When you experience depression, you may think you can hide how you feel. When you share so much space and time with someone, like your caree, your depression will be hard to hide. So, how do you answer if your caree asks, “What’s wrong?”

You might say something like, “I am having a tough time right now. I am doing some things to feel better. Being here with you right now is important to me. And, it’s important to me that I do what’s best for both of us.” It’s important to be truthful that you are having a hard time and you are taking steps to feel better. (Anna and I spoke about steps you can take to feel better in our previous shows, which you can listen to here.) Just as you carefully choose how much to disclose to your children, you’ll also want to be respectful with your caree about the details you share. You can share more about how you feel (“I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low in my life”) to others (family, friends, us, your support group).

It’s also critical to make sure other family members and friends understand how you’ve explained your depression to your caree so they can use the same words.

Anna and I also discussed how a conversation about your depression with your caree and other family members or friends can become something quite powerful. It can feel scary to go to a vulnerable place (talking about your depression is an incredibly vulnerable place) and it also can take you to a place where you have a much better understanding of the importance of your  caregiving role.

So, I’d love to know: How have you spoken to your caree and/or family members about your depression? And, what additional suggestions would you offer to others struggling to have the conversation? Please share in our comments section, below.

Resources

• Our talk show became a terrific lead-in to tomorrow’s webinar, “Finding Your Answers to Those Awful Questions,” which takes place at 11 a.m. CT (Noon ET, 9 a.m. PT). You can join the webinar by simply visiting this page tomorrow. Be sure to arrive a few minutes early and with paper and pen.
• We’re taking submissions for our Caregiving Art Show and our Help book! Be sure to share your art and your story with the world.
• Our 2011 Family Caregiver Survey report offers a snapshot into the day and life of a family caregiver. Purchase the report for just $9.95 here. (Did you complete the survey? You get the report for free; email Denise to request.)
• Sign up for one of our three-week caregiving classes, including Three-Word Journaling. The classes take place conveniently over the phone and help you feel better exactly where you are. Register here.

Related Articles

• A Depressed Life (caregiving.com)
• Communicating What’s So Hard to Communicate (caregiving.com)
• Does Sharing Make You a Better Caregiver? (caregiving.com)
• Do We Need a POA for Love? (caregiving.com)
• Your Value: $450 Billion (caregiving.com)
• When Help Spells Meds (caregiving.com)
• In Six Words, What’s Your Simple Caregiving Tip? (caregiving.com)
• When Was Your Last Day Off? (caregiving.com)

Anna and I spoke about how we may have learned, growing up, to remain silent about our feelings. We also may have learned to stifle how we feel. Our parents, or other family members, may have felt insecure or overwhelmed by our feelings so may have told us, “You are too sensitive” or “Your are so dramatic.” We may have interrupted this message to mean that our feelings are wrong or unimportant. The reality is that our parents or other family members simply did not feel equipped to handle a discussion about emotions. It wasn’t about us or the validity of our emotions.

Anna gave us tips on how to express emotions in a way that allows us to trust and feel safe. You may say to a friend, “I’m having a bad day today. I want to vent about what’s going on. It would be great if you could listen.” When we first learn to vent, we may second guess how or what we vented.  So, we may be tempted to revisit a vent—to apologize for it. If we do this, though, we minimize our  feelings, much like we do if we say our feelings aren’t worth talking about.

So, when the venting ends, thank your friend for listening and take a moment to feel the relief of letting it out. Then, move on.

We ended our discussion by beginning a conversation about another aspect of depression: How do you discuss your difficult emotions about caregiving with your caree? Stay tuned for our this discussion during a show in July.

I’d love to know: How comfortable do feel in discussing your emotions? And, what did you learn from today’s show? Please share in our comment section, below.

Related Articles

• A Depressed Life (caregiving.com)
• A Wrong Turn Into the Right Life (caregiving.com)
• From Worrying to Trusting (caregiving.com)
• Caregiving. Again. (caregiving.com)
• Never (caregiving.com)
• Jail (caregiving.com)

According to a recent caregiving survey conducted by Caring.com, twenty-five percent of respondents stated that they suffer from depression, well above the national figure of 9 percent cited in a 2010 study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

And, it’s no wonder. So much of what happens in a caregiving situation can make you feel defeated. You can feel like you are lost without options or possibilities. When you feel lost like that, it’s understandable that you would feel despondent, hopeless. Depressed.

Anna and I spoke about reaching out for help if you feel depressed. We spoke about help in the form of counseling and medications. A short-term prescription for an anti-depressant can be a huge help, Anna said.

We also spoke about what can be an obstacle to getting help—our belief that we should be able to manage a situation on our own, that we are weak for needing help. On the contrary, life can, at times, just be too big for us. To face that bigness, we need a boost. And, that’s okay.

What has been your experience with depression during your caregiving role? How did you get help? Please share in our comments section, below.

Related Articles

• When Help Spells Meds (caregiving.com)
• Center (caregiving.com)
• From Worrying to Trusting (caregiving.com)

“I shouldn’t feel this way,” she tells herself. “I am just a wimp. I can fight my way through this.” And, with these thoughts, she begins to sob.

~~~

Tim loves his wife. He feels that his role as his wife’s caregiver is his life’s most important work. He researches treatment options for her, manages her care with kid gloves, drops her off at the adult day center every morning with a kiss. He misses her while she’s gone.

And, yet, he’d like to play a quick round of golf while she’s at the day center. He thinks it would be a good idea. But, every morning, he drives back home from the adult day center and lays on the couch. His friends call and, once in awhile, he’ll return the call. His children encourage him to get out and socialization.

He just wants to lay on the couch.

“I guess this is what it’s like to get old,” he thinks to himself.

~~~

When we think about help in caregiving, we of often think of another part of hands. The extra hands help with hands-on care, errands, meal preparation, socialization.

Sometimes, help also means meds for you. Medications can help with the common side of effect of caregiving: Depression. According to a results of a recent caregiving survey sponsored by Caring.com, twenty-five percent of survey respondents indicated that they suffer from depression. According to the U.S Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the national average of persons suffering from depression is 9%.

You may think seeking help for depression is a sign of weakness. It’s actually the exact opposite. It’s a sign of strength. Getting treatment for depression is just like the other coping strategies you’ve gained over the years: Attending a support group, writing in your journal, taking regular breaks, taking quiet time for meditation or prayer.

With the proper treatment, your depression lifts. And, what once seemed to be overshadowed by darkness now has a chance for light. Treatment for depression will give you more energy, renewed interest in your interests and hobbies, and an improved outlook on your situation. It gives you a fighting chance.

What does depression feel like? The U.S. Centers for Disease Control says you may be depressed if your feelings of sadness or anxiety last for weeks at a time. You also may have:

• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not get better, even with treatment

If you have any of these symptoms, check with your physician about treatment options, such antidepressants and therapy. Caregiving can bring depression into your house, but that doesn’t mean it has to stay as an unwelcome guest. With help from your physician, you can make sure it leaves.

Have you received treatment for depression? Please share your experiences in our comments section, below.

Resources

• National Institute of Mental Health: Treatment Options for Depression

• National Institute of Mental Health: How to Find Help

Holly and I talked about the difference between sadness and depression. For me, sadness is a response to an upsetting situation. I think depression, often described as anger toward inward, has a component of self-blame. I think depression sometimes can be sadness which we blame on ourselves.

Holly shared her techniques to move through her sad moments; she journals and visualizes putting the difficult emotion in a balloon and then pops it. And, she opened up about a sad moment that involved her husband and her son.

We ended our conversation with thoughts about how tough it can be to feel sad. We all have sad moments and it’s important that we feel safe to talk about those, especially when the sad moments happen during a sad experience, like caregiving.

How do you manage your sad moments? Please share a recent sad moment and how you worked through it in our comments section below. I hope the sharing will be a technique that helps you move through the moment.

Upcoming shows on Your Caregiving Journey (listen here):

• Tuesday, February 15, 9:30 a.m. CT (10:30 a.m. ET, 7:30 a.m PT): Must We Suffer? Anna Stookey joins us for a discussion about suffering. Life can be painful; does suffering have to be part of the pain equation?
• Friday, February 18, 9 a.m. CT (10 a.m. ET, 7 a.m. PT): Tax Times Two: Penelope W. Morgan, elderlaw attorney and financial planner, offers tips for completing your taxes and your caree’s.
• Saturday, February 19, Noon CT (1 p.m. ET, 10 a.m. PT): Table Talk: Trish: Trish, who blogs about caring for her brother, will join us to share her caregiving story.

Related Articles

• We Think We Hide It, But Our Energy Shows (caregiving.com)
• How Do You Stay Inspired? (caregiving.com)

During our discussion, Anna suggested we look for our answers to these questions: What frames my life? What’s my life purpose? When we look to find these answers, we understand that difficult times can help us find and fulfill our life purpose. When we understand this, we can stop taking tough times personally (in other words, we move from the “Why me??” question).

I’d love to hear your answers to Anna’s question. What frames your life? My answer? I am here to use my gifts and talents in ways that touch and comfort. I look forward to hearing yours!

-C.S. Lewis

Dr. Rosenbloom told us why medications and their effects change as we age, how a psychiatrist determines the effectiveness of a medication, how depression can worsen the symptoms of dementia, and what to do when a caree expresses an upsetting desire.

After listening to our show, you’ll see the incredible value of a geriatric psychiatrist. To find one in your community, visit the Geriatric Mental Health Foundation.

When I told Jim about working with family caregivers, he offered an interesting perspective: We all have an energy, he said, which impacts how others see us. When a (caree) sees frustration and guilt and hesitancy, then the (caree) will feel that, too.

Think about the people you enjoy, he continued. Would you rather be with someone who sees the glass half-empty or half-full?

I think we all believe we can hide our emotions. Our energy dimes us out, though. When we feel sad, our energy shows sad. When we feel anger, our energy shows anger. And, unfortunately, that energy affects others, particularly carees. When sad causes sad, the result can be overwhelming for both of you.

You can feel like you’re dragging around two broken hearts. And, doing that won’t just hurt your back, it will crush your spirit.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t feel what you feel. It’s normal to feel that anger, guilt, resentment and sadness. Feel those emotions with your support group and your support system. Seek professional help when the emotions seem to take over. Work with a therapist or life coach to create coping strategies and techniques. Your emotional well-being is so important—it’s one of your top priorities.

Because when you feel better, so will everyone else, including your caree. When your caree feels better, your caregiving role gets a little bit easier.

With your caree, feel that you both will be okay. That, as team, you can make it, that you both can manage the ending and the end. Feel it with confidence. Because it’s true. Because you have us, right behind you, cheering you on.

Resources

• Take a Caregiving Class: Understand and communicate your limits; Make well for your wellness; Make your own holiday magic. Register here.
• Schedule a complementary coaching call with Denise. (Existing clients: Schedule yours here.)

Related articles

• Pound (caregiving.com)
• Coping When You Have a Job (Like Caregiving) That Causes You to Feel Less Than You (caregiving.com)
• A Tip for a Tough Day: Appoint a Love Substitute (caregiving.com)
• Do We Need Emotional Pain? (caregiving.com)
• After Caregiving: The Perspective of a Year (caregiving.com)
• If End-Of-Life Were a Diagnosis… (caregiving.com)

We began our discussion with Anna Stookey, who joins us monthly to keep us in a good emotional space, with a description of grief. When we grieve, we feel a despair, a loss of interest, a change in our eating and sleeping patterns. And, we can be plagued by questions such as, Who am I? What has happened to my life? What is the meaning of my life?

I find great comfort in knowing that we all ask ourselves these questions during tough times. The difficulty of these questions is they can separate us from others, isolate us further into pain. The wonder of these questions is that they can lead us to amazing answers.

And, there’s the rub: Do we take away the questions through treatments like anti-depressants?

Anna had an interesting perspective: “Brains and psyches are not like a broken leg,” she said. Our emotional fix is much more complicated that putting a cast on a foot.

In a caregiving situation, you may feel like grief is ever-present. And, it may be one reason you dread the day: How in the world can you face another day feeling this bad?

Certainly, professional help can be a huge resource and anchor for you during the times you feel yourself float away. Therapists as well as caregiving and grieving coaches can help you develop coping skills. Support groups can be that safe place for venting and feeling.

Anna reminded us the importance of feeling those difficult emotions, rather than pushing them away. When we try to keep them in, they end up coming out in ways we wish they didn’t. (Read: Sigh. If Only It Was Just Vomit)

But, it’s exhausting to feel so deeply and so sadly every day. Anna suggested we look for containers to put those difficult emotions. A container may be 15 minutes at the start of the day; during those 15 minutes, you feel bad. And, then at minute 16, you move on. A container may be your weekly session with a therapist or counselor; you acknowledge the difficult emotion and then say, “I’m going to talk with (your therapist or coach) about this on Monday.” A container may be your support group or your journal.

We ended our discussion with the question: What does it look like on the other side of emotional pain? Anna gave us a glimpse.

What does it look like for you?

Related Articles

• Do We Need to Feel Those Hard Feelings? (caregiving.com)
• Embracing the Differences (caregiving.com)
• Five Traits of Well-Being (caregiving.com)
• Recovering from SSS and Facing Our Fears (caregiving.com)
• Are We Trapped By Gender? (caregiving.com)