Facing the Fear

Casandra Porter

Facing the Fear

Casandra Porter
12344057871071110537kablam_Heart_-_Glossy_Two.svg.medThe last few weeks have been a whirlwind of ups and downs. Which I've come to expect. I finally got a few solid weeks of work in without actually missing a day. I was very proud of myself. They officially released Marc from his job which we saw coming and were prepared for (somewhat). We had previously verified how his disability would work out and made decisions as to how to handle medical insurance since he was carrying himself. We've had a couple options laid out just for this scenario so we were able to take the news with stride and keep moving without too much of a hiccup.

I was having a pretty great week, I'd have to say. I'd delved into some meditations which had really started to help me with my anxiety and sleep. I wasn't so tired going to work which started to make it enjoyable again. Well, as enjoyable as you can get doing customer service work for a healthcare company in this economy. I mean, if I had to hear one more time, "Are these changes because of Obamacare?", I might have screamed.

Unfortunately, on Thursday, the beginning of my weekend since I don't work on Friday's, I came home to find Marc passed out on the floor. At first, I thought he was sleeping because he has a tendency to sprawl out on the floor any way. He says it's comfortable and I say he's crazy. So, my assumption walking in was, oh, great, he's fallen asleep with the television blaring in the middle of the floor. It wasn't until I attempted to wake him up that I noticed something was wrong.

It took me a second to rouse him and once I did he looked confused. Immediately my thought was, he's had another seizure. So, I tried engaging him to see how long ago it might have passed. With Marc, once he has a seizure it takes him a good hour to come out of it. He immediately falls into a deep sleep and being hard to wake up when he is normally sleeping, it's even harder to wake him up after a seizure. But he seemed lucid, except he couldn't form words. When he spoke it was garbled and made no sense. Gradually, he began to make more sense and I was able to get him moved from the floor to the couch but he was complaining about not being able to breathe. Which prompted me to then call 911. That's not a normal issue when he has his seizures so I wanted to make sure nothing major was happening.

In any case, paramedics came and gave him some oxygen and all his other levels were fine. He was talking pretty coherently and said several times he did not want to go to the hospital. Having had to call these paramedics once before I was familiar with three of the responders and they with Marc. They thought he was doing well enough not to go, as did I. After they left I called his doctor and reported the incident. Since he had surgery on his brain not too long ago, I wanted to make sure she didn't need to see him. While I was on the phone with her, Marc had another seizure. Normally, his seizures are full body convulsions, this one was a staring seizure. I was asking him a question and he seemed not to hear me then he seemed to be able to hear me but not understand what I was saying, he would just look at me but could follow my voice. Finally, he stood up and walked to the bathroom, I followed him. I waited a bit because he seemed to be acting like nothing happened then asked him if he could hear me again, this time he responded. Both me and his MD decided he needed to be seen.

We ended up spending the night in the hospital and they released him early Friday afternoon. Turns out because of the other increases in medication and some weight gain, his seizure medication ended up needing to be increased. My husband is a big guy at 6 feet even and 300lbs. But he had gained over 40lbs in the last 4 months because his activity is so sedentary. He is restricted from doing anything and can't even lift anything over 5lbs. It only made sense that they'd need to eventually increase the dose. That coupled with the fact that he'd spent the day outside riding around with his mom in the searing Arizona heat and was probably dehydrated and overexerted only added onto the experience.

He is fine now. Almost back to normal though still very sleepy. Right now, I am trying to mentally prepare myself to go back to work and leave behind the worry. You see, every since he had been diagnosed with seizures, Thursday's incident has been my biggest fear. Leaving him alone to only come home and find he has had one and no one was there to help him. Luckily, it seems he must have just had it minutes before I walked into the door from work that day. Yet, with my greatest fear realized, I can't allow myself to be worried too much. Uncontrollable things will happen with or without me there. I've "proofed" the house enough for these incidents and he isn't allowed to shower or cook unless I am home. But, it doesn't take away that fear.

However, I have to say, I handled it pretty calmly. From the moment I realized what had happened until now, I've been rather calm and collected. I am completely proud of myself. I was certain there would be an opposite reaction when this finally happened.

One thing makes it easier for me to leave him, though, and that is knowing that everyday I have told him I loved him. He knows I love him. I know he loves me. My biggest fear before my Dad passed away was that he wouldn't really know how much I loved him. We were lucky enough to have that conversation the day before he died. Since Marc has been sick and since my Dad passed, I have told him everyday how much he means to me and I know he feels the same. So, the fear of him leaving this world without me being there to say goodbye isn't as much of a fear anymore. I'm not saying I am ready to let go of my husband because I am still holding on to the dream of us growing old together but I know that if something happened, I have not wasted one day angry or without letting him know how much he means. And knowing that helps. Especially since the first thing he said to me when he finally came to in the hospital and realized what had happened was simply, "I know you love me. I love you, too."

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Denise

Hi--When I first heard that you arrived home to Marc on the floor, I remembered this one of the worries you wrote about when you first joined the site. It's an understandable fear--I would worry, too.\r\n\r\nYou did awesome handling this. I just find myself amazed at you. :) You have much to teach us.\r\n\r\nI soooo loved your last paragraph. You are blessed to be loved and to love very deeply. Good for you!!

ejourneys

(((Big Hugs)))\r\nAs scary as that must have been, you faced your fear right down and made it toast. I'm keeping my fingers crossed the meds give good results.\r\n\r\nMy partner is very susceptible to heat and dehydration. Food (including electrolytes) and water come with us whenever we leave the house.\r\n\r\nI've also had to adjust to my partner sleeping on the floor. Her sleep is completely irregular and the fatigue from her MS often means I find her passed out on the rug, since she also prefers the floor to sitting in a chair. It's become part of \"our normal.\"

darciejane

Well, that is certainly what I would call facing the fear! What a story - I wish you the best in the days to come. Hope the meds get adjusted and things stay quiet for awhile!