A thought provoking question to be sure; depending on where you are in your life your answers could be endless or perhaps a certain day or two instantly comes to mind.

Due to my parents’ decline I’ve been looking back a lot lately, capturing and storing memories.  The past few years have included a great deal of heartache to include the loss of several immediate and distant family members along with the death of our family pet.  To answer the question of what I would live over it is tempting to want to leapfrog past more recent years to a relatively calmer period.

But, if I could relive any day of my life it would be… today.

Mind you, today wasn’t the easiest of days. It involved numerous home chores both physical and mental. I had to work through several of those “little” questions posed by my children. You know, the ones which sound innocent but carry enormous repercussions. I made preparations for my next visit with Mom and Dad. Dad recognizes almost no one anymore, including his wife of 66 years. He’s such a gentleman that he gives polite answers to questions but when pressed will admit doesn’t know who any of us are or he will just stare blankly. Mom recognizes relationships but no longer has the language skills to properly label them. That’s why I go from being her “son”, “brother”, “husband”, to “nephew”, all in a single conversation. She knows she’s connected to me, whatever that connection is called.  She too, however, is experiencing more and more moments of total non-recognition.

So why repeat today?

Because today was the culmination of all that had occurred in my past. The lessons God had taught me, the experiences He allowed me to have and brought me through. I wouldn’t have been me today without all of the “todays” which preceded. My past had equipped me for the task at hand. While I could wish it had been easier or that there was another way (God knows I wish my wife, brother, niece and dog were still alive), if I were to change the past, today wouldn’t have happened.

Today I got to love on my family to the best of my ability. I was far less than perfect, the circumstances by no stretch of the imagination ideal. Today my family loved me, each in his or her own way.  They were far less than perfect, the circumstances less than ideal…

… and I wouldn’t mind reliving the day all over again.

How do you prepare visiting family members and friends for dementia’s behavior? Please share your experiences in our comments section, below.

Reminder: We’re solving your problems on our live call-in show, which airs tonight (January 24) at 7:30 p.m. ET. Do you have a caregiving worry or concern you can’t resolve? Call us tonight at (646) 652-4944 and we’ll help you find your answer. Listen to our live show (or download the podcast for later listening) here.

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• NAPA Advisory Council Convenes Tomorrow (caregiving.com)

Between our two conversations, Kristin took a five-day break, provided through Mary’s Hospice benefits. And, the break did its trick for Kristin. She feels better and sounds it, too. She plans to take a five-day break every three months.

I’d love to know: When will you take your next break? And, how will you spend it? Please share in our comments section, below.

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“Caregiving is not easy. I can’t imagine care-receiving is either.”

Dana, a new blogger on Caregiving.com, (Welcome Dana!) made the above comment and it reminded me of one of the “joys” of sandwich caregiving especially when your kids are teenagers. My kids see my parents and have heard our family history (on both sides of the family we live a long time (90′s-100′s) and die with dementia). My kids are waiting for me to become my parents; in fact they have already begun plotting.

My son and daughter talk about what they intend to do with me in my senior years when I’m “forgetful and helpless”. They’ve already made passionate promises about how they’re going to take care of me, wheel me around in my chair and how I’ll never have to go into a nursing home.

I would almost think of it as thoughtful, except that they:

(a) like to do it in front of me… as if I’m not in the room and

(b) believe that the forgetful and helpless part has already started to happen.

My response usually runs along the likes of the famous Bill Cosby line, “…I brought you into this world and I can still take you out!”

It does make me wonder however, if this is how my parents felt as my brother, sister and I began our “plot” as we observed changes in Mom and Dad and wondered what to do about it. Our parents later encouraged us to do exactly that, to begin planning, not realizing we had begun several years prior behind their backs. Their parenting style did not lend toward making this a corroborative effort. It was always going to “us vs them” but at least at one point, on some level, they recognized that the need existed.

Care receiving isn’t easy. No one grows up planning on becoming a care receiver. Yet for most of us, that is what we have to look forward to. Fortunately with us aging Baby Boomers, the financial and estate aspects of getting older are getting overdue attention but perhaps more needs to be said about our attitudes as well. How good are we at allowing others to help us?

My kids and I talk about this. I assured them that I’m going to be as stubborn and difficult as possible.  :-)

Still, it’s disconcerting to have your kids hover around you, looking for any sign of degradation. But while they’re watching me for any signs that I’ve become my parents, I’m watching them daily become me.

And they don’t understand why I look at them and smile.

Dad is back in his facility and resting comfortably. No specific caused found his seizure but we’ll be making the rounds of the Dr’s in the days and weeks to come. I learned that the original seizure occurred in the shower so I’m feel blessed that Dad didn’t get injured in there.

I need to buy flowers for the staff.

When I returned from the ER with Dad, I went and checked on Mom. She was sitting comfortably in her room alone, oblivious that anything out of the ordinary had happened at all. When she saw me she proceeded to run down every family member she could think of.

It was a strange list in many ways. She started off by asking me if my mother was alright, to which I answered she’s fine, she proceeded to name my brother and pronounced him fine, she named several of her sisters, many of whom are also dead… and pronounced them fine, and she named several more people, who were actually alive thankfully… and summed it all up with

“… and everyone is fine!”

She’s right you know. We are.

The stress has taken over her days. The stress has become her life.

I think you can all relate. It’s what makes stress so insidious—it will grip your mind and soul with such a tight hold that it leaves little room for anything else. And, in caregiving, the cures for the stress, like getting more help (sometimes, you can’t get enough) or having Mary attend a local adult day center (there isn’t one nearby) can be an impossibility. It would be great if Mary could take a walk to tire herself out so she sleeps better. But Kristin lives in a remote area, in the mountains, which makes it hard for her and Mary to go out for a walk together. And, it’s long drive into town; a shopping mall for safe walking during the winter isn’t an option.

So, how do you keep Mary occupied long enough so that Kristin can take a break? It’s a caregiver’s conundrum.

We’ve put together a few ideas to increase a caree’s activity (to help promote a better sleep) and/or keep a caree occupied (so you can take a break):

Buck and Buck: The company makes dressing easier. It also makes undressing difficult—which comes in handy if you’d like to keep your caree either clean or simply clothed (or both). For instances, back-zip jumpsuits ensure a caree can’t slip out of clothes or reach into what you don’t want them to reach. Shop here.

Collector’s Choice Music: Purchase your caree’s favorite music, including Big Band, classical/opera and soundtracks. Also available are old radio shows. Visit www.ccmusic.com or call 800-993-6344.

Innovative Caregiving Resources: Researchers from the Gerontology Center at the University of Utah concluded that video respites work—and developed their own series as result. The videos are now available through an unrelated company, Innovative Caregiving Resources. Videos cater to a wide range of care recipients; in “Ladies…Let’s Chat” female carees will enjoy a visit with Diane and her  grandchildren and in “Lunchbreak with Tony” male carees take a lunch break and discuss first cars and stick ball.  Other videos are geared toward specific ethnicities (Hispanic, African Americans, Jewish) and toward holidays, such as Christmas. For more information, visit www.videorespite.com or call 1-800-249-5600 .

NASCO: Its online catalog, at www.enasco.com/senioractivities, features products to captivate your caree. You’ll products for persons with Alzheimer’s, as well as puzzles, games, sing-a-long videos and arts and crafts. You’ll want to peruse this company’s catalog and/or web site; it offers great ideas on how to keep you caree occupied with meaningful activites. Call for catalog: 800-558-9595.

Alzheimer’s Store: You’ll find products that keep your caree. Products are categorized by stages (Early Stage, Middle Stage and Later Stage), wandering, safety, forgetfullness. Visit www.alzstore.com or call 800-752-3238.

Puzzles and Games: You can find puzzles specifically for persons with dementia. Check out Memory Jogging Puzzles, MGC Puzzles, DignifieDesigns and Springbook Puzzles. You also can find more game ideas at Marbles the Brain Store; if you’re unsure of which game would be appropriate for your caree, call (877) 527-2460 to speak with a Marbles’ “brain coach” who can offer suggestions.

Sit and Be Fit: Sit and Be Fit is a line of exercise videos developed and lead by Mary Ann Wilson, who you’ve probably seen on your local PBS station. Mary Ann has tapes for persons with chronic illnesses, such as arthritis and Parkinson’s, as well as tapes for persons new to an exercise program. “The Caregiver’s Guide To Exercise Video” is perfect for carees who are wheelchair and bed-bound. Call 509-448-9438 to learn about the right exercise video for you and your caree. Or visit the Sit and Be Fit web site at www.sitandbefit.com.

Senior Yoga: In this DVD, yoga teacher Debbie Russo leads you through a series of chair poses to help you and your caree increase your strength, endurance and flexibility. You’ll enjoy improved balance and stress relief. Learn more here.

No-cost activity ideas include folding laundry, organizing recipes and looking through old photos. Your caree also may be able to complete simple household tasks, like water the plants or help with cooking or baking or help feed and groom the pets. You also can reminisce, asking questions about a caree’s past, and play a favorite DVD of a treasured event (like a family member’s wedding). You also can ask family and friends to regularly call and write letters or send cards.

I’d love to add your suggestions as well. In our comments section, please tell us: How do you keep your caree occupied?

Reminders: Our next talk show airs on Tuesday, January 10, at 7:30 p.m. ET. And, I have our question (inspired by our show with Kristin): How can our communities help prevent family caregiver burn-out? Call in and share your suggestions; first caller wins. You can listen here. And, we chat on Twitter tonight (January at 8 p.m. ET (7 p.m. CT, 5 p.m. PT) about your best caregiving tips. To join us, just go to tweetchat.com, sign in with your Twitter credentials and use our hashtag: carechat. Finally, be sure to sign up for one of our classes; you’ll be amazed at what you learn about yourself!

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Today I saw new “Welcome Home” banners posted on the fence line outside the base. A unit must be returning soon. I pray they make it back in time for Christmas, it’ll be close. I remember those days and smile, happy for the returning Marines and their families.

Today I took my Dad to yet another doctor appointment. This was follow-up from the latest round of tests. I was actually hoping for something straightforward like a urinary tract infection. At least that is treatable and would explain the symptoms he’s experiencing, the exhaustion and physical decline. Instead the tests were all negative; a good thing of sorts but I’m left with the painful thought that I’m losing my Dad and once again there is nothing I can do. The morning appointment wiped Dad out and when I checked on him in the afternoon he was sleeping again.

Today I noticed Mom is getting comfortable apart from Dad. Given the direction Dad is heading this could be construed as a good thing. It is significant though given their 66 years together. I also notice Mom is having a harder time recognizing Dad. Also significant given their lengthy marriage.

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. I bought a rose and an anniversary card. The card said in part, “For my wife, wishing we could be together on our anniversary… I hope you know how very much I love you.” I laid the rose on my wife’s grave. The card I’m keeping.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’m ready for today to be over.

I agree… but….

As this disease (Alzheimer’s) progresses, I would also say the relationship does reverse. When our children are at their youngest, parenting is less about correction and imparting of life lessons and primarily about provision, protection and the giving of unconditional love. When my parents and I were younger I offered the love but was never responsible for providing for them let alone protecting them. Especially from themselves. Regrettably, I’m there now with my Mom and Dad.

At one point this past weekend I put my hand to my Dad’s face to ensure he was still breathing and shook him to waken him. I came close to calling my sister and telling her she needed to make her final visit.

A doctor’s trip later, immediate crisis past, adjustments to his care are being made but more tests and follow-up this coming week and his general decline continues.

Providing, protecting, giving unconditional love…

My parents will indeed always be my parents. As another writer who dealt with Alzheimer put it, caring for my parents is not a “duty I have to do”, this is a task ”I get to do.” Yet with the above definition in mind I say yes I am now parenting my parents. It is my honor to do so. for as long as I can.

I tried a new track and asked them both what they wanted for Christmas. Dad didn’t answer. He barely lifted his head. Mom paused for only a second before answering, “Come over and have dinner with us.”

Huh! I hadn’t expected that but thought why not! I know their favorite food, fried chicken and coca cola. Something even I can do. Christmas dinner it is.

It was lunch time so I walked Mom to her table. She held my hand and high-stepped behind me. She was happy. I then went back to Dad and waited for his wheelchair to be brought out. Dad was barely responsive to all questions or comments so I just sat quietly next to him and looked across the room at Mom ensuring she was still alright and that she stayed in her seat at the table, when I felt it… a hand, my Dad’s hand.

Dad had placed his hand on my knee. His eyes were still closed, his head down, but he’d gently laid his hand on me letting me know we were still connected.

No words necessary.

Mom and Dad seemed to push all of my emotional buttons today during my visit with them.  Dad is increasingly tired and now having trouble just sitting up.  He speaks when spoken to but when he opens his eyes there is no sense of recognition.  When asked who I am, he just stares blankly.  He hasn’t spoken my name in a several months.

Mom was her usual vocal self but today she peppered me with questions… about loved ones who are all dead.  She asked about her parents, her sisters, my wife and my brother.  She looked over at Dad and mis-indentified him as her sister.  Mom then began an extensive line of questions asking me about, my ‘mother’.  “Do you have a mother?”  “Where is your mother?”  “I haven’t seen your mother in a long time.”

I tried to asure her that my mother was very close by to which Mom answer, “oh yeah, I waved at her.”  :-/

In between Mom carried on her usually line of thought regarding going home.  And that was what was most disturbing, Dad is always content wherever he is.  Today for the first time, he too talked about going home.

This was balanced by an unintentional but very welcome gift from my two children.  One evening last week while I was out they rummaged through the house looking for something for a project of theirs.  They unearthed instead some CD’s.  The CDs were recordings made by my wife in the summer before her death.  I knew about the recordings but had been unable to find them and assumed they were lost forever.  Now I can hear my wife’s beautiful soprano voice as I have not been able to in over five years.  I told the kids I have my Christmas gift.

Just a typical week in my single parent, Sandwich caregiving world, when things are going good with the kids, my parents present a challenge.  When my parents are having a good week, the kids usually are not.  Add in working full-time and well… I’m never bored.

Because of my recent past, I usually don’t look forward to the holidays and Christmas espcially.  Don’t know what’s ahead, Dad in particular has me concerned but this year I am more optimistic than I’ve been in awhile.  A good blog party is going to help.