After walking through my list and my goals, my well-meaning colleagues said: When are you taking care of yourself? You must take care of yourself.

Which led to this thought of mine: Oh, for heaven’s sake! Getting through this To Do, in the amount of time I have, is how I take care care of myself!

It was an incredibly frustrating moment. A moment when I thought: Your suggestion only serves to increase my increasing frustration!

In a caregiving situation, your family and friends may see you on a bad day or in a bad way or in a bad mood. And, then, during your vulnerable time, they’ll share a suggestion, offer advice, state a solution. Which, of course, sends your bad to much worse worst.

So, today, in Tell Us, I wonder: What advice do you hear that you causes you to think: “You’re kidding, right? Because that’s just stupid.”

I look forward to reading your comments.

The relationships we love are the ones in which we feel safe, protected. We feel safe to be ourselves. We feel safe, knowing we have a partner who helps row the boat during difficult times and who wants us to be our best.

Sometimes, we also form relationships with situation. And, so it is with caregiving. It’s a tough relationship, the one with caregiving. It can be hard to love it. And, the uncertainty and unknowns of caregiving can unsettle you into a place of feeling quite unsafe.

When caregiving nudges you into feeling unsafe (unsure, unsteady, hesitant), how do you move into feeling safe (confident,  sure-footed, tall)? Please share your thoughts in our comments section.

Resources

Decisions from the Head and Heart

When You Want to Walk, How to Stay

Home

Program Note: Your Caregiving Journey airs today at 1 p.m. CT. Linda Rosen, a long-distance caregiver to her mom, will talk about her decision to move her mom to assisted living and working well with her brother. Listen here.

We discussed the importance of allowing space for you both to feel bad—or not—in your own way. (In this episode, we focused on carees who do not have a cognitive impairment.) Sheri explained the importance of avoiding assumptions and projections. When we assume, we jump to a conclusion about how a caree may feel about the decline. When we project, we turn our issues in our caree’s issue.

When we assume and project, we run the danger of overstepping our emotional boundaries. We also can shut down honest and helpful dialogue.

Sheri suggested asking yourself these questions:

1. What scares me about this transition?

2. What could scary about this transition for my caree?

As you work through the difficult emotions of a tough transition, also ask yourself: What’s the worst that could happen? And, then consider: What if the opposite were true?

Then, tackle this question: How can I plan to enable a better outcome?

Finally, dealing with caregiving transitions can feel like climbing an icy mountain. Share you concerns with your support system. Speak with a counselor or a life coach. And, provide the same opportunities for your caree to speak with a caring listener.

Program Note: G-J joins me tomorrow at 9 a.m. CT for Table Talk. You can listen live (and download the archive to listen later) here.

Related Articles

• Budgeting for Care (caregiving.com)
• Diffusing Faulty Family Members (caregiving.com)
• Managing Worry When Worry Is Normal (caregiving.com)

As she spoke, a thought occurred to me: Caregiving can touch dormant wounds, both physical and emotional. A bum knee or a bad back can get worse because of the physical duties of caregiving.

Even more painful can be the underlying emotional scabs; memories of difficult childhood moments or an upsetting past relationship can flare because of caregiving.

While you work to do you best today in a caregiving role, your body or mind may sometimes get stuck in your past. So, today, we wonder: What wound does caregiving touch for you? And, when the wound gets touched, how do you manage?

Resources

When You Want to Walk, How to Stay

When The Bombs Drop (And They Will…)

Because I hope you will listen to the show, I’m just going to give you the highlights:

We spoke with Karol about her caregiving role to her mom and how worry enters the equation. At the end of our show, she shared how worrying about her mom differs from other times she’s worried.

Worry, Karol said, is the thought process we take to resolve, solve and came up with answers for a current or future situation. Stress is our physical response to the loop worry can take in our minds. The feeling of powerlessness underlies our worry and undermines us.

Karol walked us through one of the tools she offers us in her book to manage our worry. When we want to reach for the gallon of ice cream as way to work through our worry, Karol offers us another option: S.A.N.E:

Stop, take a breath and a moment to reflect on the current situation.
Acknowledge what you are feeling.
Normalize the feelings about the situation and your impulse to reach for the ice cream. It’s okay.
Evaluate the alternative options which help us feel powerful and in control (write in a journal, talk to a friend, take a walk).

Finally, we spoke about how being in a caregiving situation can feel like watching a series of breaking bad news alerts. Just like watching the bad news on the boob tube will affect us negatively, so will the constant caregiving vigilance. It’s okay to step away and give yourself a break. Your body will respond to the break by feeling refreshed. Your mind will respond with a healthier perspective. And, your heart will respond with more compassionate responses to your caregiving situation.

Related Articles

• Recovering from SSS and Facing Our Fears (caregiving.com)
• Margin (caregiving.com)
• Flower (caregiving.com)

It’s awful to feel intimidated. We feel controlled. Even worse, we feel like a lesser version of ourselves. We just feel less.

So, the true question is: How can we feel whole, even in situation and relationships that challenge us?

Keep in mind:

–Experiences only mean something when we attach a meaning. We can choose to attach a meaning that’s a healthy perspective for us rather than one that negatively impacts us.
–How we feel is how responsibility—no one can make us a feel a certain way without our permission.

So, when we’re in a situation when we feel less of ourselves, it’s a cue to get more:

• More information;
• More support;
• More help;
• More time;
• More understanding;
• More love

So, when you need more, how can you get more?

Consider:

• Who (or what) can provide more information?
• Who (or what) can provide more support?
• Who (or what) can provide more help?
• Who (or what) can provide more time?
• Who (or what) can provide more understanding?
• Who (or what) can provide more love?

Turning to other resources (including, and often, ourselves) for more keeps us full.

Finally, consider:  Who champions you? Who sees you as more when you’re feeling less? Be sure to take time today to thank that person. And, who do you champion? Commit to being a champion who sees everyone for being more, rather than less.

And, choose to be more. Be full.

Resources

• Subscribe to Spotlight on Caregiving, our weekly newsletter

• Get Caregiving Deals

• Caregiving Coaching with Denise

• Take Comfort, Reflections of Hope for Caregivers

• The Caregiving Years, Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey

Related Articles

• Tell Us: When Do You Wish for a Pink Slip? (caregiving.com)

I’m my grandmother’s caregiver, and I can tell that I’m reaching a breaking point.  Nothing’s happened yet, but I notice that I’m getting angrier with her than I had in the past.

She and I are different.  She’s on oxygen and has been told by her doctor that she needs to wear it 24/7.  It’s okay if she takes it off for a short break every once in a while, but basically, whenever she stands up, she needs to wear it. 

This is where we differ.  If my doctor told me that I needed to do this, I would make sure that I wore it as much as possible.  My grandma will get up in the middle of the night and go to the kitchen for a snack, which is fine.

The problem is that she won’t take her oxygen with her.  I’ll get up to tell her to go back to bed.  I’ll see the oxygen in her room and ask “is the bed sick, grandma?”  She’ll be like a smart-ass kid and say yes.  I’ll ask again and she’ll say it’s only temporary.  But she has CHF, so without the oxygen, her heart is working twice as hard.

I feel like I’m doing more to take care of her than she is doing for herself.  She’s never hungry, so getting her to eat anything is a job in and of itself.  And when she does eat something, she’ll always say she’s not hungry so I have to bargain with her every single meal “okay grandma, if you just eat this much, then it’ll be okay”.  That would be fine, but again, every single meal.  It gets tiring. 

Also, I feel I’m getting more depressed myself.  My mom is the only other family member that comes over and does anything.  But she gets worn out herself.  There are family that live close by but none of them ever visit or even call.  I know what they’re thinking…” We don’t have to worry about Grandma, Nate’s taking care of her”.  That’s true, but two of those people are my mom’s sisters and they don’t even say thank you.  Their idea of thanks is money. 

I recently went on a trip to L.A. for a week and those two sisters had to share the task of taking care of her.  One would sleep over for breakfast and dinner, the other would come over for lunch.  I hadn’t even arrived home yet, and they were already packed up and gone when I walked in the door.

I guess I didn’t have to write all of that.  I could just ask how do I put up with a stubborn person who doesn’t want to eat and doesn’t want to wear her oxygen?  I’ve tried everything I can think of.  With regard to protein, I use Carnation Instant Breakfast, but she’ll say it’s too sweet.  So, I’ll add more milk to dilute it, but then she’ll say it’s too much milk.  She complains about everything.  I’m almost tempted to see my own doc about antidepressants if it doesn’t get any better.

I’ll stop now, because this could go on forever.  Thank you.

• Either I put my needs second or my caree doesn’t have his needs met.
• Either I stay with my caree constantly or bad things will happen.
• Either I put my life on hold or my caree will not have what he needs when he needs it.

Thinking these statements is much different than reading them. When you think them, they may seem to make sense. Because you worry about your caree and because you understand your caree’s complicated care needs, it’s easy to understand why these thoughts seem to make sense.

But, when you read them, they seem insane. With these thoughts, you put qualifiers on caregiving, that all hangs on you; you control the outcomes, the results. Oh, my, that’s a heavy burden to bear. And, truly, how much of a disease process can you really control? 

Not much.

Consider how you can move from “either…or” to “and.” With “and” in the mix, your thoughts may be like this: 

• I can take time for myself to pursue my own interests and my caree will be okay.
• I can make myself a priority and my caree’s care needs will be met.
• I can set boundaries in my relationship with my caree and we both will better because of it.

These statements, when both thought and read, sound loving, kind and respectful—thoughts deserving of you. It is possible to have both—times when you become the priority and your caree still receives quality care.

Do you get caught in the “either…or” mindset? How can you move toward adding “can?”

Toward the end of the show, we talked about the worry about discussing caregiving with non-caregiving friends. With the worry comes the concern that complaining could be misinterpreted as being disrespectful to a caree.

This conversation reminded me of another I recently had with another family caregiver. She, like Donna, made the decision to move her mom into her home. She, as does Donna, recognizes this decision as a choice. They both made a choice that having their caree live with them would best.

The family caregiver felt terribly guilty about expressing any frustration about her mom or her caregiving situation. It’s my choice, she said. I must just bear it.

It’s important to remember that within the choice lies difficulties. To vent about those difficulties is healthy. Expressing the sadness, loneliness and frustration of caregiving will help you find ways to manage the sadness, loneliness and frustration.

Making a choice about caregiving doesn’t mean you’ve also chosen to silently bear the difficulties. Share those difficulties with those who can understand and support so you can continue to feel good about your choice.

Related Articles

• Tell Us: When Do You Wish for a Pink Slip? (caregiving.com)
• Balancing the Happiness Scale (caregiving.com)

My 93-year-old mother resents going to bed at 10 p.m. I work full-time and get up at 6. She has bad knees and I fear she will fall. She uses a walker. She wants to stay up to watch Letterman. She will only fall asleep on the couch anyways.

Any suggestions!

Hello,

Ah, you need your rest and she needs her Letterman. Is it possible for you both to get what you want, even if it seems you want different things?

There are so many caregiving battles, but most seem to center on whose schedule (and preferences) will win. I think it’s possible to find a compromise so you both feel you’ll get what you need.

My suggestion: Buy a smaller TV for her room, as well as a bedside commode. She’s in bed at 10, and ready for bed, but can enjoy TV until she falls asleep (in her bed). Place the bedside commode close enough that she can use if needed; be sure her walker is properly positioned so that she can use it to get out of bed. And, make sure she can easily turn on a light so she can see if she must use the commode.

I have a timer on my remote for my TV–I can set the TV to go off automatically in a certain number of minutes. Perhaps you could do that, too—automatically set the TV to go off so you can avoid getting up once you’re settled.

You can check with her physician about having a physical therapist and occupational therapist visit your home to complete an in-home evaluation. During the evaluation, the therapists can demonstrate proper techniques for using the commode and walker (and other equipment, as recommended). Medicare does cover the cost of therapists who provide these at-home evaluations, as long as a physician orders the services. If her physician is not able to help with this, please let me know.

Hope this helps!

If you or your caree are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.