Another Loss Brings Grief to the Surface

Amy

Another Loss Brings Grief to the Surface

Amy
(Editor's Note: We welcome Amy, who cared for her parents, to our blogging team today. You can connect with her on her profile page: @amadge.)

IMG_7882On July 7, 2015, I received word that a friend of mine passed away. She was only 61 years old. She was someone I looked up to and admired in my twenties into my thirties. Patricia was the picture of health, she took care of herself, ate right and exercised and was just one of those people you could not help but be drawn too. She helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. She and her husband moved in the summer of 2005. I was heart broken but happy that she and Michael were off to start a new and exciting life chapter. Their boys were grown and off on their own, and it was now Patricia and Michael's time.

They moved in June of 2005. My brother passed in the fall of 2005 and my mom in 2009, though she was far away she still was there for me. Dad passed in 2012 and not long after that I sold my family home and moved to Maine. Sadly Patricia and I lost touch. Yes, there were the birthday and holiday cards, but time just seemed to pass on too quickly.

While going through some old photos I came across some of me, Patricia and Michael. Something inside of me (I believe it was Patricia) said, Pick up the phone and call them. I called and Michael answered. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "Not too well" and when I asked he told me Patricia had died. I went numb, I could not believe it. I had to have Michael repeat it again. No, not Patricia. She was still young and healthy. Can't be true. I can honestly say I don't remember much of our conversation after that. I hung up the phone and just sat there at my desk for what seemed like forever.

Once the reality of what happened set in, the grief wave hit. The feeling of hopelessness, sadness and disbelief came flooding back. I started thinking of my parents and how I cared for them and seeing them pass, my brother and his sudden passing and how I did not get to say goodbye to him. I felt like I did the day they passed. I cried and cried and did not know what to do with myself. Why did my heart feel like it was going to break all over again? That empty feeling was hitting me like a truck!

God, I prayed, not again. It feels like with every loss of a friend or loved one, these feelings surface. For me, knowing I need to " let them out" is my release. Knowing that it's okay to cry and still have bad days is okay.

We never get over the loss of a loved one. Learning to accept it and know that some days will be easier than others for me is the key. One thing that really gets to me is when someone says to me when I am having a bad day is "Oh you still have bad days?" Of course I do. Do I sit in a corner rocking back and forth? NO, but I will never stop loving or miss my loved ones. Still to this day when something good happens or for what ever reason I still want to pick up the phone and call my mom. In my mind I hear her voice and think of what her answer will be. I think of the sarcastic wit my dad and brother had and still get a chuckle of how they would react to certain situations if they were here today. That is what pulls me out of the sadness.

The memories of my loved ones. That is some thing death can't take away.