No Longer Present, But Never Forgotten

LynetteWhiteman
A week has passed since my son's wedding. My dress and shoes are put away and my diet has started to fail.  What remains is wonderful memories along with time for bittersweet reflections.  I promised myself that I would be present and enjoy all the love that was surrounding us.  I also vowed to try and hold it together emotionally to not make the day about the losses I was feeling.  When I was young, my nickname was "Princess Waterfall" because of how easily I  cried.  I guess now I would be called "Queen Mother Waterfall."

Because my mother has dementia and needs the safety of her routine with no disruptions she was not able to attend the wedding.  She couldn't remember that her grandchild was getting married and when I returned asked where I was. I grieve this loss of her involvement and the joy she would have taken if this awful disease did not rob her and us.

My dad died 7 years ago and it is him I especially grieved for.  He was so close to my son growing up, his nickname for him was "Binky."  He spent hours with my son on his lap reading books to him, trying to turn him into a golfer (failed) and commiserating with him about the Mets and other assorted losing sports teams.  I know he would have so proud to see the wonderful man my son has grown into and he would have absolutely adored my new daughter-in-law.

As I begin this new chapter of life being the mother of a married son and someone's mother-in-law, it makes me think about my own time here on earth and what I wish for. I know 2 things for sure -   I wish for my own children to feel as loved as I did and I wish that my dad somehow knows that he will never be forgotten, he will always have a prominent place in all our hearts.

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