I'm struggling with acceptance.
My mom, who was a child of an alcoholic parent, has never been in touch with any deep feelings. She has learned to cope in life by repression and denial. In some ways, I am envious of that because I'm a very emotional person who is very connected to my feelings and THAT can be very painful at times.
However, I am also able to laugh loudly and feel amazing joy. I spend every day trying to make my mom happy. For Christmas, I bought her a very expensive puppy and today I bought a lift chair with massage and heat. Also, very expensive.
Money is tight for me now because I took an early retirement on a very small pension so I could care for her. The thing is, I have spent a lot of my life trying to make her happy and I need to ACCEPT it ain't gonna happen!! I think at some level, if I could create joy in her it would lessen my guilt of not being the perfect daughter.
I really miss having someone to laugh with (other than the dogs). Laughter keeps me sane.
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