Holidays

Desiree

Holidays

Desiree
I never thought it would be this hard. Holidays, I mean. Mom died in early October, none of us are anywhere near normal, much less "getting over it". For myself, I seriously wonder if I ever will be.

Thanksgiving was pizza and wings from the best pizza place in town. (Vinnie's New York, if you're wondering. They're awesome.) Dad contributed a bottle of chianti and dessert. When he said the grace, he voice faltered and died away. I opened my eyes, looked at him (his eyes were open and bewildered) and I said, "Amen". He gave me a look of gratitude, and we tucked in. God, it was hard.

I had promised that for Christmas, I'd put more effort into it. Grandma gave me some $ to spend on our dinner (even though she doesn't do Christmas, it's against her religion). I got us a rare treat, a prime rib roast. I've only cooked that once before. I hope I don't screw it up. And this time, I'll break out the prewar Noritake china, and the sterling flatware. Yep, the whole nine yards.

I know these past two months have been very hard on my dad. Yesterday was my birthday, and he neither called nor dropped by. That alone is evidence enough of how he must be struggling. No, I'm not mad or offended. I'm sorrowing for him, for me, for my brother.  For the terrible loss of her, and the even more terrible knowledge of how none of this turned out the way it was supposed to.  She suffered so damn much. And we had to witness it. It is burned in my heart forever.

I know in my heart that my mother is in Heaven, that I will one day be reunited with her, and on that blessed day all the wrongs between us will be made right. World without end, amen.

But no matter how hard I try to make this Christmas "normal" for us, the living, it won't be.  Maybe a new "normal" is in order?

Wishing you all a peaceful, blessed Christmas.