If I Scream, Can You Hear Me?

CatKBorn

If I Scream, Can You Hear Me?

CatKBorn
As noted earlier, there is no peace any more, which for a loner like me is extremely difficult. There's no privacy either. I suppose those go together. But tonight what is getting to me is the over the shoulder butting in to whatever I am doing. Scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, writing in this blog, changing clothes in my room after work. Okay I have cats, I am used to not being able to use the bathroom in private, or take a shower but seriously they are CATS and there IS a difference.

On the upside, I didn't feel well last night and got mother-smothered. Which was irritating -- again, the loner thing -- and messy. Ended up with pudding on my forehead from being kissed by a pudding infused mouth, scratched because a hug now consists of her grabbing my face and neck with hands containing nails she will not let me clean or cut. So on the one hand that was kind of nice but on the other really annoying.

Tonight though it is the cackling that is driving me the most nuts. Okay the entire 16 oz can of beer ending up all over my hardwood floors was pretty upsetting as was the time when I wouldn't let her have a second beer so she went after the wine and now I don't have any white wine left. I don't drink beer, I drink wine. And vodka. But there's no vodka either. Sigh...

It's Friday, It was a long week at work. I worked my butt off all day -- slammed with end of the month deadlines -- and I come home to cat vomit, the-don't-want-pizza-yes-I want-pizza but don't-go-to-the-store-and-get-a-few-things argumentative crap followed by nagging over not doing what she "needs" me to do at the very minute right-freakin-now. My nerves are completely shot. And now this constant pestering, crying when I don't respond immediately, getting up every five minutes instead of watching the TV program she insists on watching Remember, I can't watch anything I want to or a fit is thrown and I can't watch in my room on the other TV or again, fit.

I feel as though I am being held hostage in my own home.

I've had to close my laptop twice now in order to be able to write this. Medicating me isn't going to make this better, it will just dull my perceptions of what is going on here. I have two different mediation apps on my phone and I say the Rosary every morning now after the alarm goes off -- trying to find my center, trying to embrace all this and turn our suffering into something meaningful. After all, if the late Saint Pope John Paul II could turn his suffering to God why not us?  So many books on making suffering prayerful, on caregiving (most of which aren't applicable and those that are scare the crap outta me) ... and yet nothing works.

Did I mention the guy I work for is a bully? Oh yeah. I went back to this place I left 15 years ago because I needed regular hours and more money. Got that but at what price?

Resentment is high. I have given up so much for all this and yet I know that I have to be the one to take care of her as there quite literally is no one else. Feeling trapped. Overwhelmed. Angry. Resentful.



 

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EllysGdaughter

Yes, Cat, we can hear your scream and I am proud that you are screaming! Does that even make sense? Yes, from one who literally screamed in the backyard with my sister during caregiving for Elly. It seems like a never ending heart poke sometimes. I totally get the uncleanliness of the hands, nails and whatever else! Breathe, most importantly, I found out that we can be so frustrated and not breathe, so during meditation and Rosary take deep breaths! You are your Mom's \"catch-net\" and I will pray that you will find some better answers to your situation, ability for Mom to respect boundaries and respite for you. Continue to blog it out and join a chat when you can. You are working so hard!!!

CatKBorn

There really are no other housing options at this time. I have no siblings, her siblings are both dealing with dementia issues - one has Alzheimer's, the other's husband does. There's no money for assisted living and too much for Medicaid. The social worker pointed me to the local agency on agency which has been no help. Small town, not too many options

CathyJ

Cat, thank you for sharing. The need for private time, peace, your glass of wine, privacy...all are so important and at times seem so far away. I certainly don't have solutions but hope you can find creative, no energy ways to just be with you. I love my early morning time when it is just me and the deer and hummingbirds outside. (I love wine too but no that is not a great wine time....but sure think it should be some days!!!). Will be praying for Cat only time with a great glass of red wine for you. When you write, we hear and you help us by sharing those feelings we all have had.

frogger16

We hear you Cat and Im glad you continue to share your world with us. I understand how important it is to have that \"private time\" or \"your own space\"...where no intruders enter. Your home has been your safe haven. You've graciously opened your home to your Mom to care for her, and have watched much (if not all) of your private space/time be taken over. I pray you will find one spot or a few minutes each day, that will be only for you.

Denise

Cat--First, forgive me! I got so far behind. I read all your posts but got behind on commenting. \r\n\r\nI think it's such an awful feeling to be trapped, especially if you feel trapped everywhere you go -- home, work, life. I think the worst part about being trapped is that it can feel that it steals our center. Our center gets caught in the trap. How do we free ourselves when the key is out of our reach?\r\n\r\nI'm grateful you keep writing. I'm grateful you share with us. Please know we hear.