Newsflash: I Can't Do Everything No Matter What She Thinks


Newsflash: I Can't Do Everything No Matter What She Thinks

So today at phyiscal therapy, the medical center had a nurse meet with us to talk about other resources that we might be able to use. Now, I was informed that this would happen while Mom was working with the therapist. Nope.

So the more we talked about the situation, the finances, etc. the more agitated Mom is getting. No. She doesn't want to know whether we can get funding help to have the caregiver in for longer each day. No. She doesn't want to use a life alert thingy. No. I'm not supposed to discuss how things are financially and how we need to plan ahead for a time when she can't be at home. And so on. I kept saying this is not a good idea, we're upsetting her... to no avail. The real pissy-ness hit the fan when the nurse started to talk about respite care.

She is of the opinion that I will and can do everything. Clean the house. Fix the dinner. Take care of the cats. Work 40 hours a week. Take care of the yard. The bills. The groceries. And pay for all of it out of the meager amount I take home each paycheck.

So I shouldn't have to have the caregiver come in for more than two hours a day. Oh. And that the caregiver while she's here she isn't to do anything in the light housekeeping department. Because I should do everything. No one else should be allowed in the house. Ever.

Let's forget for a minute that it is my house, that I have no one else to help with things - no child, no spouse, no friend with tons of time on their hands - and assume that there is more than 24 hours in a day and that I don't need sleep. Even with all those magical assumptions I couldn't do it. I am one person. I need 7 hours of sleep at night to function. I have a full time job that is necessary to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.

Right now it is 10:00 p.m. The second load of laundry is in the washer and two more are in the wings (because you have to wash her whites in hot water, extra soiled function, twice with a LOT of stain remover and anti-bacterial additive), there are dishes in the sink that can't go in the dishwasher (because glass breaks you see so plastic is necessary), the rest of the litter boxes need to be cleaned (got one done - her cat's), trash needs to go out because tomorrow is trash day, company is coming this weekend and the house needs cleaned (the caregiver recall isn't allowed by Mom to dust and clean as I have asked her to while she's here) and I am just now sitting down to write this - just now.

She went to bed at 9:00 tonight because I wouldn't sit with her and watch TV (see previous paragraph for reasons) and was still mad at me for a friend dropping over to ask me if I could fix her computer (couldn't, that issue was above my geek-grade) as you see, no one is supposed to talk unless it is to her.

But she has a good time at physical therapy. Even though she won't let the caregiver go over her exercises with her - I have to do that or she won't do them at all. She even took the sheets out of my binder and hid them so I wasn't able to have them tonight at therapy.

I can't do everything. She thinks I can. I'm too exhausted to be flattered.

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CatKBorn, I feel your frustration. I'm living with my Mom in one state and my home and Husband are in another state (a four hour drive away). My mother had OCD long before dementia set in (we knew this), but my sister and I had no idea how bad it was until my Dad passed suddenly in July. Well-meaning relatives sometimes say exactly the WRONG things to her -- things that agitate her more. My sister, who has a good career and lives four hours away, is rarely here, and when she is it is for 36 hours tops. I seem to be taken totally for granted.\r\n\r\nSoon I will have to go to MY doctor and dentist (I'm diabetic and have dental issues) in my state, and I'll be gone for a week. I need a good respite caregiver ... not looking forward to this!!


If I were you, I would go back to that Med Center to talk to the nurse or ask for another one who might be more understanding and sign up for all the services and any help they can give you. Make sure you have legal and medical power of attorney and proceed to make decision that make since for your mother and for you.\r\n I Know how it is. My husband does not want the cleaning lady to come and clean. She comes any way. He doesn't want the caregiver to come to help him. He comes anyway. He doesn't want me to go to yoga class, line dancing class, the grocery store or to church. I go anyway!\r\n I know that this is the dementia talking not my husband who always wanted to make life easier for me, not harder .A wise woman once said \"You can't let the person with dementia run the show\".