Anna shared a great example of what it’s like when we resist the reality of our today. It’s like how we may feel when we’ve gained weight, she said, and yet we don’t face the truth about our real weight.

When we accept our weight, then we accept our size, then we wear clothes that fit. That acceptance means we have a chance to be better because we accept who we are. And, when we accept, we can change. We can lose weight, incorporate exercise, make different food choices.

We all know what it feels like to be at a weight we don’t want. Because we don’t want our weight, we continue to wear clothes that don’t fit. We start each day in a battle with our closet because we can’t find anything to wear, simply because we refuse to own anything that actually fits. So, we squeeze into our past, feeling awkward and uncomfortable in our present, dreading what we face tomorrow.

It’s the same with caregiving. The experience gets harder and more intense. It’s important to adjust the amount of help, support and time off you receive as the experience grows bigger. If you still have the amount of help you needed when the experience was smaller, then you’ll be stuck in a place of exhaustion, resentment and anxiety. You’re not wearing the caregiving size that fits.

To make sure you stay right-sized in caregiving, Anna suggests picking a day each month to check in. You can ask yourself a question like, “What can I change or adjust or modify so that caregiving fits better today?”

As you accept today’s reality, be compassionate and gentle with yourself. Accepting with compassion means giving yourself the chance to feel good wearing the size that fits.

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Many of you know that last summer I was so fed up with New Home and Robert’s inadequate care, my family and I decided to convert our garage so Robert could live with us.

It seemed like such a simple idea . . .

Hubby and I discussed converting the garage without a permit but since we were installing a new bathroom with a shower and not just constructing walls and plopping a bed in the garage, it seemed prudent to obtain the permit. That was my first mistake!

Hubby went to the permit counter of our little city and was told unless we could provide two covered parking spaces on the side of our house, garage conversions were not allowed. “Even though it will be for my disabled brother-in-law?” Hubby asked. “Yep,” was the reply.

After much research and me showing the permit department their own “Reasonable Accommodation” code, they relented. We had to jump through quite a few hoops and agree to follow every building code in order to receive a building permit. We also had to agree to convert the garage back to the original state if Robert moved out or we sold the house (yes, that means removing the shower & toilet & windows & walls) but we agreed. After two months, we got our planning permit.

It took two months because we were the first people in our city to ask for such a thing so the agreement had to be created from scratch and attorneys had to be consulted but, if nothing else, at least the city now knows they have a Reasonable Accommodation code they have to follow and they won’t turn away others seeking to provide housing for their disabled relative.

Next up: Building permit.

Our “simple” project became quite complicated in a very short amount of time. The wall we originally planned to install windows in (as well as the a/c unit) was a structural wall. Apparently, with a two story house, you just can’t cut holes into any old wall that may be holding up the second story (good thing I’m not in construction).

We had to track down original building drawings or spend thousands to have an architectural engineer do load calculations on the wall (which meant measuring the entire house – no small expense).

The original building drawings were not available. Our city wasn’t a city when our house was built so they didn’t have our plans. The county didn’t have them either because they no longer have plans for us since we’re now in an incorporated city (can you say “run around.”) We could go to the original builder to try to find them but most likely they wouldn’t have them since our house was built 15 years ago.

Our contractor thought it would be simpler to remove the garage and install windows and a door instead of worrying about the structural wall. We met with the city about their exiting and light requirements which, in order to meet these, meant large windows and a large door in place of the garage door. (Remember, this all has to be removed if Robert ever moves out in keeping with our planning permit agreement). I didn’t like the appearance of it and all these windows were increasing the cost but knew it was the only option.

Our water heater which sits quietly in our garage suddenly becomes a health hazard sitting in a bedroom. We would have to either enclose it (with a steel door) or buy a new one and install it outside. The a/c unit would have caused its own problems but we have friends who were giving us a deal.

With the rising cost of this project, permit fees are rising as well.

Hubby’s brothers are both handy so they were going to help with the construction which would save some money. As an added bonus, one of hubby’s brothers is an electrician who could help do any electrical work.

How fantastic is that? Wonderful, except when you have to comply with the electrical requirements in order to get this building permit. We need arc-fault something or other for all the electrical outlets in the new room which means adding space to the electrical panel for the house. We need to add the a/c unit to the panel, too.

We quickly learned we have a very small panel with no room to add anything.

We got quotes on a brand new electrical panel. Brother-in-law referred us to someone who could help since he usually works commercial and we needed a residential expert. After reviewing the electrical panel, the electric company “box” which feeds the box was nowhere to be found.

SMUD came out to trace where the box is and found it buried under cement. It’s a long story but it’s been buried since we moved in.

We have to break up concrete in our driveway to get to the electrical box to upgrade the wires in order to upgrade the electrical panel in order to provide a/c and arc fault whatevers for the “simple” garage conversion!

The cost of this project has tripled before construction begins. I am not naïve enough to think the cost would not increase even more once we actually started construction.

I hate to admit defeat but the electrical panel problem pushed me over the edge.

At this point, our best bet is to hope the housing market rebounds a little so we can sell our house and buy a one story with an extra bedroom. Then, we can move Robert in with us.

In the meantime, he stays with us on the weekends and sleeps in the nice sofa sleeper we have for him and I watch New Home like a hawk so Robert gets quality care the rest of the week.

Our conversation today centered on trusting our life, which can seem utterly impossible when life seems too difficult or unfair. Holly shared that her life is better when she trusts, when she surrenders. When life seems tough to her, she’ll ask herself, “Am I resisting ‘What is?’” If she is, she moves to another question: “What is my life about?” She then focuses on being grateful and simplifying.

On previous shows, Holly shared her rock bottom moment, when she wanted to walk out her of life. Surrendering and trusting kept her in life. When she looks back at her darkest days in caregiving, she realizes she was wishing her life away. Now. she realizes the situations in her life are meant for her to experience.

Our show went long today so we could spend a few moments talking about the holidays. Holly shared a change in a holiday tradition this year, how she’s going to manage the disgruntled reaction to the change from her adult children and how she welcomes new members to the family (her son’s girlfriend will spend the holidays).

I hope you enjoy today’s show. And, I’d love to know: How do you trust your life?

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Call (646) 652-4944 to share during our live show. Or, join our show’s chat room to post your insight. If you’re on Twitter, you can tweet during the show using this hashtag: #caretalk. And, to thank you for calling in the during the show to share, we’ll give our first two callers a Caregiving.com gym bag. Join us here.

Can’t join us tonight? Feel free to share your insights in our comments section, below. Let us know what feels scary and how you can overcome the fears.

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Dictionary.com define responsible as “answerable or accountable, as for something within one’s power, control, or management.” The key component of this definition, Anna said, is the second part: It’s within your power, control or management.

And, that can be so hard in caregiving. You can may find yourself holding on to too much responsibility—otherwise it seems all will spin out-of-control.

Anna suggested that the presence of an overwhelming feeling of stress can be a signal that you hold yourself responsible for too much. What if you were to let go, Anna said, of what you can’t control?

I hope you enjoy our conversation. And, as always, feel free to add your thoughts and insights in our comments section, below.

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Call (646) 652-4944 to share during our live show. Or, join our show’s chat room to post your insight. If you’re on Twitter, you can tweet during the show using this hashtag: #caretalk. And, to thank you for calling in the during the show to share, we’ll give you either a Caregiving.com t-shirt or tote bag. Join us here.

Can’t join us tonight? Feel free to share your insights in our comments section, below. Let us know how it feels to be burn-out and what you did to feel better.

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Some days, you wish you had three hands. Other days, you just wish someone would pitch in with their hands. And, other days, you hope caregiving is not something you ever have to hand to another.

And, then you have those really tough days, when the hands of time either move too slow or too fast.

When hands are too few or too slow or too fast, give yourself a hand. Know you that you are enough. Understand that you do enough. Rest in comfort that your life’s speed finds you right on time.

Hand it to yourself. Because you’ve had a hand in all the blessings of your life. Look around—your blessings and opportunities are all within your hand’s reach.

Updates

• Be sure to visit our Caregiving Art Show!

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“Does anyone feel like there spirit has been broken being a caregiver?,” she wrote. “I am doing what I need to do but I feel like my spirit is broken.”

Caregiving can get the best of you in a day, when a phone call brings more bad news or a dementia behavior demands one more ounce of patience than you have.

But, it’s awful when it bests you in spirit. When you feel like somehow your life is moving too fast away from your finger tips. Or, when you feel that you can’t look good simply because you don’t feel good any more. Or, when you drive to the grocery story every day because your car is the only place you can cry.

And, it’s really awful when you don’t feel you have anyone in your life who can understand how it feels to lose your spirit.

So, tell us. Please share in our comments section how and when you feel caregiving takes your spirit. And, more importantly, if you found the spirit you lost, please share that, too.

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First, I’d like to thank everyone for the prayers and good wishes; this morning we actually moved some glass block into the bathroom and set up enough rows to be able to measure the total shower wall height. This means we can establish the matching height of the linen closet since they need to be the same height, and it was one activity that had seemed beyond Paul’s ability to even consider doing until today.

Yesterday we worked together to prune the raspberry bushes to set them up for next year which I did not know how to do. He’s been setting up files for what he wants performed at his memorial service (musicians are like that, I know) and making sure all his accounts are connected to mine and the proper beneficiaries are in place on documents. Life is becoming surreal.

Last Friday night I received an email from my sister that was unbelievably petty and cruel, wherein she detailed how unavailable I am to her and how I obviously don’t want a relationship with her. Mind you, I am 59, she is turning 63 next week. We live on opposite sides of the country and have never been close but she seems to think I owe her “x” number of hours per month on the phone. This upsetting diatribe cost me a night’s sleep and a day and a half of writing and re-writing my response, but now I’ve said my peace. Stay tuned for the update on that one – if there is one!

About an hour ago Paul went into a full-blown panic attack. This was a pretty stunning development; he wanted to make cocoa, we didn’t have enough milk and he just totally “lost it.” I explained it really wasn’t a big deal for me to go get milk at 10:15 pm and happily went to get it – he’d calmed down by the time I got back. As the effects of  radiation are healing he is also noticing how weak he is and how changed he is; over the past week it was so good for me to be able to talk with his mom and sister about that. They asked me what was the hardest thing for me and without hesitation I answered that it’s awful for me to clearly see him losing ground every day but no one else acknowledges it. I wonder if they aren’t seeing the same changes I am or if I’m really not seeing what I think I’m seeing.  Surreal indeed.

So the cocoa is done and he’s sitting in the living room to drink it. It’s raining (this never helps either of our moods) and late and we’re both tired but he’s not ready to sleep. Tomorrow we have a meeting with the other oncologist who wants to start him on chemo. He has said from day one that he doesn’t want to do that, but since everything I’ve ever thought I knew seems to be open to questions and changes who knows what he’ll decide tomorrow.

I’ll end this post as I began it; today I have no idea who I am or what I’m doing in pretty much any regard.

Image via Wikipedia

Heather begins her day the same way: Up at 5:30 a.m., shower, four bites of a granola bar, hair in a headband. Then, she dons the gloves, carefully and steadfastly placing each finger into the latex glove. She’s ready for the part of the day she dreads.

She wakes her mom and begins the morning care. Her mom has intensive and extensive care needs, so morning care can take as long as 60 minutes. She guides and cues her mom as she turns, lifts, adjusts, wipes and dries.

Her mom used to try to use the 60 minutes together for pleasant conversation. Heather just ignored her pleasantries. This is serious business, Heather thinks to herself. And, I hate it.

So, although Heather’s feet hit the floor at 5:30, her day really starts at 5, when her pounding heart wakes her. No need for an alarm clock, the anxiety she feels about providing her mom’s personal care opens her eyes every morning.

Until one morning, when the anxiety, sweating palms and upset stomach seems to win. Which makes Heather feel like she’s lost. And, feeling like she’s on the losing end of the battle leads to an important insight for Heather: Hating this one hour of my day is ruining my life, she thinks. And, it’s making a nursing home seem more and more like the only option.

Deciding something’s gotta change, Heather begins the morning care with a conversation. “Mom, I’m struggling here,” Heather says. “How do you think our morning care routine is working?”

“I hate it!,” her mother responds. “It’s not what we do but how we do it. You look like you’re mad at the world for the whole hour. Couldn’t we lighten up a bit?”

So, they do. Heather gives herself  more quiet time when she wakes, realizing she pushed morning care to a way-too-early start just to get it over with. A later start gives her more time for a bowl of cereal rather than a few bites of a granola bar. It also gives her time for quick walk with her dog.

Now, when morning care begins, Heather feels full—from a good breakfast, fresh air and a new perspective. “I’m grateful for the time I have with Mom,” she says before morning care begins. And, now during care, she and her mom watch the Today show, chatting about the news and comparing notes on stories. Personal care can now take longer, but Heather doesn’t notice. It’s becoming a favorite part of her day.

Caregiving is serious business. But, its serious nature can lead you to hate it and all that it entails. And, most likely it’s already awful, so why add a bad attitude?

The cure for what you hate could be levity and humor. Finding humor and fun could turn what you hate into what you at least can tolerate.

So, I wonder: What do you take too seriously? And, how can you lighten up? Share your thoughts and ideas in our comments section, below. One of our commenters will receive an autographed copy of my book, “Good Morning! Sunny Reflections to Start Your Day.”

Resources

• We’re taking submissions for our Caregiving Art Show and our Help book! Be sure to share your art and your story with the world.
• Our 2011 Family Caregiver Survey report offers a snapshot into the day and life of a family caregiver. Purchase the report for just $9.95 here. (Did you complete the survey? You get the report for free; email Denise to request.)
• Sign up for one of our three-week caregiving classes, including Three-Word Journaling. The classes take place conveniently over the phone and help you feel better exactly where you are. Register here.
• The August Board Report (my report to you about our August events and happenings) took place on Thursday. It’s a 15-minute webinar which you can view here.

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