I'm Getting There


I'm Getting There

christmas-ornament-1823940_640Hard to believe Christmas is right around the corner. Seems like only yesterday 2016 began and now it's coming to a close.

Up until 2010, Christmas was my most favorite time of the year. I loved the feeling, the shopping, the snow, the spirit of the season. I've always been one who is aware of the mixed emotions this time of the year brings to many people. I always made a conscious point of listening closer, hugging longer and feeling deeper to all that cross my path. Then January 2011 came and Mom suddenly was gone. Just poof, she passed away -- no warning. I remember standing beside her bed and instantaneously raising the head section (Mom had a stoma from throat cancer and could not lay flat). I was annoyed that the paramedics had left her laying flat -- it still hadn't fully registered. Next thing I knew, 10 months had passed and Christmas 2011 was here. My daughter was excited to be putting up the tree, my hubby brought all the decorations upstairs and there I was, unable to smile. I didn't want to celebrate the season and I was no where near ready for the house to be decorated. I sat and watched (okay, cried) while the home was prepped -- decorations which usually made me smile broke my heart. I couldn't imagine how we were going to make it through the season. I was certain it couldn't get any worse.

Christmas day came, presents were opened, stockings had been hung. Dinner (which had been at my house back then for the past 23 years) began. I remember noticing my father a lot that dinner -- we had several tables set up and Dad moved from each, spending time with every grandchild. There was laughter from his stories filling my home -- I didn't expect that. I had no idea that was to be our last Christmas with Dad. He passed away suddenly November 2012.

This meant that our second Christmas without Mom was also to be our first Christmas without Dad.

And, as fate would have it, that Christmas, our second Christmas without mom, and our first Christmas without dad, turned out to be our final Christmas with my brother. Clayton passed away Dec 26th 2012.

So here we sit, Christmas 2016 is fast approaching. All those emotions and memories come flooding in daily. I liken it to a boat ride, out on very rocky water. Some waves (or if you wish, emotions/memories) are gentle, giving a wee rippling effect and others are enormous, flooding the boat. But, this time I feel like I have a life jacket on. Now, this jacket won't stop the waves from hitting my boat, but I have an inner peace in knowing that I'll get through it. I've proven that I can.

This holiday season, I'm letting the waves hit when they hit. It's okay -- I've got it. I've come to realize that I need the waves. They remind me of how, in the blink of an eye, life changes. This reminder is bringing back the old me. The one who listened closer, and hugged longer.  It took some time, and I admit I didn't think it would happen. But, I'm getting there.

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The Waves... Yes, let them come. I know waves of a different kind. Ride them, and they start to feel better, despite the tears.