I Feel Like I am Failing

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I Feel Like I am Failing

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glass-containers-1205611_640Failing big time!

I feel like I am running around trying to get everything completed -- take care of Mom, house work, dishes (how do we go through so many dishes!), medications, calls to doctors and what not, yard work (why do weeds grow so fast?), get my orders complete, find time to sleep a few hours, take care of the cat, the car, the groceries, etc etc etc. Yes I am failing miserably as a friend to others.

I am not keeping up with people -- keeping them informed on Mom's health. They call and I don't call back, they write and I don't write back. Sometimes I am able to email but it is usually late. Now I have made several people angry and my aunt is no longer talking to me. Sigh.

I know I can't do it all, but I wish I could! Why can't I be super caregiver and give everything to everyone, and do all that needed done, in a timely manner! As I fell into bed the other night, I was trying to take stock of what was going on. I was feeling badly about not being a good friend to others, and I realized how tired I am. Physically, I am always exhausted (thank you fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome) but I was tired on the inside, worn thin. I wish it were physical thinness. LOL

I think this past year of detox and hospital stays is catching up with me. Is it possible that it would be so delayed? I am letting myself off the hook for being a bad friend in the past, and I am going to try, with renewed vigor, to be a better friend, talk to people more, open up, be sure to send out updates and take the time to appreciate my friends. Before I sat down to blog, I wrote a "Mom Update" and mailed them, Facebooked them, and emailed them to my list of people. Usually I am pretty good at keeping everything up to date, but I have been lagging. I am hoping I don't lose my aunt forever over this.

How do you keep up with everything and everyone?

I am realizing how isolated I have become. My whole world is inside this beautiful home! I have to get out of the house every once in a while! I hadn't left the house in three or so weeks (Mom has had a migraine for two months and I have been busy with massaging, muscle sprays, helping her roll over and get up, fetching food and drink, etc) and a local friend called to see how Mom was doing. I was ill and couldn't pick up the phone. Well she decided to drive over here to make sure we were okay! I cried! SO thoughtful. She asked if we needed anything from the store. I told her we would love to have a gallon of fresh milk as it had been a LONG time. She went to the store and got it for us! I was SO humbled. It was such a God send because as soon as we got the milk, Mom mentioned that she would just love a bowl of cereal -- perfect timing -- God is so good!

A few days later, Mom was well enough for me to go to the store and run some errands. It was such a peaceful and refreshing day to be out and about, seeing live humans, smelling the fresh air etc. I felt like a new person! That evening I was able to go out to eat with the neighborhood. It has been a long time since I was able to attend! Good food and great conversation!

Maybe if I get out more often, I won't be so exhausted? I don't know. I am working out in the garden and that has been good for me -- tackling weeds and getting the garden ready for spring. I was out there today and everything has started budding! I love seeing spring bring in the leaves on the trees and all the flowers! I can't wait to get out there and plant the seeds I received for my birthday and for Christmas.

Well thanks for letting me complain. :)  Blessings to you all!

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Wazhyfee

You have so much on your plate! Feeling exhausted comes with the territory when you are so invested in the care of your loved one. Isn't it humbling when someone actually takes the time to consider YOUR needs? You give so much of yourself daily it's unbelieveable that you could receive even a piece of what you give. Oh how we appreciate even the smallest gestures. Praise God for sending an angel your way, He knew exactly what you needed!

Elizabeth Miller

I equate this feeling to a mama bird trying to feed her nest of hungry birds. It often feels like we are doing a ton of things and none of them well! I can so relate to your post.

Denise

Something I finally learned: The solution to my fatigue is to sleep and rest. :)\r\n\r\nSounds so simple, doesn't it? And yet it can be so hard to do. We're doing, doing, doing and so we think another solution is to do. \r\n\r\nI think enjoying life is energizing. I hope you will be able to socialize regularly -- the connections are critical to our well-being. And, the gardening will add a spring in your step, too. \r\n\r\nYou're doing okay, LH. With all you have to do, you are doing so well.

lookingheavenward

Thanks Sally :) I do need a safe place to complain and have people understand! What a blessing it is LOL! I am SO thankful our friend came to check on us and brought us milk! I think it is hard for people who haven't been in this situation to fully understand how exhausted one can become, and how stressful caregiving can be! Thank you for the encouragement - and I think I will steal your thought and share it often!!! \"remind them that you feel it is more important to take care of your Mom’s needs and keep her environment clean and safe than to write letters and make phone calls\" Blessings!

Desiree

Be kinder to yourself, please! You, and I, and everyone else here are only human. With all the faults and frailties that go with it. A truly \"bad friend\" doesn't even bother thinking about it, much less feeling badly about it. When I feel overwhelmed (which is pretty much every day) I pour out my heart, and offer up my struggles, my failures, my joy and my pain, all of it, heart and mind, body and soul, into the care and keeping of my very best Friend. And his Mom! It's the only thing I've found that really helps. God bless you.