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Weekly Caregiver Tip

(January 15, 2001)

Letting yourself off the hook:
Accept what the relationship for what it is

Sometimes caregiving can impact our relationships with our care recipients in an mazingly powerful and positive way. We become closer to our care recipients that ever--and we find an appreciation and love we never experienced before.

  And, sometimes we don't.

  Keep your expectations of caregiving and your care recipient in perspective. It's onderful to hear the stories in your support group about how grateful and thankful care recipients are to their caregivers. But, if your care recipient isn't thankful and isn't pleasant--and, frankly, never was--leave it at that. Expecting a "thank you" from someone you care for who never managed those words in health is like banging your head against the wall. You'll find yourself angry and resentful, and ultimately, hurting only yourself.

  Instead, focus on the expectations you have of your behavior. What behavior do you feel is acceptable when your care recipient tries to lay a guilt trip on you? How would you like to react to your care recipient when she starts to manipulate you? Determine your own expectations of yourself--and concentrate on your own behavior. Trying to change someone is a unhealthy and frustrating experience. Instead, work on changing your reactions, your behavior and your feelings so you feel good about yourself. You'll be amazed at how strong an amour that can be against your care recipient's hurtful and thoughtless words.


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