I Can’t Believe It's Been Seven Weeks


I Can’t Believe It's Been Seven Weeks

rails-434850_640I have to admit. I’m not a big calendar guy. I have one on my iPhone of course but that is mostly for doctor’s appointments or medical tests.

All of the important dates that I need to know (i.e. family members birthdays et. al) I have memorized.

Heck, the reason Val and I got married on April 20th was because her birthday is on January 20th. It would be easy for me to remember.

In 13 years of marriage I was a perfect 26 for 26 in remembering Val’s birthday and our wedding anniversary.

Unfortunately, I have a new date to remember. It’s 09/08/15. Tomorrow will mark seven weeks since my wife Valerie left me to go to heaven.

I bring this up only because I looked at my calendar and realized it has been seven weeks since that day happened.

I have written before about how sick my wife was for the last seven years.

Plus, we didn’t live together for the last seven months of her 47 years on earth.

I am blessed that both of my parents are still alive. My dad turns 86 on 10/28 and my mom is still going strong at 70 years old.

Valerie is by far the closest person to me that has passed away. I can sum up the experience in two words. It sucks.

For about the first month or so since Val died, I was in shock. That shock has given way to numbness, sadness and confusion.

Now you are probably thinking to yourself. “OK, Jamie, I get numbness and sadness. But, you lost me at confusion.”

Maybe confusion isn’t the right word. Is emotionlessness a word? I may need to get Webster’s on the line for a ruling.

I’ve noticed in the seven weeks since Val passed away, I’m not emotional. I don’t cry. I’ve cried maybe once since Val’s funeral.

I have the pictures that we displayed at Val’s services on a little bar here in the basement at my parent’s home. I walk by them every day. No reaction except a smile and remembering what a great person my wife was.

I’ve done a video tribute to my wife at school. I took 20 or so photos of Val and some of us and used the song “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” by Boyz II Men. I had no emotional reaction when I was making the video or the times I have watched it.

I don’t think I have buried the feelings or repressed them. The feelings are there. I just don’t cry.

That must be where the confusion comes from. I’m confused because I don’t know how to feel. Like I said, this is all new to me.

Country star Trace Adkins has a song called “I Wanna Feel Something”. The first chorus says exactly what I am feeling.

“I  wanna feel somethin’. Somethin’ that’s a real somethin’. That moves me and proves to me I’m still alive.

I wanna a heart that beats and bleeds, a heart that’s burstin’ at the seams. I wanna care. I wanna cry. I wanna scream. I just wanna feel something”.

I’m sure the day will come when I do have some emotion back in my life. I’m not sure I will ever return to normal. People say I will. I’m not buying it right not.

Grief can be a pain.