Tell Us: How Do You Cope with the No-Show Family Member?

Denise

Tell Us: How Do You Cope with the No-Show Family Member?

Denise
https://images.caregiving.com/unsafe/pr:small/plain/posts/f32148f7-921c-4564-9eed-2922e6beee2e/Empty-Park-Bench_Autumn__4763IMG_2511-1024x682-e1516045908715.jpgA few weeks ago during our #carechat discussion on Twitter, I led a discussion about "What if" scenarios. I thought I'd share some of the "What if" questions we discussed with you. (Note: Please feel free to join us on Twitter every Tuesday at 1 p.m. ET for #carechat.)

So, I wonder: What would you do if a family member is a no-show for a visit with your caree and a break for you?

How do you manage the situation? What steps do you take?

Share your thoughts and experiences in our comments section, below.

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CathyJ

This is such an interesting question for me. A year ago, I would have said angry, frustrated, alone, discouraged, stressed. Then I found this site and became a part of an understanding and nurturing community. I found medical help for mom and got answers, and went to counseling for caregiving stress. A year later, my response is much more healthy for me. I have realized that I can't force their care and participation. Yes, they have stepped up and yes I am more fortunate that many. Do they truly grasp how caregiving for someone 24/7 totally changes your life...absolutely not. But in the same turn, they don't have those special moments with mom...spoken and unspoken that create memories I will cherish for ever. They don't experience the humbleness of honoring someone who has cared for their whole life and now has given me the opportunity to pay it forward. Don't get me wrong, I still growl when they say something like \"what are you doing this weekend?\" but I treasure the moments I have and I don't take responsibility for their actions anymore. I just put out what I need and they step up or they don't. Thank you to this group for helping me to get to this point. My mom thanks you too.

Liz

Thank you so much i really appreciate knowing someone is praying for me, most people don't understand the difficulties i face, they say they would have dropped the ball a long time ago. I thank God for your prayers.xoxo

Liz

I too have 2 siblings who don't wish to participate in my brothers care. My brother is 56 living in a nursing home, he has Traumatic Brain Injury since 9 yrs old. He lived a semi-normal life while my parents were living. As he became older he kept having seizures, which he then couldn't keep a job, because employers were nervous about it. He then had to go on SS only to loose his apartment, they only gave him support for Food vouchers. He lived with each of my siblings, and they both asked him to move out. He can be very demanding, and mean, which is part of the brain injury person personality. He only lived with each of them for six weeks. After that he moved in with friends, one day he was driving somewhere and had a grand-mall seizure, and had to extricated from his truck and went to hospital in helicopter to save his life. He was on life support for 6 months. During this time he did not have a DNR on record, so by law they had to keep life support on. The Drs. counseled us to not put him on life support again and they felt he should not be recessitated in the future. My youngest sibling blew up and was hysterical. She would not even think of entertaining. this idea. So now he has rehabbed is wheel chair bound, and thinks if he gets a hip replacement he will walk again. When speaking to staff about this they are not confident he could live alone, just in light of the fact he cannot remember to take his meds. He is on high doses of Dilantin for seizures, and also now takes blood thinners, mood elivators,and so on. because this last september his had major blockage in two main arteries of the heart. They put stints in and were able to repair. Again I'm alone in the decision making process, the other 2 siblings were absent during decision making process. One of my sisters has clinical depression with manic episodes, so i can excuse her, but the other does not speak to any of us including my brother that has all these ailments, and she's the one that did not want to take him off life support. but yet no visits no calls not even a Christmas card which brings him much cheer. Incidentally she lives about 15 minutes from his facility where he resides. and won't let her teenage boys have contact with him. Most people in my family have moved on and don't even ask how he is doing anymore. I feel sad because i am at a breaking point and may have to choose a court appointed medical guardian on his behalf. because of all the stress i have been battling PTSD and on meds, and i am getting older myself, and the hour drive is torture on my back. and then i am useless the rest of the week. I have advanced arthritis in my lower spine a slipped disc and arthritis in my neck, hands ,and feet. I am now having a bad flare up because i got sick. The sickness affects my immune system which then i spiral out, and Iam overwhelmed with everything. I suffer from co-dependancy and am getting much help thru al-anon. I also will be attending a support recovery group at my church for co-dependents. I look forward to getting better. I still have hope just a little overwhelmed right now.