I Need To Stop

Grace girl

I Need To Stop

Grace girl
(Editor's Note: Welcome Suzanne, who cares for her husband, to our blogging team today. Please feel free to connect with her on her profile page: @suzannek.)

Nearly 9:30 and the episode is over. We are into Murdoch Mysteries now. I happen to have the Apple TV remote this time, so I go through the process of shutting down the TV then handing the remote back to Thom. I notice as he takes it, his hand trembles. The shaking seems more pronounced than usual and I glance at him--nearly naked--and notice how skinny he’s gotten. His shoulders are stooped and his now lopsided face has a three day old beard. I am stunned at how old and frail this man of mine has become.

I want to gasp. Not because of the frailty but because I am just now noticing. I have been so busy. Busy paying bills, washing dishes, calling the attorney, picking up groceries, going to the post office, following up on unfinished business secretly discovered. In trying to stay on top of it all, I have gotten a bug, I am tired and today I am annoyed. I told Thom tonight that I am not coming back to bed with him until he takes a shower.

And as I watch him grasping for the remote, I am realizing in this moment, that I need to stop. I need to stop doing everything. Our king size bed is roomy enough for all of us--not just the two dogs and Thom. They have been cozying in this bed most of the week and I have let them alone. But I see now that I need to stop, drop all that is keeping me busy, and crawl in beside them all. Then I will remember that this man right here today is not the man that I think is making me annoyed. How could he?

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9 Comments

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EllysGdaughter

Oh yes, thank you for sharing. I like that you realized that you needed to acknowledge relationship... the busyness was keeping you away from what was important. Thank you for that reminder!

I fully understand the errands, chores,to do lists, and all the things involved in caregiving!! It is a delicate balance of detaching and being with the person we love and care for . I fully enjoyed your blog and I love the insight of seeing your husband as not the thing that is annoying you. The process of caring is a tremendously complex job that can be exhaustive and inspiring all at the same time! I was so happy that all of you were together !!! It's so true ~ sometimes we have to tell ourselves IT'S TIME TO STOP!

jan

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope blogging will be an encouragement to you.

Grace girl

Hi Gary—This is a really beautiful reflection. Thank you so much for sharing it!

Mike

Suzanne - your post really touched me. It's easy to get overwhelmed from caregiving in addition to dealing with all the outside world issues... our feelings and emotions can drift away from \"reality\" and cause frustration... you're annoyed at the situation but not at Thom. Keep offering him comfort and love like I'm sure you have been... I know he understands, appreciates and loves all that you're doing.

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