Metamucil for the Mind

jan

Metamucil for the Mind

jan
Metamucil_adFunny thing, this Memory Care business. It seems the more my mother loses memory, the more my memory increases. In focusing and obsessing over the most minute details of her life, I've become just the most dull and uninteresting person on the planet. Detail is the scaffolding of my life; without it, I would have no control at all. But no one really wants to know about my mother's care, not really. Not even the counselor who oohh'ed and aahh'ed in all the right places. She acted like she was surprised and moved by my plight, but she's skilled at her job. I'm not telling her anything she hasn't heard so many times before. I'm not special or unique. No one else can possibly understand the detail that drives me, the successes or failures, and no one else really cares, either. Except other family caregivers.

While disease erases memory after memory from my mother's mind, my mind fills with layer upon layer of (mostly unsuccessful) attempts to do an end-run around it. I feel like a multi-storied suitcase factory stuffed with negative memories. I drag each and every suitcase around with me and open them when anyone says, "Well, have you tried THIS?" "Yes." "How about THIS?" "Yes, tried that, it didn't work either." "Hey, this is a great idea." "It worked twice and then never worked again." "This looks promising, try IT." "No, I tried that two years ago." I'm the Spokes Model for Over-stuffed Suitcases. I'm a bore to other people and I even bore myself. I say no to everything based on my extensive and exhaustive experience before giving it a try. And so tiring; it is all so tiring to carry.

Sometimes I wish my memory didn't work so well. What a horrible thing to wish, counterbalanced only by the panic at the thought I'll get early-onset Alzheimer's Disease. What I need is a good cleansing of the hippo campus, all those brain neural layers that help make visual-spacial-memories. A big dose of the Grainy Orange Stuff, yeah, that's it, in my brain.

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4 Comments

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LilMagill

Oh my gosh, people, with their advice! \r\n\r\nI love your writing, Jan.

Denise

Ah, <a href='http://www.caregiving.com/members/worriedwife/' rel=\"nofollow\">@worriedwife</a>, you are music to my ears! We're a rock band. :)

Denise

Wow. I totally get how you wish you could erase some memories--and yet wow! what a wish. \r\n\r\nI also related to the suggestions others offer. I get a lot of suggestions on how to run my business. :) Honestly, I really don't want suggestions--I want support. I want \"I believe in you and all that you are doing.\" I know the suggestions, I struggle with keeping the faith. \r\n\r\nI think all that you're doing is just incredible. I love your attention to detail--it makes you a beautiful writer. I believe in you and all that you are doing.

Lillie Fuller

:) Thanks for sharing! In my case, my 88 year old mom remembers everything for both of us!!! She is the caregiver of my memory!