Down Days Sneak Up on You

CatKBorn
You know you're having a down day when you get home and your mom - yes THAT mom, the one with dementia - takes one look at you and goes to the wine glasses and points at one making her "do you want that" noise (it's PPA we don't have words any more).

No particular reason why I'm down. Hasn't been a bad day, comparatively speaking.

But it hit me on the way home. First, I didn't want to go home. Home means more stuff to do, more responsibility, not refuge. No peaceful solitude. Also hit that I haven't talked to friends in over a week, so seen any for that matter. The solitude this situation brings is far from peaceful. Yes, folks you can be lonely with another person in the room.

Second, (and this was the hit me part) - everything I do now is because I have to. Not "want to", "have to".

Have to go to work. Have to clean as soon as I get home from work. Have to make dinner - hungry or not. Have to do several loads of laundry during the week, not just two loads on one day. Have to take time off work to get to appointments and then have to work through lunch to make up for the time. Have to. Have to. Have to.

It's overwhelming.

Today was no different. First she's upset because I had a meeting today (I do direct sales for a company for some much needed extra $ and we had an event today - I missed every other thing for the last year, decided screw that, I'm going - and it was nice) so we couldn't go to church at 5:00 p.m. Does not want to go in the morning (honestly I don't either 'cuz there goes the PJ day and I booked a massage for 3:00). Next, I get home and the kitchen floor and counters are horribly sticky from spilled Kool-Aid. A floor I had washed this morning. It's a hands and knees kind of clean up too.

THEN having no idea what to make for dinner I tossed some gnocchi in a pot. It was flavored. It was awful. So back to the store to find something else. Got a frozen stir fry shrimp primavera. Also not good. Not awful but ... not good. News says tomorrow is the last good warm day for a while if not the rest of the year so if I want to do any work on the flower and vegetable beds (wait for it) I "have" to do it tomorrow.

Oh yeah, and one of the cats is outside now, refusing to come in. I refuse to chase her sorry black kitty butt around the yard and risk falling on all the acorns out there in the dark.

So yeah, there was (is) wine.

There's truly not enough wine for surviving this disease as a caregiver. That's my hashtag on Twitter and Facebook by the way: #notenoughwine

Cheers!

Join our mailing list

Sign up to receive our monthly newsletter that includes caregiving tips, news, support and more.