Another Transition Looms


Another Transition Looms

Just when it seemed like Mom was beginning to settle in to her new home in assisted living, it seems like another change is on the horizon. About a week ago, I noticed she was no longer crying every time we talk and telling me how lonely she is. Even more importantly, she started talking about a boyfriend! One of the male residents has taken to her and started visiting, sitting together and holding hands. She told me he kissed her and it made her happy! I was thrilled beyond words to see a new relationship bringing even the tiniest bit of brightness into her life. (And I met him and also learned from the staff members that all she said was true.)

BUT. She has started sun-downing pretty badly. They called me tonight to say they couldn't redirect her from the door. She was adamant that she was going to get in her car and drive home, because she had been working all day and it was time to go home! Their attempts at getting her to go to dinner or do anything else just made her angry. I talked with her on the phone for about half an hour, reminiscing about the job she used to have, and then going through her biography, talking about happy times and people we both love. She was more calm by the end and agreed to go eat dinner. Apparently this kind of thing is happening regularly. The powers that be believe it's time for her to move into the memory care unit.

A room has become available, and I know they can't hold it forever. I can't bear the thought of moving her away from her new sense of familiarity (when she's not sundowning) and new relationship. The first transfer was so traumatic and she really went downhill cognitively. I'm afraid to see it happen again. At the same time, I understand that they're not quite set up to meet the needs of someone with her level of dementia and that she might (they say) do better with more structured days. But she'll have to leave her nice apartment with her comfortable furniture and space for visitors and move into a standard single room. She'll be in a place with people who are more demented than she is.

My heart breaks for her and for me, too. I was proud of being her caregiver, even though it was stressful at times. But I felt like I was being a good daughter to her and giving back some of the love and care she had always lavished on me. But now I just feel guilty and sorry. And I miss her.

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I know where you are coming from My mom is 96 with moderate Alzheimer's. She lived with me for about 3 years until the stress just got to me. Even though she lived with me and my husband she told everyone she was lonely, and never went out anywhere, making people feel sorry for her. In reality I took her out a lot, but couldn't go to the mall everyday, or a restaurant every day like she wanted. She would get angry and sometimes aggressive. Getting her to do what I needed her to do was very difficult. She would cry because she was lonely, even though she was with us. I could tell when I went in her room in the morning what kind of mood she would be in, nice or argumentative. Now she is in an assisted living facility, with her own room. She is still lonely, and doesn't want to go down to the dining room with the other people. She used to make friends very easily, but now she expects everyone to speak to her first, and does't want to make the first move. I wish I could help her not feel lonely, but if she won't associate with people, there isn't much I can do.

Trina Ricks

You are a great daughter who loves her mom very much I pray for your strength.


Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. I'm having a rough time lately, grieving again - the feeling is always with me nowadays . . . but she is doing okay in memory care. I'm having a harder time that she is. Thank you all again - your kind comments_mysql make me feel better.

RoaringMouse 2.0

LilMagill you didn't do anything wrong so there's no need to feel guilty. But do understand or appreciate the sadness you feel as you watch her go through this next level in life. Be proud that you have done everything you possible can (..and then some!) to let her know she is loved, safe and that you will do what it takes to make sure she has access to constant happiness. You are an amazing caregiver! Give yourself a hug!


LilMagill, my heart breaks for you! All of these changes are so out of your control, in spite of all your best efforts, and keeping your mom's best interests as the focus. I can understand how you can feel guilty and sorry, and so much more. The loving, attentive care you gave to your mother gave her comfort and security. I hope her adjustments to the memory unit are few. You were an excellent are an excellent caregiver.

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