Mourn

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Mourn

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drop-of-water-417468_640I'm sitting here in the hospital again, waiting while Grandma has her PT appointment (one of two per week) and, as Heaven be my witness, I'd rather be anywhere else but here.

My mother died in this hospital, a little over two weeks ago. I never used to hate this place, not really. But now....

Mom always deeply loathed, despised and hated hospitals. All hospitals. The sad and bitter irony of her dying in one just floors me. I'm pretty sure that if she had a choice, she would sooner have made her final departure from the self-checkout line at Walmart. Since home was apparently not an option.

In the days since she died, I've had very little time to just sit alone, to think, to remember. To mourn. My husband and kids have been very gentle with me. And I am indescribably thankful for this. Grandma, however, has not eased up on me, or cut me any slack. I don't think she's being deliberately unkind. I do think she is simply clueless about the feelings of others. Any others. Including me. It just has not occurred to her that driving her to the hospital twice a week could be a problem for me.

Truthfully, it's agony. I'm sitting here with my head ducked down, avoiding any eye contact, or conversation. While streams of silent tears run down my face. When she comes back out, she'll probably notice, and wonder.

But she won't ask.

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Chris

I echo Becca's words. I can't imagine how you feel. Thoughts and prayers with you.

Goldie

Sending you my love.

Desiree

Thank you Denise and Becca. Being able to unburden my heart here makes it a little bit easier to bear. I think part of my problem is that, while her actual death was peaceful, the days and hours leading up to it were anything but. I saw things I can never unsee, heard things I can never unhear. Things I can't bring myself to fully describe here. I also suspect that the fact that our relationship was conflicted from day one also seems to make this more painful and difficult.\r\n\r\nThank you again for your kind words.

Denise

Oh, Desiree, I so wish we could sit with you! I'm so glad you wrote to us, though. I hope it helped to know that through your words, we feel your heartache and wrap in our arms.

BeccaB

I wish I could be there to give you a hug. I just said a prayer for you, Desiree.