Emotions, Worry

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Emotions, Worry

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lonely-821489_640About a year ago, mom wasn't as sick as she is now. I had a little more freedom, and definitely better frame of mind. I worry when she's not here that it will break me, my last family gone, then the financial worry, though I will have lifetime use of the house can I afford to live here. Always that in the back of my mind, nobody to talk to, always alone and isolated.

My "supposed" best friend isn't a friend anymore. Last year she invited me out for my birthday, I waited about all day (she sleeps late) for her to call and had left her a message. Around 4 p.m. I called her boyfriend who told me she went out with someone else to dinner!!!! That hurt so bad, and there is not a repair for that. We're still"'friends" but the relationship is strained now. I can't get past that and I never will. Sad that my only friend of sorts treats me that way. My mom was getting sick on my birthday and it really was an awful day as most of mine have been. I want to get out and have fun, do something but caregiving and finances and my health always rule and dictate. I want a vacation but never had one, never have money for me to spend on me ever.

I worry all the time, it's like what next? What nasty thing will crop up to make life all the much more miserable. Now I have a serious back issue, it keeps going out of place, the SI joint and it's so painful! OMG to go to the bathroom is agony, sitting hurts, standing hurts. I'm seeing a chiro but something is damaged or wacked out. Then I worry cause I have pockets in the colon. Is it both colon and back? I'm not sure.

I worry about our house, we need work done, no money for work done. My mom made bad choices with plumbing and electrical and spent a wad for jobs not finished and the contractors GONE, just not found anywhere. We have no lights in our bathroom which is really fun. We have two sinks that the pipes were not finished, have old galvanized steel that is corroded and the sinks fill up and plug. We need a toilet, a new one. Didn't know it and can't prove it now but roofers cracked some beams on one area of our roof and they need to be supported fixed. We don't need snow and ice to collapse it, I worry about how it will all get done.

Then all the 'other' stuff. I have to sign up for insurance I can't afford, it went up 70%, I believe. I can't think to figure it. I have to sign up soon and I have no idea how to pay for it so I haven't done anything.

I sell on ebay and also yard sale Facebook sites. I'm selling almost everything I can to pay my bills. My bills are all cat, car, and dental.  I'm really trying to get them down but when you are in bad debt that little bit makes no dent and really nobody is buying anything.

I really do feel hopeless and depressed a lot of the time. I also feel angry and anxious a lot too. When I do get to see my doctor he wants to drug me which I don't want drugs. Yes, I have a lot of pain, yes I'm sad and whatever but drugs are not the answer. I was in a car accident, hit a deer and got hurt. I was getting migraines, every day thought I was gonna die, brain tumor you name it. I was on a ton of drugs, I saw things on the wall that were not there, I didn't know what I was doing sometimes. The last straw after two weeks of that was when I was watching tv with mom and dad, a comedy and I was sitting there crying uncontrollable and went up to go to bed and saw millions of bugs on the wall. Those drugs went right in the trash! I found a chiro who helps with migraines and massage with pain but you have to do them on a regular basis which I can't.

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Denise

Just wanted to check in with you, Christine. Please know I'm thinking of you. \r\n\r\nWrite when you can and share how you're doing.

BeccaB

It is all so overwhelming! I will second what Denise said -- coming here has helped me a lot with the isolation. Thank you, Denise.\r\n\r\nI found when I was seriously floundering to just set one small goal for myself --- I tried to go to bed a little earlier and take five minutes to decompress / meditate before bedtime. The decompressing and rest helped the next day.....\r\n\r\nYou do so much! Big pat on the back!

Denise

I think loneliness is such a tough experience to manage. The heart aches in a such a searing way when you feel alone.\r\n\r\nI hope it helps to know you belong here with us, Christine. We may not be able to see each other but I hope we can touch each other with our words and our understanding.\r\n\r\nI'm so glad you are here with us, Christine, and you are sharing your days with us. Keep writing.