Not A People Person

CatKBorn

Not A People Person

CatKBorn
I am so NOT people person. I am a loner. I grew up an only child with asthma so running and playing was limited. I sat on the sidelines a lot and read books. I need time by myself. Totally by myself, preferably in the woods. It's how I recharge. I don't like being around people all the time, I can't cope without alone time. And trees.

I no longer have alone time. Or trees.

I work in an office 8 to 5, well not an office -- a cubicle. There are no doors to close. No escape except the 45 minutes I manage for lunch on the off-day when I don't have to run an errand or six.

I come home and have no peace. None. Followed everywhere. Pestered constantly to do this or that RIGHT NOW without a minute to breathe.

Tried to find a Tai Chi class as I find that to be very entering and calming. Not offered any more. And of course I can't find the old VHS tape I had - so I can replace it with a DVD version. Can't do yoga due to problems with a knee and my feet cramping up constantly.

Came home again today to peanut butter everywhere. Had put a small, manageable container for her in the cupboard BIG sign that it was hers. Put the lid tight on the actual jar of peanut butter. Nope. Large jar was half empty from being scooped out with her fingers, small container untouched. Peanut butter all over everything inside of the cabinet. Lid off of the marshmallow cream. Jar of Tahini in the 'fridge. Peanut butter all over the stove, the counter but at least not the floor this time. Had to throw the large jar out because she she will NOT wash her hands even after going to the bathroom it was no longer safe to eat.

Talked to Home Instead Senior Care on Wednesday evening. Had to battle her yelling NO! every few minutes. They can set up coming in two days a week for three hours at a time (requires 3 hours in order get the lower hourly rate of $21.50) but don't see how we can afford over $500 a month. Want to use an agency so that anyone coming into my home has been background checked, bonded and insured. She has too much money in the bank to get Medicaid services, can't afford private pay services. She has more money in the bank than I do but if one of us gets sick we need to have money to pay bills. So take a risk and pay for care two days a week or play it safe and I continue to suffer.

I talked to a behavioral health professional this week too. No matter how much I hear that I'm doing everything right, etc. I don't feel as though I am. I'm angry all the time. My shoulders are painfully tight. I'm gaining weight 'cuz I am stress eating. But I am not "bad enough" to warrant meds for me - and the side effects scare me. I'm coping. To which I am inclined to yell: LIKE HELL I AM