Patterns

Lisa

Patterns

Lisa
bokeh-21951_640(1)When I think of patterns, I like to think of the normal things we think of. Quilt patterns, dress patterns, craft patterns. Constructive things. Also, things that you can use to bring enjoyment to you.

Lately I've had some different patterns, so to speak, occurring in my life. Dad's health is declining. Some days he's strong enough to get up, some days not. Some days I get him up but then I can't get him back to bed. Some days he eats well, some days he doesn't. Patterns in a different way.

My health is seeming to break down somewhat as well. Now that allergy season has kicked in, it's doing a number on my head. Literally. Stuffy nose and clogged ears do NOT make for a happy caregiver. Hard for communication, too, not to mention headaches. Back and shoulder pain from lifting, and zero energy level. Patterns, again negative.

It seems like I've lost my focus, I've dropped behind this week in classwork for my college classes, I think about catching up but something else happens. Patterns. I don't like this type of patterns.

I'm looking forward to days I feel better, days I have more strength, and days Dad feels better. I also worry that the patterns with him could be the beginning of a serious decline. I worry so much. I pray a lot, I have friends praying, but when it's only me and my daughter (who works full time and then comes home to deal with this), I feel so isolated, so depressed and alone.

I know I should be on the site more, to be in better communication with other caregivers. I know what all I need to do, I just can't seem to do it.

I feel like I'm breaking down as well. Physically, emotionally in all ways, I feel broken and crumpled. But I have to look strong and have a very good poker face so Dad won't see how worried I actually am. I was blogging the other day and lost my post. It upset me so bad that this is the first time I tried again.

Any advice on these things I've mentioned would be welcomed from my fellow caregivers. Because you understand. You've been there, or you could be in the same place I am. I really hope you're not though.