Praying for Peace

Thedogmama

Praying for Peace

Thedogmama
peacePushing 95 is a ripe old age. Ya gotta have guts and a sense of humor to get there. But even with that there comes a time when your body just starts to fail you, and maybe even your mind.

We have had a rough couple of months, Mom and I. Since the failed hip surgery last December (it’s really the pelvic bone that is letting her down, not really the surgery – Thanks Mr. Osteoarthritis/osteoporosis – NOT!), Mom has struggled to retain her sense of humor and sense of self. A typical independent New Englander, the loss of mobility and the reliance on others for absolutely everything has finally taken its toll.

Over the last few days we have had leaking catheters, phases of dementia, a UTI, an upper respiratory infection, uncontrolled coughing sometimes leading to throwing up but always leading to breathlessness, and escalating pain in her neck, shoulders and hands. Some evenings she can barely figure out how to use her fork to eat dinner. The arthritis is so bad in her hands I thought the next step is to tell the caregivers they will have to feed her because she just can’t hold the fork any more. Can you imagine how that must feel? I just want to shake my fist skyward and yell, “Isn’t this enough yet? How much pain and indignity can one little old lady be expected to take?!” She has been crying almost every night when it is bedtime, sobbing that she has had enough, she asks why she is still here and then thanks me for all I have done and worries that she sounds ungrateful for all the people who take such good care of her.

Our wonderful doctor was here today. He has known her for four years now. We talked about the fact that she is so anxious she can barely rest her head on the pillow. The pain is again out of control and sleep has been eluding her. (Not to mention me consequently.) She is tired of fighting this fight. Not the fight of some rare or terminal disease. Just the fight of a failing body and a failing mind. She is ready to join my father and her six brothers and sisters. So we prayed together, held hands and sang a hymn. It is time to turn fully to comfort care. Time to make her as comfortable as possible and let nature take its course.

Hospice is coming tomorrow. Selfishly I hope this will proceed quickly, but I know her, and in this last four years I can count too many times when I thought “This is it, the old girl’s a gonner” and then my little energizer bunny of a mom proved me wrong. This time however, I am hoping and praying she finds peace.

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4 Comments

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LilMagill

I don't think your wish is selfish at all but very loving. I am so sorry for your mother's suffering, and yours.

Thedogmama

Thank you all for you kind replies. I will keep you posted as I continue on this leg our journey. All prayers and hugs gratefully accepted. Your love covers the miles and keeps me in its fold. Thank you.

EllysGdaughter

TDM, it is such a privilege to hear your thoughts and decisions at this time. I am thinking like you in that, my energizer bunny at almost 94 seems to bounce back and maybe will live to be 100!! I know I can't take that! These strong ladies who are so stoic much of the time have such a hard time letting others give them comfort. I think the stress of losing control causes most of Elly's pain since she doesn't have much other than kidney failure going on! I hear you, the relief of hospice will provide comfort to your mom. Hoping for rest and praying for peace too! (((HUGS))) to both of you!

Denise

Thank you so much, TDM, for the update. I'm thinking of you and your mom. I hope all goes well with hospice today--that you like the staff and they can help manage your mom's pain. I'm sending peaceful thoughts for both of you. Let us know, as you can, how you're doing.