Needing to Vent

Meryl
In the past month I have packed up the old place and moved into the new place. While I am still in shock how I lost everything as well as so much money, I am starting to love my new place and feel settled in. Closing the old place was hard since the landlord and his wife were very uncaring people but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that karma will play it's role at some point. Mom was doing good up until yesterday. For about a week she has had a cold/cough and it is progressively getting worse. I spoke to the doctor and they gave her Robitussin. It really hasn't done much for her.  Yesterday morning Mom seemed disoriented. First time I have heard her like that in awhile. She didn't know where she was going for dialysis and I explained that she goes to her regular place. She wasn't feeling well enough to go so she decided to cancel and reschedule for today.  About 2 this morning Mom called me hysterical crying. She couldn't figure out what was going on with her and she was scared. She was hallucinating a bit and I thought maybe it had to do with some of her meds interacting with the cough medicine. The nurse gave her some tylenols and then she seemed to feel a bit better. This morning Mom called me and seemed fine and she said she couldn't understand why she was like that during the night. I told her I would call her back which was about an hour later and when I did she was out of sorts again. She didn't know where she had to go today and then mentioned dialysis was either going to bring a machine to her bed or she was going to another dialysis center which would be in the hospital. I explained that to bring the dialysis machine to her they would only do that in the hospital and she wasn't there. She then told me she couldn't walk and asked if they could bring a stretcher instead of her sitting in a chair in the ambulette. I went to visit Mom tonight and she looked terrible. The nurse took her vitals and her oxygen level was low so they put her on oxygen. She hasn't eaten anything today and hasn't gone to the bathroom since Sunday and kept complaining about pains in her stomach. I told her that in order for her to have a bowel movement she has to eat which she said she didn't want to. On top of this she didn't realize she had a colostomy bag and kept trying to go to the bathroom the regular way which I told her was a waste of time to get out of bed but she kept fighting me on it. At one point Mom told me twice she wished she was dead. I started to cry. This is so hard for me. In all of this I am finding out that Mom was walking before I got there and talking to people and when I get there I get the "poor me" routine. Honestly I don't know how to handle this. I know my mom and she does like when others take care of her and wants my attention because she knows she can get it but I am so tired and burnt out by taking care of others that it makes me sick. I have been through so much these past few months and I just want life to go back to normal, whatever that is.

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