If It Stinks Why Do I Keep Stepping In It?

Lark

If It Stinks Why Do I Keep Stepping In It?

Lark
I declare, have I become so accustomed to stepping into messy, stinky piles of self-pity and overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame that they have become a habit to me. Do I return to these stinking piles of junk over and over because I am familiar with them and afraid of change? Could that be true? Oh me, how humbling to see that I have made a habit of stinking thinking. What do I get out of this habit? Let me think...drama, excuses, the attention of others and the freedom to see how other people are responsible for my wretchedness. O.K. It may not be that dramatic but I have just come through yet another bout of stinking thinking and I am sick of it. I am tired of it. I don't want to do it again and yet I wonder if I am willing to change habits, chase away destructive thinking, build in new ways of coping and managing my life and take responsibility for myself. Am I, in all honesty, sick and tired of being sick and tired?

This post will not answer that question. I want to say that I am sick and tired and that I am ready to learn new habits and suffer the temporary discomfort of change. But, I am not sure I am ready. Something in me holds back even with the awful discomfort of stinking thinking still vivid to me.

So I am in the process of doing soul-searching and talking to mentors and praying. I can say this much. I am willing to be willing. I have done this in many areas of my life. Caregiving and the stress of it and the abundance of lack of manageability have conspired to throw me into a deep pit of "woe is me".  No! I am not trying to minimize the seriousness of the caregiving experience. I am saying that my response to it, currently, is not healthy for me. I am worth more than this frightened, self-centered, helpless girl who lives in me. I am stronger than the woman who steps in the stinking piles over and over again. I am going to ask God to show me what to do and to change my heart. Stand by. One day in the future there will be a post titled, "I Don't Go There Anymore".

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CathyJ

Lark, so easy to get stuck in the rut. Thanks for the great post and reminder that we can empower ourselves to make the changes. I'm with you on this.

jan

Lark, I admire and respect you for these reflections. It's so easy to get overwhelmed by the immediate need and not take time to go deep into the soul. These are hard things. Honesty is hard. Even seeking honesty is hard. I absolutely get it.