Words Optional

Wednesday was another visit with my parents. Mom continued with her inquisition, focusing again on my deceased wife intermixed with adament statements about how she was not my mother. We vacillated between being siblings and being distant relatives. I tried a new track and asked them both what they wanted for Christmas. Dad didn’t answer. He barely lifted his head. Mom paused for only a second before...

The Journey Continues….

Home safe and sound and I can happily report that my garmet bag was right where I left it, in my bedroom, fully packed. I may have left my luggage at home but I have now have a nice new suit, dress shirt, dress shoes, socks, tie, tie clip and several casual articles of clothing. An important lesson learned, when you type the words “mall” “men’s clothing” and “chicago”...

Snippets from a 90th Birthday…

Me: Mom it’s Dad’s birthday today, he’s 90 years old. Mom: He’d too old to go anywhere, he better just stay here. Me: Mom it’s Dad’s birthday today, he’s 90 years old. Mom: After today we’ll have another Birthday for him next week. Me: I think turning 90 once is good enough. You’re going to wear Dad out. Me: Mom it’s Dad’s birthday today, he’s...

Standing Tall After the Storm

My family and I fared fine in the “Storm of the Century” and I’ve been reminded of the importance of knowing which way is “down wind” when walking your dog during a hurricane. Broken limbs and fallen branches have created a mess in our yard. When my kids asked who was going to clean this up I countered with the question who’s yard was it?  We spent a long day yesterday raking and cleaning creating...

Storm of the Century

Last year I posted my first blog here on Caregiving.com, titled “Never Thought of This One“.  You guys graciously welcomed my ramblings.  My subject then was the many considerations involved in placing loved ones into a facility including, I discovered suddenly last year, destructive weather considerations. Fast forward almost exactly one year and once again I find myself considering what to do...

The Other Side

While visiting with my parents today a staff member let me know that another resident had just died that morning.  I could instantly tell it was hitting all of the staff hard.  They were doing their best to go about their duties and keep things as normal as possible for the balance of the residents but they were hurting.  It made me think of all of the people who assist us Caregivers:  hospice workers, aides,...

The Dream

I can’t keep my hands off of Mom and Dad. Seems like every visit I put my hands (or a chin… don’t ask) on their heads. Yesterday I tugged at Pop’s chin and told him it was about time for a shave. Mom is from the generation when women wore hats in public so every visit I play with whatever she happens to have on her head at the time. We also play footsie, rub knees, tug at each others arms...

Where Have You Been?

“There he is!” That’s how Mom greeted me the other day. I was relieved. Although it had only been a few days since I had last been there. Still I half expected her to shout out, “Where have you been?” Since I haven’t blogged here since early July you would be excused if you said the same thing. In my defense it has been a busy summer: music camp which involved driving 1,300 miles...

Caregiver I

My family has a bit of identity crisis when it comes to me. For years, even before my wife’s death, my kids referred to me as MaPa. In the absence of my wife I took on the duties of Mommy and Papa and in their mind was often indistinguishable. This week my Mom began piling on to my confusion. Our visits this summer have settled into a predictable routine: I quietly walk up behind Mom and Dad, who are briefly...

What Color is Your Plate?

An interesting article that I came across. What Color is Your Plate by Max Wallack http://www.alzheimersreadingroom.com/2010/08/what-color-is-your-plate.html some highlights: “Forty percent of Alzheimer’s patients don’t eat enough…” “…vision plays a role in Alzhemer’s patients reluctance to eat. This phenomena is explained by Boston University bio-psychologist Alice...

The Eight Maxims

I read this a couple of months ago at Caring.com and jotted it down. I find myself frequently coming back to it and after doing so again tonight, thought I share how I’ve applied it. (link below) 8 Maxims of Strength and Comfort for Alzheimer’s Caregivers by Duke University social worker Lisa Gwyther. Focus on what’s left, not what’s lost. – My parents are still here.  When they...

Moving Them In (Part 2)

I’ve told the beginning of the story (You Need to Get Your Parents Right Now) and I’ve told of some of the adjustments and aftermath (Moving Them In) but there is a middle part still untold.  In many ways it is the hardest part. My parents do not accept their current living facility as their home. Every day they dress and pack and await my return so that I can “drive them home”. Each visit I will check my...

Moving Them In

I sympathize so much with many here who are at or soon will be at the point of moving their loved one to a full time facility. The pain of committing this ”act of love” is more than incredibly. Feelings of failure, abandonment, betrayal…I shared them all. The act is seemingly done always as a last resort, our backs to the proverbial wall, and under the worse of conditions. I can’t help...

Center of Attention

Today as I entered my parents’ living facility the staff began calling out my dad’s name: “John, you’ve got a visitor! John, you’ve got company! Someone’s here to see you John!”… on and on they went, a half dozen people simultaneously calling out my father’s name and cheering him on. It is the middle of lunch but everything comes to halt and all eyes, staff and...

Snippets of Holiday

There were several conversations which I will long remember from this year. Daughter: “…after I move out will you and my brother invite me back for Thanksgiving?” Me: “you will always have a place at home…just warn me first so I can be here too.” Dad: “when did Jo get killed?” Me: “Dad I’m not dead, I’m right here!” Dad (still not recognizing me): “…when did Jo get killed?” Me:...

A Weekend to Remember

On Saturday while visiting my parents at their living facility I got a first hand view of the load carried by the staff. Since Dad was tired I hooked my arm in Mom’s and together we strolled around the facility. Mom still likes to strut her stuff. In a far hallway I was treated to the sight and sound of a resident complaining about a pending shower only complaining is far too polite for what she was doing. She...

You Need to Get Your Parents Right Now!

With those words this past February my role in caring for my parents jumped from casual, distant supporter to hands-on, full responsibility. It also marked the entry of my parents into a full-time living facility. It’s not that we never talked about it. Mom and Dad had been mentally declining for years. Based on what I know now I’m sure they had early onset Alzheimer’s. While they were still living in their...

September Smiles

I’ve started and stopped half a dozen updates this month, usually stopping because I had to rush off somewhere or as often as not because I fell asleep. The month is ending well but after weeks of averaging 4-5 hours of sleep and working 10 hour days plus parenting and caregiving, I can’t say that I’m sorry to see September go. Dad turned 89 this month. What do you give a man for his birthday who...

Everyday is Today and the World is One that You’ve Made

I read with interest a recent blog post here discussing gerotranscendence vs cognitive decline. I confess I had to read it a several times, look up the meaning of gerotranscendence and I’ve given up on ever being able to pronounce that “G” word. But I think I understand and I can definitely appreciate what was said. For my parents there are no longer seasons of the year, days of the weeks or hours of the...

Never Thought of This One

(Editor’s Note: Today, we welcome Jo to our blogging family. Jo is a widower, single parent to two teenagers and caregiver for both his mother and father both of whom are in their 80’s and have dementia. You can read more about Jo, as well as all the bloggers, here.) When assessing a facility for my parents I reviewed many things. Among them: quality, training and quantity of staff; state inspections;...

Ask Denise: Should Mom Come Home to My Home?

Dear Denise, I’m not really sure how to work myself around the site yet. However, I wanted to tell you my story and ask for some advice. My mother that had a massive stroke last year. It left her paralyzed on her dominant side and considerable amount of brain damage. She also shows signs of Alzheimer’s. She is currently in a nursing home and very, very depressed. I want to bring her home to take care of...

Ask Denise: How Do I Walk Away Without the Guilt?

(Editor’s Note: On Sunday, Terri, one of our website visitors, shared a worry in the comment section of our article about leaving and leaving behind the guilt. With Terri’s permission, we include her question and my suggestions in today’s Ask Denise column.) Dear Denise, I have taken care of my mom and dad for the past almost 10 years (my dad died 1 year ago) and now I must relinquish that...