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You want help. You’ve been waiting for your siblings, your kids, your in-laws, your friends, anyone! to offer their help.

Unfortunately, you’ll wait forever if you’re waiting for others to offer help.

So, how do you ask?

Tell family and friends specifically how they can help. Often, other family members want to help, but just don’t understand how. Some ideas:

–Ask your brother to call your mother on a regular basis (but let him tell you what he can commit to. If it’s only every-other-week for 15 minutes, then that’s okay. Accepting his limitations will avoid disappointment–for your mother and for you.)

–Ask your daughter to help out with grocery shopping every week. Let her know you’ll e-mail her a list of groceries that your and your husband need.

–Ask your cousin to send your aunt a letter every week; explain to her how much your aunt looks forward to hearing from her.

–Ask your sister to provide respite care two days a month—her choice of days. If she feels uncomfortable providing the care herself, then let her know that an agency can provide the service—and tell her how much the service costs. Let her pay for the service and let the agency know that she is financially responsible. Then, let her know how much it means to you that you know she support you.

–Ask your son to research community options. Tell him you are looking for help to offset the costs of medications, provide transportation to the doctor and manage the insurance bills. Then, let him do the leg work for you.

–Ask your brother-in-law to spring for the cost of a monthly cleaning service. If you can keep your house in order, you may feel better about being in the house.

And, once you ask for help, be sure to receive, in whatever form it is delivered to you. Meaning, if someone completes a task or chore for you, and it’s not the way you would have done it—but it’s still done—let then it go. And, enjoy the time you have gained for yourself. That’s the most important benefit of having others help you.

What’s work for you? We’d love to know the words you use to ask for help.

1. Call the caregiver on a regular basis to find out how he or she is doing. Listen with an open heart–and a non-judgmental ear. You don’t have to solve the problems–just listening is the best help you can offer.

2. Volunteer to stay with the care recipient one evening or afternoon a week, every other week, or every month–whatever you can offer. Encourage the caregiver to enjoy the break–and not worry about you or the care recipient.

3. Send a note expressing your love and admiration for the family caregiver.

4. Encourage the family caregiver to keep up their own interests and hobbies–and help them find the time needed to do so. Often, family caregivers feel that they’ve lost themselves, that their own personalities somehow got “fuzzy” or out-of-focus. Ensuring a family caregiver has the time and support to pursue their own interests fights off the “fuzzies”.

5. Lessen the caregiver’s load by running errands when you can. Offer to pick up groceries, medications, whatever the caregiver needs.

6. Call the caregiver and say, “Don’t worry about dinner. I’ll bring it over at 5:30.” It doesn’t have to be fancy. It just has to be from you.

7. Be a library runner. Ask the caregiver what books/videos he or she would like from the library. A good book or great movie can be a refreshing break for a caregiver.

8. Offer to make phone calls on behalf of the family caregiver to learn about community services that can help.

9. Stop for a visit–with the family caregiver and the care recipient

10. Share a hug! Caregivers give so much of themselves–they need regular “hug replacements”.