I Am Not Good at This


I Am Not Good at This

boxing-415394_640I am so not good at "circling the wagons" and "protecting us."

My brother called today and wanted to come and visit in February.  Before all of this started, my brother had been planning on coming and visiting in February anyway, and when he called, my crazy brain didn't consider where we would be in detox and so I said that would be okay. I told Mom his plans and she was not happy.

The relationship is "strained" to say the least and once again I have failed to protect Mom. I think I was desperate for some human comfort (even if for only two days) and I didn't consider the difficulties and pain this would bring to Mom. I added so much stress. Once I talked with Mom and she expressed her great displeasure, I quickly emailed my brother and told him that it wouldn't be a good idea to come. He emailed back stating that he REALLY wants to come out, with his wife, to visit. I am going to have to say no.

It is well known that he doesn't deal with sick people and his wife doesn't like either of us and there is great strain. And having two more people in the house to care for is just beyond my ability at the moment.

I was sad that my chance to have someone help me even if for only two days isn't going to happen. I know he wouldn't really help, that it would cause more pain, and a lot more stress, but maybe I wouldn't feel so alone (physically) in this. I can't seem to explain my emotions right now. I am just empty and tired I think.

We also had another blow, we heard back from the hearing at worker's comp. We were once again denied. They sided with the doctor who laughed at Mom's agony and said that she can do medium work and lift 50 pounds. Yesterday - she couldn't even life her 24 ounce water bottle! I had to get her a 12 ounce water bottle, and even that was a great struggle for her to lift to her lips! 14 1/2 years of fighting, our attorney said he felt really good that this hearing would go in our favor because worker's comp is struggling for any more excuses as they have used all the excuses up. But once again we have lost.

The stress of dealing with this is slowly killing Mom. She keeps saying they are trying to wait her out and kill her with stress. Her BP was quite elevated after all of this. We are just tired, tenacious but tired.

Tomorrow we will garner our fighting spirit once more. We will pull ourselves out of this pity party and pick up our armor and swords to fight again.

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<a href='http://www.caregiving.com/members/denise/' rel=\"nofollow\">@denise</a> - thank you for your thoughts, things have taken a bad turn between mom's and my brother's relationship. Mom and I had a very difficult disagreement where she had stated she doesn't want my brother coming here, she won't accept phone calls, and doesn't want to see him again. It was extremely difficult and I feel in the middle once again. She says I am free to continue a relationship with him but it hurts her greatly if I do. So I am stuck. I have been forced to chose a side. This is breaking my heart in two. We are both completely and utterly exhausted. I know that emotions run high and things seem worse during detox and excruciating bouts of pain, but the feelings and heart still get hurt. I don't know how to proceed.


Hi LH--I'm thinking out loud so bear with me. \r\n\r\nIt does sound like you would like a visit from your brother. I wonder if there's a compromise here? Could they come for a visit but stay in a hotel? You could tell your brother that you'd like him to come and that because you're not sure how your mom will be feeling, it would be a big help if they could stay in a hotel. \r\n\r\nI think it would be a nice break for you to have some company. It's okay if everyone doesn't get along--we all don't get along in my family. But, we do our best to keep the connections. I think that's really important--to stay connected.\r\n\r\nJust some thoughts. :)