Coping With Change


Coping With Change

Mom has been at the assisted living place for one week, and it's been a hard time for both of us. For the first four days, I was still in hospital/crisis mode, trying to be by her side as much as possible and trying to help her learn the routines. Then the clinical director pulled me aside and asked me to cut back on my visits in order to give her a chance to adjust and learn to trust the staff. It made sense and I was willing to do it, but I'm not sure what my role is now and how to be a good daughter if I'm not her caregiver. On Wednesday morning, I explained what the nurse wanted me to do and said, "I'll see you on Saturday." I've been able to call and check the past two days, but today something happened to her cell phone and it's not working.

At times when I'm with her or talk to her, she is basically okay. She says the people are nice to her. I hear from the staff that she cooperates with therapy and they're working on getting her to participate in activities. But at other times - usually later in the day - she is heartbroken and begging me to take her home, explaining how she needs to be home with her family in order to get better. It's crushing. I blame it on the doctors, and it is true: when she was discharged from in-patient rehab, they told me she would not be safe to go home without 24/7 care and that I needed to find a place where she could do sub-acute rehab. I opted for assisted living with in-home rehab so she could have her own things and be more comfortable. I got no good recommendations for a sub-acute facility in town.

The place is good, and the staff is good. It's pleasant, quiet, homey. The staff are friendly, especially on the weekdays when there are plenty of people around. They are working on helping her feel at home, and she gets the opportunity to socialize with others at meal times and other times. But I understand her feeling - change is traumatic and home is home. Will it ever get better for her? At times I feel confident that I made the right decision, and at times I feel cruel for making her suffer.

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I struggle with words because your pain is so real and so close for many of us. The decisions we make or have had to make that in the loving and best interest of are loved ones are not easy and feel so heavy. Change is different and can be tough, but in the long run it sounds like it is the best thing for your mom's rehabilitation, safety and well-being. Time will help her with adjusting and being at ease and your visits will increase soon so that your anxiety is lessened. The other thing I have to keep in my mind as I face similar decisions down the road with my mom is that nothing is permanent..our journeys are ever moving. If given time, you feel this is not in the genuine best interest of your mom, you can change. It sounds like you've made loving and informed decisions and not easy decisions but truly loving for your mom. I hope that a few weeks pass and that your story is able to change as she adjusts and you have had a time to for the painful raw emotion to ease. Hugs and thoughts to you.


Thanks so much for the encouragement. :-)