Anna shared a great example of what it’s like when we resist the reality of our today. It’s like how we may feel when we’ve gained weight, she said, and yet we don’t face the truth about our real weight.

When we accept our weight, then we accept our size, then we wear clothes that fit. That acceptance means we have a chance to be better because we accept who we are. And, when we accept, we can change. We can lose weight, incorporate exercise, make different food choices.

We all know what it feels like to be at a weight we don’t want. Because we don’t want our weight, we continue to wear clothes that don’t fit. We start each day in a battle with our closet because we can’t find anything to wear, simply because we refuse to own anything that actually fits. So, we squeeze into our past, feeling awkward and uncomfortable in our present, dreading what we face tomorrow.

It’s the same with caregiving. The experience gets harder and more intense. It’s important to adjust the amount of help, support and time off you receive as the experience grows bigger. If you still have the amount of help you needed when the experience was smaller, then you’ll be stuck in a place of exhaustion, resentment and anxiety. You’re not wearing the caregiving size that fits.

To make sure you stay right-sized in caregiving, Anna suggests picking a day each month to check in. You can ask yourself a question like, “What can I change or adjust or modify so that caregiving fits better today?”

As you accept today’s reality, be compassionate and gentle with yourself. Accepting with compassion means giving yourself the chance to feel good wearing the size that fits.

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It’s irritating, uncomfortable and aggravating.

In the moment, it also seems unsolvable, like it will last forever. Like you will always be walking in your boots in the snow as your toe sticks out of your sock.

Of course, the hole in the sock can be a quick fix. You can sew the sock back together. Or, you can discard the socks and buy another pair.

Oh, if only the hole in your life could be fixed with needle and thread. Or a simple toss into the trash.

Closing your life’s hole does take a steady hand and a watchful eye. Be steady in your approach to solutions and help; don’t give up. And, be watchful of the state of your heart, welcoming support and love while letting go of bitterness and resentment so the hole doesn’t grow.

We can heal the hole in our life during our struggles. And, when we come out of our struggles, we’ll see that our holes heal to form our quilt of life, fastened by our threads of triumph. It will become the warmest quilt we’ll ever own.

Reminder: We’re solving your problems on our live call-in show, which airs tonight (January 24) at 7:30 p.m. ET. Do you have a caregiving worry or concern you can’t resolve? Call us tonight at (646) 652-4944 and we’ll help you find your answer. Listen to our live shows (or download the podcast for later listening) here.

Take Comfort: Our books, Take Comfort and Take Comfort, Too, can fill the hole in your heart. Buy them here.

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The handbook includes tips for for the “Expectant Caregiver,” the individual expecting a caregiving situation in the future. At that time, in 1998, those of us the in the eldercare industry faced a huge obstacle in reaching those pre-caregivers. As know, very few prepare for caregiving. Recently, though, I can see a shift, that many now understand that caregiving may be a part of their future. It’s no longer about “if” but about “when.” At some point in our lives, we all will be caring for a family member or friend. And, for some, the caregiving experience may be one repeated a few times.

Last year, when I updated The Caregiving Years handbook, I reflected on what I learned in the 13 years since publishing the first edition. I realized that how you manage the experience can be influenced by how you are when you start the experience.

So, in the fourth edition, I added these tips in The Expectant Caregiver section for what you can do before caregiving begins :

Take time to sort out your own issues.
It’s easy to overlook these issues when life seems easy. Caregiving, especially as it intensifies, will make life hard. And, it’s harder if you have unresolved emotional work as it relates to your caree or other family members…If you have difficulty standing up for yourself or finding your voice, this is a good time to work with a therapist or life coach to gain confidence in your decisions and your voice.

Do you struggle with the idea of asking for help? Now is a good time to figure out why and start practicing. Knowing how and when to ask for help is a great skill, which will become a huge asset for you.

“The Four Agreements, A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom,” a book by Don Miguel Ruiz, offers insights about our personal codes of conduct. As your caregiving journey continues, you’ll interact with family, friends and health care professionals who will drive you nuts. This book will give you the tools so you can stay sane.

Find your best shape―physically and financially. 

Find a work-out routine you like. Maximize the amount of healthy foods you eat. Pay off your debts. Save as much as you can. Uncomfortable managing money? Read books and take classes (online and in your community) to become comfortable. You’ll need to be at your best―physically, emotionally and financially.

Learn your caree’s life story. 

Document the story in a journal, video or audio recording. Collect recipes, photos, letters, poems and records that reflect your caree’s life and achievements. Ask questions about your caree’s childhood, parents, siblings and first loves. Involve other family members, including children, in the discussions.

Begin each day with the knowledge that you have love. 

Perhaps the toughest battles in caregiving begin within. Most battles really are about whether or not you are loved―by your caree, by other family members, by friends, by your significant other. End the battle now: Know you have the love. Know it now so you can remind yourself later.

In November, I spoke at a caregivers conference in Gwinnett County, Georgia. During the conference, Rabbi Scott Saulson delivered a workshop entitled, “What About Me? What About Us? Tiptoeing through the Mindfields of Caregiving.” During his presentation, Rabbi Saulson said:

If you know who you are, caregiving will be easier.

Exactly. There’s no better time to find out who you are then before a stressful life event like caregiving. A secure sense of self provides that all-important anchor when stress would like to swing you off your feet.

I’m wondering: What issue would you have resolved before the intensity of caregiving began? Please share your thoughts in our comments section, below. We’ll choose a winner to receive a copy of The Caregiving Years handbook.

Reminders: Table Talk on Your Caregiving Journey airs at 10 a.m. ET on Saturday. Kristin joins me to update us on her recent five-day break. Listen here. Our next chat on Twitter takes place on Sunday, January 22, at 8 p.m. ET. To join, go to tweetchat.com and enter our hashtag: #carechat.

Book Sale: You can save 20% on my books, including Take Comfort and Take Comfort, Too. Just use coupon code PRICETHAW at check-out. Buy here.

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Mary needed little prodding to share about her rift with her brother. She had cared for her mother for 10 years. And, her list of complaints against her brother could have lasted 10 years had we let her. Mary had an idea of what her brother should have done—and he had done none of it. We talked about her pain, that her brother had let her down, had abandoned her during her (and her mother’s) time of need. We talked about her pain over her sister-in-law, who chose to be uninvolved in helping and supporting.

Finally, toward the end of the presentation, Mary articulated her struggle: I’m jealous, she said, because they took five vacations this year.

While they vacationed, though, she lived an amazing legacy in caring her mom. They left, she stayed. She resents. She envies. She misses her life’s purpose.

Last night, I attended a play with my niece called The Amish Project. The play is a fictionalized exploration of a true event, explains the playwright, Jessica Dickey.

On October 2, 2006, a gunman took 10 young Amish girls hostage and then shot them, killing five. The event occurred in the morning. By the same evening, members of the Amish community, including relatives of the victims, had met with the killer’s widow to express their forgiveness and to offer comfort. The play gives a voice to those affected by the tragedy (including the killer) through the work of one actress.

At the end of the play, my niece and I were very happy to have a companion to share thoughts and reactions. At the play’s conclusion, you feel the full impact of the tragedy, the loss of life. You leave the theater wondering, How does a family bear the crushing weight of the murder of a child? And, how do they carry that weight with such grace that they forgive?

My niece and I asked each other: Could you attend the funeral of the person who killed a loved one? Could you welcome that person’s family into your family, understanding you share a bond of deep grief?

The Playbill offers an interesting perspective on what happens because of forgiveness. PJ Paparelli, the play’s artistic director, writes:

Years ago while developing the play columbinus, I spent considerable time in Littleton, Colo., the site of the Columbine shootings. The community was plagued with anger and sadness, which manifested in lawsuits, feuds between families, police cover-ups, and teen suicides. Five years have passed since the Amish school shootings, but the community of Nickel Mines seems remarkably adjusted to its profound loss. Amish and non-Amish both have turned this unimaginable tragedy into a vehicle of betterment, understanding and humility. They have not forgotten—every day they are reminded of the loss—yet the event has become a measure of their capacity to love.

I drove home twice yesterday—once from the seminar and once from the play. Each time, I passed a house where a young man had been killed during a home invasion. A large poster board had been taped to house’s front porch. With a black marker, someone had written the details for the young man’s funeral.

Why do we forgive? Because it’s the best way to live. When you forgive, you receive the best life has to give. When you forgive, your life story overflows of blessings.

Updates

1. Your Caregiving Journey airs tomorrow and Tuesday. Tomorrow, Anna Stookey joins me at 10:30 a.m. ET (9:30 a.m. CT, 7:30 a.m. PT). When you get spooked by caregiving, we’ll tell you how to survive the fright. On Tuesday morning at 11:30 a.m. ET (10:30 a.m. CT, 8:30 a.m. PT), Elizabeth Lombardo, our happiness expert, joins me to share how a good start to your day can help you create a good caregiving day. And, Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m. ET (6:30 p.m. CT, 4:30 p.m. PT), our live, call-in show airs. Call us to share your answer to this question: What do you know about caregiving that the world doesn’t? Listen to our shows here.

2. We chat tonight on Twitter! Our topic is blame and how you can end the blame game. Our chat lasts an hour and begins at 8 p.m. ET (7 p.m. CT, 5 p.m. PT). To join us, just go to www.tweetchat.com, sign in with your Twitter credentials and enter our hashtag: carechat. See you then!! (And, if you’d like to learn more about blame, check out last week’s webinar, Ending the Blame Game.)

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Trish’s book details her childhood with a mom who suffered from severe depression and a father who lived the highs and lows of bipolar disease. It’s a story of cigarette smoke, suicide attempts and broken hearts.

It’s also a story of accepting the messiness, as Trish calls it, of family in order to enjoy its blessings. As an adult, Trish and her mom become best friends. It’s a relationship that cancer ends much too soon.

And yet it’s not a book about self-pity or blame. Her book looks back at her family’s struggles with honesty and humor. It’s really a story of how we take the good with the bad and learn somehow to see that it all can be just right.

You’ll enjoy listening to Trish talk about her book, which took 10 years to complete. And, you’ll love her book, which you can buy here. Use coupon code BURIED to save 20%.

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The pressure in caregiving can make the experience ripe for regrets. You worry about what’s right and what’s best, which means you may second guess every move and every decision. The pressure intensifies because you feel like you won’t have a second chance. This is it.

So, I’d love to know: What do you think about regrets? How have you handled regrets you’ve had? Please share your thoughts (and your reactions to our show) in the comments, below.

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Bette’s forgiveness story involves her mom, who is also her caree. A difficult childhood relationship created a relationship in adulthood that Bette dodged. But, the dodging became more difficult when Bette’s mom moved in with Bette’s family after her mom’s stroke. Bette continued to struggle with feelings of anger and blame toward her mom. Silently, Bette questioned her mom’s love for her: Why wouldn’t you love me like you do my brothers?

Until an evening this summer when Bette stood in her house and thought: I’ve got to let this go. When she did, she had a vision of an opened door that she had held shut.

The forgiveness now allows Bette to see her mom in a new light. She no longer asks, Why wouldn’t you? She now understands her mom, because of her own limitations, couldn’t. And, she understands this without judgment of herself or her mom.

Bette defines forgiveness as the “ability to look behind.” When you look beyond, you can feel the peace. And, life, including caregiving, becomes so much easier.

After you’ve had a chance to listen to Bette’s story, please share your thoughts in our comments section, below.

Resources

• You can read more articles and listen to more talk shows about forgiveness here.
• Forgiveness is a critical component of the caregiving experience. You can learn more by reading The Caregiving Years, an excerpt from my handbook, here.
• Kristin shared how she gained compassion for Mary, her caree who’s incapable of feeling compassion on our talk show; you can listen here.
• Listen to our webinar, Healing Family Rifts, here.
• Our next talk show airs on Saturday at 9 a.m. CT (10 a.m. ET, 7 a.m. PT). Holly, who cares for her husband, joins me to talk about the power of telling the truth. You can listen here.

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The ability to accept another’s imperfections speaks so well of us. We can give another another chance.

Why, then, do we hesitate to be as accepting of our own imperfections? Why do we withhold another chance from ourselves?

It seems we can be so stingy in the chances we give to ourselves. And, in our cheapness with ourselves, we choose to reprimand and rehash (I should have done better, I should have known better) rather than making peace.

When you find yourself speaking harshly with yourself after a mistake or mishap, take a moment to stop. Then, choose to be generous with yourself: Give yourself a next time.

Next time, you can be different. You can manage differently, speak kindly, act graciously.

Be generous. Give yourself a next time.

Resources

• Do you love our comforts? Then, you’ll love Take Comfort, Too, More Reflections of Hope for Caregivers. In Take Comfort, Too, Denise M. Brown takes 108 words—including Parade, Green, Red and Glory—and then turns each into a reflection. The reflections focus on a family caregiver’s reality, sprinkled with hope. Denise’s insights about the caregiving experience feel like a warm hug, a helpful smile and an encouraging nudge. Order here.
• How’s your day going? Share your struggles and success in our Forum. Not a member of Caregiving.com? Sign up (it’s free!) here to share.
• Our May Board Report takes place today at 11 a.m. CT (Noon ET, 9 a.m. PT). During the 15-minute webinar, I’ll tell you what’s coming up on Caregiving.com this month. Can’t attend the live webinar? No worries! We record the webinars so you can listen at your convenience. Listen here.

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I’ve been thinking about life’s wrong turns. I’ve noticed that when I take a wrong turn in the car I often find a short cut. What if, I’ve thought, a wrong turn leads to the right life?

Anna and I discussed how life’s wrong turns (including caregiving), can propel us into a place of panic and fear. And, when panic and fear dominate, it can be hard to see that a wrong turn can help us create our right life. For instance, Anna was held up at gun point. (She shared more of this story during our show about forgiveness; you can listen here). During that moment, she stepped out of fear to make a connection with the man holding the gun. That connection prevented a theft (and worse); the would-be thief threw down Anna’s purse and ran. In that moment, she realized she could be who she wanted to be—a therapist. That moment put her on the path to her right life.

We also discussed that, at times, others will influence the story we tell about difficult times in our lives. Others may say to us, “You must be so sad all the time.” Your reality may be that you have moments of sadness and moments of peace and joy. We may succumb to the stories others tell us about our lives rather than sticking to our story: It’s tough AND I’m okay.

Anna encouraged us to let go of labels we have about our lives. Labels can be:

• This is the worst time of my life.
• I’m never going to get what I want out of life.
• I’ve had to stop my life because of caregiving.

Instead, Anna suggested we ask ourselves this question: If I believed that this life, my life, is the perfect situation for me, what would I do differently?

So, I’d love to love your answer to Anna’s question. Please feel free to share in our comments section, below.

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I thought you’d enjoy them, too. The life lessons I’ve learned from family caregivers follow:

1. Health Gives You a Fighting Chance, No Matter What Happens.
When you have health and fitness, you are in the best shape to manage what happens in your life. When you’re out of shape, it makes managing life’s tough times that much harder. And, good health often comes from good choices. Every day, we can make good choices about our health. Make good ones today.

2. Resolve. Now.
When you let problems go, the problems get bigger and bigger. And, the longer you let the problems go, the more bad habits you develop around the problems. Resolve issues with family members, help and service providers when the problems arise.

3. Denial is a Dangerous Diagnosis.
Denial steals your time. In denial, you live a life based on what was. Living in the past means you miss opportunities available today. (For more on denial, read Ugh! A Diagnosis. Now What?)

4. A Healthy Perspective Gets You to Tomorrow.
It’s hard to feel good about getting out of bed if you feel you have the worst life ever. If you can see that you are okay, that you will make it, then you can get out. Life is what happens between our ears: It’s what we tell ourselves about our circumstances, experiences and relationships.

5. Acceptance is a Gateway Experience.
Once we accept (a diagnosis, our limits, others’ limits), we can move forward to get help. Until we accept, we stay in pain and our past. Sometimes, we fight acceptance because we think it’s a failure. The crux is that without acceptance, we don’t have the help we need. Acceptance moves us forward. More important, acceptance moves us forward with help. (For more about acceptance, listen to our webinar, Surviving Caregiving: The Power of Acceptance.)

6. Rather Than Worry, Plan and Trust.
There’s so much to worry about. When we worry too much, we stay stuck. If we can move from worry to planning and trusting, we can take steps to manage those situations, circumstances and relationships which cause us to worry. (For more, listen to our recent talk show with Karol Ward here.)

7. Instincts are an Incredible Asset.
When we trust our instincts, we make good decisions. Our instincts often provide the best reason to make a decision or choice. Our instinct is intangible which means sometimes we dismiss it; we can’t see it or read it, how can it work? Instincts work. They are one of your best assets.

8. Forgiveness Gives a Good Night’s Sleep.
Resentment and anger will keep you up at night. Forgiving is about letting go so you can move on in peace. (You can learn more about forgiveness by listening to our talk show series on forgiveness. For more about letting go, listen to our webinar, Surviving Caregiving: Letting Go.)

9. The Best Way to Help Ourselves is to Help Others.
When you reach out to help someone else in pain, you step out of yours. You gain a perspective (see Number 4) that helps you see you aren’t the only one with bad luck. Helping others shows you that your tough times have purpose.

10. The Meaning of Life Lies in its Moments.
And, in life’s great moments, we share a deep connection (sometimes through words, sometimes through touch, sometimes through smiles, sometimes through tears) with the people we love. At times, the deep connection occurs with the strangers we meet along our way. We treasure these moments when we connect because they define our lives. The moments of connection are what life is all about.

What are you life lessons learned because of caregiving? Or because of your work with family caregivers? Please share in our comments section below.

Resources

• Buy our books: The Caregiving Years, Good Morning! and Take Comfort. You’ll have great companions to keep you company in the doctor’s office, during your dark moments and when you need a good friend.
• Hoping to find the meaning in your caregiving journey? Schedule a coaching session with me. Your first 30-minute session is free; after your first session, we can create a coaching package that works for you.
• Our next free webinar for family caregivers will take place on Wednesday, April 27, at 11 a.m CT (Noon ET, 9 a.m. ET). We’ll talk about planting seeds for your future. To attend the webinar, go here.

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