Immobility

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Immobility

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It's been rough this week. Everything has started to hit.

I remember this delayed reaction thing from when my husband died back in 1995. Was expecting it but still ...

Can't do anything. Can't get motivated to do anything.

Need to clean the house, won't feel half so overwhelmed if when I look around the house isn't a wreck. But no energy. Want to, but can't. Just can't. I half-way cleaned up the living room today and finally just pulled stuff out of the refrigerator and cleaned the containers - the three week old containers. Since I'm not planning on cultivating my own penicillin they needed to be cleaned. Besides when I get groceries Friday I need room to put stuff.

One friend has checked in on me this week. One.

So here we are a week out from the funeral and already everyone is done and moved on - understandable I suppose but checking in would be nice. The bringing me food thing would also be nice. Apparently no one does that here. Probably the only town in the Midwest that doesn't. Or maybe it's just my friends.

Just as well I suppose. I have been eating out at night because I just can't come home and cook. That was the routine. Come home from work and go straight into the kitchen to start dinner. I can't afford to do this but I can't bring myself to cook. At least this way I am eating, so I suppose that's a good thing. Although the 20+ pounds I gained thanks to the last 3 years of stress could stand to go away.

The nursing home is having a memorial for Mom on Wednesday at 2:00. I will be going to thank the staff. Th chaplain told me that they think a lot of me, which was nice to hear. Looking back on it in the month (minus a day) that Mom was there I was pretty much the only relative there. Except on Sundays when a couple of the others would show up. So I guess that made an impression. It's mostly for the staff and held at shift change to catch all of them who cared for her. It's a nice thing. I invited a couple of the friends who weren't able to make the funeral. Not coming to this either. Not working, but not coming. Board meetings, lunch engagements, you understand. No actually I don't but okay.

Obviously I won't be going back to the office after that - although I expect they will assume that I will. Except the office manager, she told me not to worry about it. So I won't.

Mostly I am immobile. I had forgotten that part of grief.

It sucks.

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Professor Cob

So sorry for your loss and grief. It is a harsh reality that people go back to their own lives and leave us to grieve alone. We are here for you! I am sending a virtual casserole--my famous chicken rotelle-- and a hug.\r\n\r\nLinda

KarenLavinia

It's taken a lot of years. I learned to do it so long ago, when I was diagnosed with MS. It's actually amazing how you can set the timer for a few minutes and really get a lot done in that tiny time. And of course, it gives you a huge mental boost to feel like you're doing \"something\" despite your circumstances. Thank you. Glad it helped.

Lark

I related so much to the \"I had forgotten that part.\" I do that with this long caregiving of Robert. I will know something and I know the drill but somehow it is different and I will realize I have forgotten that part again. When deep grief visits us I think all our routines freeze and fade out a bit. I find myself wandering aimlessly among the familiarity of my home but not connecting with any of it. Give yourself some time, Cat. You will bump into the corner of the sofa or a table one day and wake up, as if from a sleep, and you will remember. You will be a different you and yet your old self. and you will look around shake it off and begin the beginning of your new life. I don't know what to say about how others behave. I am sorry that has added to your struggle at this time in your life.

KarenLavinia

Thank you for writing this. I'd never lost anyone so close to me, so a part of my daily life - until Daddy died in December. I am so comforted to read your words. So, as you grieve and feel lost, please know that by sharing, you've helped me feel like what I'm experiencing (the same thing) is what others experience too.\r\n\r\nI have MS. And on days when I just don't have the energy or stamina to do anything, I call it a Self Care day. Just freeing myself to know that today I'm taking care of myself, lifts a bit of the burden of feeling like I \"should\" be cleaning the house, doing laundry or whatever. But also on these days, I do funny little things to at least feel like I'm getting something done. Instead of a \"to do\" list, which is invariably glaring at me by the end of the day, I set the timer instead. For me, I set it for 4 minutes and do whatever; put a load of laundry in, load a few dishes, water a few plants, cut a rose from the garden and put it in a pretty vase. This way, I actually accomplish a few things, but without the pressure. I might do the 4 minutes every hour or every two hours, or just do it once. I'm actually having a Self Care today.\r\n\r\nAnyway -- I'm sorry you're feeling this way. And I wish you lovely moments even when you're feeling down. Take care and again thank you for sharing. It helps!

CathyJ

Cat...so understand. One moment at a time. Hugs and prayers.