Tell Us: When Does Too Much Feels Like There’s Not Enough?

In Chicago, once we clear away our snow, we bring out our lawn chairs, ironing boards and toys. We clear snow out of parking spaces and, because we don’t want to lose a cleared space, we hold a space with whatever we can find. My street is littered, literally, with old furniture, paint buckets and empty boxes weighed down with snow. We also worry that, because of all the snow, we won’t be able to find a...

When Your Caree Is Just Mean, What Do You Do?

Over the past two days, two visitors have asked for our help. Here’s what they said: 1. “What if your recipient does not have Alzheimers?? What if Grama is just spoiled and mean and spiteful to you and other family members. How do we handle this? She is 92. Sharp as a tack..Has all her marbles. She has been spoiled all her life. Was spoiled by our grandfather. Never worked a day in her life. Had a...

Tell Us: Who (or What) Steals Your Joy?

In August, Join was our action word for our Caregiving Happiness Project. I moved to my neighborhood in March of last year (2010) and wanted a way to connect with others, a way to feel a part of where I lived. So, the idea of joining something was very attractive to me. I decided to look at churches. After some church-shopping, I settled on a church with a simple decor and a bit of an open mind. Soon after joining,...

We’re All Doing Our Best

Today, on Table Talk, Harriet Di Cerbo joined me to talk about the idea that everyone is doing their best. This can be a hard premise to swallow when you’re the only one who’s taken on caregiving responsibilities in your family. How in the world can other family members really be doing their best? You can listen to our show via the player at the bottom of the post. I began our discussion by sharing...

What’s It all Mean?

This morning, Anna Stookey joined me on Your Caregiving Journey for a fascinating discussion on finding meaning during life’s tough times. I think you’ll find this show really insightful. You can listen via the player below. During our discussion, Anna suggested we look for our answers to these questions: What frames my life? What’s my life purpose? When we look to find these answers, we...

Dear Denise: She Calls, I Blow Up. What Do I Do?

Dear Denise, I am having so much trouble dealing with my mom’s cancer and dementia. I just cannot keep my cool. She makes things up and tells me the nurses and doctors told her then I have to follow up and find out she got it all wrong. I get so stressed out. She calls and blows my whole day for me and I cannot get over it. Hi, You’re in a stressful situation, trying to do your best when it can be hard...

We Are Not Alone

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one’.” -C.S. Lewis

Get Rid of the Bad Hands

I was watching the The Millionaire Matchmaker the other night. (I watch bad TV.) In this particular episode, the matchmaker worked with a poker player (a woman) looking for love. We followed the poker player on a date with a nice man, who asked her: What’s the trick to being a successful poker player? Quickly get rid of a bad hand,  she said. Bingo, I thought. That’s not just a poker player’s...

The Power of Requesting Right

This afternoon on Your Caregiving Journey, Beth Ruske, a managing partner at Tiara Coaching, joined us to help us make clearer and more powerful requests for help. You can listen to our show via the player at the bottom of the post. Beth shared the four reasons that stop women from asking for help: 1. The biggest obstacle is the fear of rejection, of hearing “no.” If a man receives a “no” to his request, he...

Knowing, So You Know What To Do

Caring.com released interesting stats today from research it recently completed with 1,100 family caregivers of persons with Alzheimer’s disease. The most interesting to me: About half of the surveyed family caregivers don’t know or aren’t sure which stage of Alzheimer’s disease their caree is in. Oh, my! Knowing is a good part of the battle. Knowing makes it easier to find acceptance, solutions...

What Would Your Flash Card Read?

I just heard about one of the most interesting products I’ve seen in a long time. Trying to find the right words to tell your partner that you fear the fighting? Well, just grab a flash card from the packet of flash cards you’ve just bought called “Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love.” Developed by a psychotherapist, “Talk to Me…”, as its website says, “is a...

Everyday is Today and the World is One that You’ve Made

I read with interest a recent blog post here discussing gerotranscendence vs cognitive decline. I confess I had to read it a several times, look up the meaning of gerotranscendence and I’ve given up on ever being able to pronounce that “G” word. But I think I understand and I can definitely appreciate what was said. For my parents there are no longer seasons of the year, days of the weeks or hours of the...

Ask the Nurse

Yesterday, on Your Caregiving Journey, Nancy Hanley of My Health Care Manager, took your questions. (You can listen to our show via the player below). The questions she answered included: 1. I’ve been through so many home health aides! I need to find good help for my mom so I can go to work. I’ve had lazy aides, incompetent aides and aides with an attitude. Is it possible to find good help? 2. I want to...

Tell Us: What Advice Drives You Nuts?

Several months ago, I was looked at a very tall To Do list that had to be completed within a very short time period. I was going over my list with a few colleagues, who I had asked to help me make sure I had a plan in place to complete what needed to be done. And, for me, my To Do list needed to be completed. After walking through my list and my goals, my well-meaning colleagues said: When are you taking care of...

Spending the Days

I recently saw this quote: How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. ~ Annie Dillard Oh, geez, I thought. Really? My immediate thought: I spend my days doing things I don’t want to do so someday I can do what I want. Is this really my life? And, then, I really started thinking about how I spend my days. Oh, boy. It seems I spend my days in too much anger about situations I can’t change; in...

Tell Us: When Do You Wish for a Pink Slip?

You plow through the days, doing your best to stay positive, strong, smiling. But, some days, well, you just find yourself wishing for a pink slip. If only you could just walk away from your caregiving role, you think, life would be so much better. And, worse, the wish to walk weighs heavily on your heart. You feel like the worst person in the world. But, every family caregiver, at least once, has hoped to be let...

The 6 Myths of Caregiving

It’s full of surprises, this caregiving ride. We’ve created a list of six biggest drops (myths) on the caregiving roller coaster. 1. The government has programs, like Medicare, that will off-set the costs of care. Sure, Medicare exists but its benefits for long-term care pay only in the short-term. And, Medicaid helps those whose low-income qualifies them for help. Care falls to the family (and...

Ask Denise: Why Wouldn’t She Just Tell Me?

Dear Denise, First of all, thank you for your blog. I have found it very enlightening and uplifting during this hard time. My father was recently placed in the local VA Home – without my knowledge.  I live in the same town as my parents, who have been married for 50 years. My mother came to me and my husband to inform me that she had put my dad in the home.  I completely understand her motive, but I wish she...

Sometimes, We Can’t Move the Clouds But We Can Shift the Sun

About five years ago, I felt I lived under dark clouds. I had little money, so lived off cooked pasta flavored by Miracle Whip. Or, Doritos covered with melted shredded cheddar cheese. My mom gave me toilet paper. (You can read more what led to my dark days here.) I did all I could to run from under the clouds, including taping affirmations on my apartment’s walls. I created affirmations opposite of my...

Yesterday

Do you live in the mistakes of yesterday? It’s okay that something went wrong yesterday or last week or last year or last decade. We are imperfect beings, meant to live imperfect lives. Mistakes of yesterday only become problems when they cloud our opportunities of today. Don’t let yesterday’s mistakes rob you of today’s blessings. Let go of yesterday. Live today.

Five Steps to a New Reflection

Image by cmefish via Flickr When I’m in a good mood, it’s amazing how many others feel as grateful and happy as me. When I’m in foul mood, it’s disturbing how many feel as crappy and mean as me. All these crabby and mean people have it in for me, too. I just know it. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Consider your caregiving relationship. Your care recipient takes a loooooooong...

It’s Never Enough

Dear Denise, I care for my mam; she has been a caregiver since her teens and has continued to care for the elderly, whilst bringing up six children. This means that she never acknowledges the fact that she needs help, always insisting she’ll be alright and doesn’t want to burden anyone, so much so that I’ve found out that she has lost most of her site, which was why she hasn’t been making...