If It's Not Quitting - Why Does It Feel That Way?


If It's Not Quitting - Why Does It Feel That Way?

So had the meeting with the care facility. Grilled them for two hours. And since they used to be a client when I was doing HR consulting, that was probably a bit much. But I did have a lot of questions.

Got them all answered.

Mom is now on a waiting list for one of the rooms in their Greenhouse units. Ever heard of the Greenhouse Project? Check it out here. This is a great concept in skilled nursing care, and I was so hoping to get her into a place like this but wasn't sure that Medicaid would cover it but YES! it will be covered and she's on the list.

They can take her in a regular room probably in a few weeks but I don't want to move her several times in the process of all this. Not that I can take this much longer, I'm not sure that I have a few more weeks left in me. But they advised me to spend down more of her money from the stock sale -- go ahead and get a lift chair, that sort of thing.

Got a wheelchair this week. Naturally, Mom won't use it. Fights me getting into it but can't walk so... Same stuff different day. Same headache.

Yes, I am at the end of my rope. Yes, she needs more care now than before. Yes, I'm more than a little pissed that the care agency is now telling me that the girls are not allowed to lift more than 25 pounds so when Mom can't walk there's really nothing they can do. Yet, the wheelchair arrived on Thursday but the caregiver didn't use it on Friday and continued to assist her to walk. Without the gait belt either. I know this because I have cameras in the house.

So intellectually I know that setting things up with the care facility makes sense that it appears to be time. But emotionally that is a whole other story. I feel as though I am quitting on her. That once again my efforts aren't good enough, that I'll never be good enough.

And too, she isn't a person you can distract. There's no "oh look, a squirrel" tactic that is effective. She's aware enough to know where she is so you can't play games. I don't think she's going to "get over it", "get adjusted" after a week or so... she will know she isn't home. She will know she can't go home.

How am I supposed to NOT feel as though I am quitting on her?

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I understand the feeling and definitely experienced it when I moved my mom to assisted living. Sometimes still. But I am still caring for her in a different way. Chances are your mom will adapt to the new situation and the new home will become her place of safety and comfort. It doesn't happen right away, but it happens in most cases. For me, the transition was a dark tunnel and I second-guessed my choices so much, but then we eventually came out the other side and life is better for both of us. Mom is getting the care she needs and she still has her connection to me. I see her almost every day. I've followed your story and I really do feel for you and wish you the best.


A friend of mine made the difficult decision to move her mother into a nursing home after living with her for a full year (and running back and forth for several years before that).\r\nEven though it was very tough on her, I was there with her the weekend that her mother made the transition. Her mother was calm and received much attention. \r\nMy friend had a dream the night she placed her mom in the home. She dreamed she was flying through the air. She felt released. This didn't mean she did not love her mom. It meant she was released of the the weight of doing it all. Her mother's care had become too much for her and she willingly admitted it.\r\nI hope you have someone you can lean on when you make this transition. Maybe spend the night with a trusted friend or have them stay with you. I believe your mom will be welcomed and will adjust. My friend's mom has done well and is now 92.\r\nBlessings,\r\nJo


Hi Cat--Our emotions make this all so hard. How can it not feel like quitting? \r\n\r\nThese transitions are tough, heart-breaking. Your courage to make this transition is inspiring. \r\n\r\nThis facility sounds like a good solution. I love that you asked all the questions you did -- you know your mom best so know what she will need. I appreciate your concern about multiple moves and I think it's okay if you decide to move you to the regular first and then transfer her to the Greenhouse unit. The staff can help you with the transition. Perhaps if she moves into a regular room, she could visit the Greenhouse unit during the day. \r\n\r\nThank you so much for keeping us posted.