My Own Worst Enemy

Casandra Porter

My Own Worst Enemy

Casandra Porter
Emoticons_Worried_faceI am exhausted and extremely tired but I have not had a good night's sleep since we moved.

Everyone tells me to stop worrying, things will work out, etc, etc. I get it. They usually work themselves out despite the pitfalls we have to face on our way to our destination but I can't shake this fear off.

When we were living alone, I didn't sleep, either. I got on average, about four hours a night. If that. I was afraid to go to sleep and wake up to Marc having a seizure or needing some sort of help. But I made it work. Work and taking care of Marc. Lots of stress but I kept going.

I feel as if I am at a stand still and that is what sucks. I am used to doing. If not for Marc then for someone else. And a BIG reason for this move is because I had tons of people relying on me all the time but no one I could rely on myself. And moving minimized their dependency on me. It was to give me a break.

Yet, I am just now realizing, although I was always going, tired and angry at the lack of help I received, their dependency on me made me dependent on them. I needed their constant neediness to keep me focused and moving.

Now, don't get me wrong, even though I am not working, I am not sitting around idle, either. I am doing lots of things. Just nothing that feels... productive.

Marc has been hell bent on regaining his independence. So, I pretty much let him and his friend wander. They do what they want whenever they want. As long as he's taken his meds (which he pops his head into whatever room I'm in to tell me the minute he's done it) then he has pretty much been having the time of his life. Playing video games, watching movies, cartoons, and playing more video games. Oh, did I mention, my husband is a gamer.

This is great! Because for a long while he didn't even want to look at a video game. He didn't want to do anything. He was so depressed. I am glad he's happy and motivated to do something... anything.

But I, on the other hand, am feeling so demotivated. Which is the entire reason I keep having panic attacks and cannot sleep.

What's sad is... there were a million things I wanted to do. Craft projects I wanted to start. Writing I wanted to finish. Classes I wanted to sign up for. Books I needed to finish or wanted to start. But I don't have the motivation to do any of these things.

Mainly my days are spent trying to force myself to nap for more than five minutes at a time, worrying about Marc and the insurance issue and everything else, or cleaning. And let me tell ya, there ain't much to clean.

I am my own worst enemy right now and I just want to slap myself and say, "Snap out of it!"

Today is Marc's first doctor appointment with his new doctor. They couldn't assure me they would see us until we got there. We have a plan to go to the ER and request the MRI there if they do refuse to see us; however, I am hoping that my biggest fear that has caused this paralyzing behavior will be removed with this appointment and tonight I can sleep. This appointment is the biggest issue weighing heavily on my mind right now.

Wish us luck!

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ejourneys

Oh, I hear you. I've been there. So much I've wanted to do, and absolutely zero motivation even when I have the time and space to do it.\r\n\r\nWhat worked for me was allowing that paralysis to happen, without self-judgment. And that's hard for a self-starter like me. I had to learn a new way of Be-ing.\r\n\r\nThe thing is, I was paralyzed on the outside. But on the inside, beyond where I could actually see it or really feel it, I knew that my body and soul were doing a lot of hard work and making a lot of adjustments. I knew I had to give myself the time and the space for that, though I didn't have to like it. I just had to accept it. The more I fought against it, the more depressed I got.\r\n\r\nI had to let the old clear out to make way for the new, whatever the new was. I had to ditch the \"shoulds\" (\"I should be productive!\"). I had to accept that my exhaustion came from heavy lifting that I otherwise couldn't detect.\r\n\r\nI hope the appointment went well and am keeping my fingers crossed that you have peace and rejuvenation. (((Hugs)))