I Can’t Believe It's Been Seven Weeks

Jamie

I Can’t Believe It's Been Seven Weeks

Jamie
rails-434850_640I have to admit. I’m not a big calendar guy. I have one on my iPhone of course but that is mostly for doctor’s appointments or medical tests.

All of the important dates that I need to know (i.e. family members birthdays et. al) I have memorized.

Heck, the reason Val and I got married on April 20th was because her birthday is on January 20th. It would be easy for me to remember.

In 13 years of marriage I was a perfect 26 for 26 in remembering Val’s birthday and our wedding anniversary.

Unfortunately, I have a new date to remember. It’s 09/08/15. Tomorrow will mark seven weeks since my wife Valerie left me to go to heaven.

I bring this up only because I looked at my calendar and realized it has been seven weeks since that day happened.

I have written before about how sick my wife was for the last seven years.

Plus, we didn’t live together for the last seven months of her 47 years on earth.

I am blessed that both of my parents are still alive. My dad turns 86 on 10/28 and my mom is still going strong at 70 years old.

Valerie is by far the closest person to me that has passed away. I can sum up the experience in two words. It sucks.

For about the first month or so since Val died, I was in shock. That shock has given way to numbness, sadness and confusion.

Now you are probably thinking to yourself. “OK, Jamie, I get numbness and sadness. But, you lost me at confusion.”

Maybe confusion isn’t the right word. Is emotionlessness a word? I may need to get Webster’s on the line for a ruling.

I’ve noticed in the seven weeks since Val passed away, I’m not emotional. I don’t cry. I’ve cried maybe once since Val’s funeral.

I have the pictures that we displayed at Val’s services on a little bar here in the basement at my parent’s home. I walk by them every day. No reaction except a smile and remembering what a great person my wife was.

I’ve done a video tribute to my wife at school. I took 20 or so photos of Val and some of us and used the song “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” by Boyz II Men. I had no emotional reaction when I was making the video or the times I have watched it.

I don’t think I have buried the feelings or repressed them. The feelings are there. I just don’t cry.

That must be where the confusion comes from. I’m confused because I don’t know how to feel. Like I said, this is all new to me.

Country star Trace Adkins has a song called “I Wanna Feel Something”. The first chorus says exactly what I am feeling.

“I  wanna feel somethin’. Somethin’ that’s a real somethin’. That moves me and proves to me I’m still alive.

I wanna a heart that beats and bleeds, a heart that’s burstin’ at the seams. I wanna care. I wanna cry. I wanna scream. I just wanna feel something”.

I’m sure the day will come when I do have some emotion back in my life. I’m not sure I will ever return to normal. People say I will. I’m not buying it right not.

Grief can be a pain.

http://youtu.be/Jx_qAwlCFSY

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jan

Your post was beautiful, Jamie. Thank you for trusting us with your most personal moments. You know, I think the common concept of grief is over-rated. It doesn't represent how people really experience it any more than women screaming in labor represents delivering babies. I understand your lack of emotion from losing my mother in August. I wonder about it. I'm not judging myself for it. I'm trying to be patient for when my heart and mind and soul come back in alignment. You deserve that, too. I anticipate reading your updates as you move from day to day.

TiredButDetermined

Oh I totally get this. It's interesting how we have been led to believe there is some \"standard\" way to grieve... like we are supposed to have these epic, dramatic breakdown moments where we sob, wail, gnash our teeth, roll around on the floor tearing at our clothes...maybe with a supportive friend standing nearby to provide a hug and a glass of wine when it's over. It's also interesting how we have been led to believe that once we have had that moment, then we will be suddenly cleansed, as if grief is some clump of bad cells that simply need to be expelled from our bodies...and once it's expelled, the person will immediately go back to their formerly happy, perfect life. At least, that's what the movies teach us. If only it were that easy. \n\nThis is your journey, not someone else's. You may NEVER cry. And that's perfectly ok. Some of us don't!

Hussy

What a moving tribute, Jamie.

Sharon

As Mar said, grief has no rules. We each deal with grief in our own way in our own time. Your tribute is lovely and what you needed to do right now. Don't follow anyone else's path, your journey is your journey. I wish you the best as you travel this new road.

Jean

Jamie, I can relate to your feelings. I think you nailed it, the feelings are there, just your mind and body are exhausted... maybe protecting you, letting little bits of sadness through at a time. 7 weeks isn't long... it's OK to be exactly where you are. Hugs.

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