And While We Deal, Life Continues On

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And While We Deal, Life Continues On

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Life doesn't stop when we are in the caregiving loop. It just keeps going on around us and if we're lucky (well, maybe that's questionable) we can stay part of it and not miss out on the sweet moments...

For my husband, his issues just seem to pull everyone down. His nervousness about his upcoming procedure, his continuing pain and negative attitude all come together to make one pretty nasty and obnoxious person most days. He is also a non-compliant patient in many aspects -- which is another bone of contention -- but I make my comment and then lay off it. For instance, because of the neuropathy in his feet from the diabetes, he's not supposed to walk barefoot which he does ALL the time. I only make comment when he decides to go outside barefoot or when he stubs a toe or something else. This past week, it was working up at the church. There was a stuffed cabbage sale and he basically runs the kitchen. After the first procedure, he's not supposed to bend, lift, all that good stuff. Did he listen with this sale? I doubt it and he paid for it in pain and exhaustion after three days working. All I could tell him was, "There's a reason you're disabled."

Then we have the older daughter, who's "recovery" from acute anxiety/panic issues has been ongoing. While she does get out to her appointments and occasionally a run to the store, she spends much of her day in her room, playing games on her tablet or sleeping. While I know some of it is avoidance of her father's attitude issues, it is extremely frustrating that she won't do a thing around the house without being asked and even then, it's not a guarantee that it will get done. For example, I'll get home from work to find a sink still full of dishes with a completely empty dishwasher next to it or companion animal messes not cleaned up. Even when I speak with her about taking more charge of her life -- and getting something done each day -- sometimes it's just like talking to a brick wall.

And then we have life blooming and moving on and I don't want to miss a minute of it but sometimes find my mood is colored by him or her and I can't be completely happy.

For instance, our oldest son has found what appears to be the love of his life. She is a wonderful young woman and they are absolutely sweet together. I couldn't be happier for him or them! She is from overseas and must go back later this year. He will travel with her and bring some of her things home with him as she is planning to make our country her country.

And the same seems to be ringing true for our youngest daughter. It seems she too has found what appears to be the love of her life. He is a gentle young man, loving father to his children (who all adore her) and he is wonderful to and for her. They are planning to move in together in a few months and they have been talking marriage. I've yet to meet his children but she has shared lots of pictures of them with me (they are young, all under 4 years). I'm making bunnies for each of them for Easter although Ash will give them to the children.

But while I am intrinsically happy for the four of them, I also feel a bit like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm still part "old-school" in that as parent, when they each decide to marry, I should be able to provide them with some kind of a wedding. (Our oldest's girlfriend's parents have both passed on so there is no one to take the role of giving a wedding. That's why I figure both of them). With our current situation -- and my husband only seeming to get worse both physically and mentally -- I don't even know what kind of wedding I could throw. For the oldest, it's probably not as intense but for the daughter, I feel that burden and wonder what I can do. So my happiness for them both, is overshadowed by "how can I do this?" I know this is something I will need to speak with each of our children about but I can't do that until they take that next step.

And our middle one struggles in a job that she no longer likes, and yearns for the day she can open her own shop with her jellies, jams and baked goods. And our younger son gets by with three jobs and when not working or doing shows (he's in a band) is also locked in his room either playing video games or watching movies. I worry for them and want only the best.

I can't focus on any one thing except maybe me and trying to keep my sanity (what little I have left). I'm trying to focus but seem to be burrowing myself in my knitting and crochet right now. I have at least six projects going right now (a circular knitted lace shawl, an heirloom Celtic baby blanket, fingerless gloves, and those bunnies) and keep pushing myself to do more and better because at least that's something I can control in some way.

Do I want to say "Stop the world, I want to get off"? Oh hell no! I want to be on the greatest ride ever and have a blast! I'll get through! Can't wait to see the good coming.

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Denise

I'm so sorry I'm so slow to comment. I got a bit behind this week.\r\n\r\nYou are such a wonderful intuitive perspective about the needs of your family and your household. I love how you cheer for their successes and understand their pain.\r\n\r\nHow is everyone doing this weekend? How are your projects?\r\n\r\nI love reading about your family and how everyone is doing. I keep good thoughts for each and that each finds and keeps all of life's blessings.