backbone. You learn that the squeaky wheel gets the grease and that typically, you know what’s best for you and your care recipient. It’s hard to develop this backbone and not have it impact other relationships in your life. And, sometimes, the relationship it will impact the most is the one with your care recipient.

Standing up for yourself is part of taking care of yourself. You hope that your care recipient will encourage you to have a life outside of caregiving, but often, it’s not in your care recipient’s nature to do so. After all, your life outside of caregiving, well, it’s exclusive of them. Who wouldn’t feel left behind?

As you take steps to ensure you have activities and enjoyment outside of caregiving, be aware of your care recipient’s guilt trip. As long as systems are in place to step in and provide care in your absence, guilt should not be an ingredient in your life outside of caregiving. You deserve a full life. You need a full life. Enjoy a full life!