Cleansing Rain

Meghan

Cleansing Rain

Meghan
Through the Rainbow, public domainWho doesn't love a day where rain pours all morning, but the clouds clear and give way to a beautiful blue sky in the afternoon? The air is always so fresh after a good rain. Last night, it rained at my house. At least, it did in my bedroom.

After my post yesterday, I decided to sit outside and dedicate some time to myself to read and respond to the replies. It felt really nice to sit out under the stars and just be. I was able to think over all the things everyone said. I had just finished writing that I wasn't ready to talk to my husband about my issues yet, I went inside, took my shower, and went to bed. My husband rolled over to kiss me goodnight and I just started crying. Everything came pouring out of me before I knew what was happening. I told him everything except that I blame him for this. I explained all my frustrations and fears and he listened and cried along with me. He apologized so many times and actually opened up a little about how he's feeling. As I already knew, he is being eaten alive by guilt. He knows this is his doing, I certainly don't need to point that out to him and make him feel worse. We worked out a plan that he would start taking more responsibility, and I would let go of my constant need for control and allow him to do it. For now, he is in charge of putting gas in my car and going grocery shopping. We will plan a menu together and I will make a very detailed list so he knows exactly what to get. He told me he would help with the dishes on days he doesn't have dialysis and try to do more in the mornings on the days he does.

We laid in bed and talked about all sorts of things, big and small, until about 1 a.m. Not so good for my work day, but amazing for my marriage. It's hard to believe just a few hours can make so much of a difference. Things are really good right now. I'm having a good day for the first time in a very long time. I'm actually truly happy, not just faking a smile for other people's benefit. It feels pretty darn amazing!

Thank you so much to everyone for your wonderful advice. Thank you for supporting me while I try to navigate this crazy mess of a life. I know things won't stay good forever, and we will still have issues, but I'm going to let tomorrow worry about itself. Today is all about joy.

I feel so cleansed after the crying and long talk. My heart feels lighter and I no longer feel like I'm suffocating. I've read some other people's struggles, and I hope that you can find a way to get to this place. Sometimes just talking about it will make it better. My husband knew I was upset, but he needed me to go to him and tell him how I felt to really understand the depth of my feelings. So please, open up, talk to your spouse or loved one about what you need if you can. Sometimes they really are just clueless about your needs. Good luck to all of you. You are all in my prayers.

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Meghan

Thank you pegi. I promise not to tell your husband anything ;) it's been a couple of days and so far so good. He did a few things that would have made me so angry last week, but it really didn't bother me today. I consider that progress and I'm really happy. I will try to keep drawing from that joy everyday.

jan

I'm showing my age, when I say, \"You are so young, Meghan, to be so smart\". To have as much maturity and insight as you do right now, and not spend years of your life in unproductive emotions, fears, regrets, resentments, and all that, is quite remarkable. I applaud your day today.

Susan

I'm so happy for you Meghan!! I know it's not easy to put yourself out there, but once you do, healing can begin. You are being true to yourself and setting some healthy boundaries about what you need. It sounds like your husband truly loves you and wants to work together to make your lives happy. God bless the both of you!