Rainy Days and Life Questions

Thedogmama

Rainy Days and Life Questions

Thedogmama
glass-97504_640I love rainy days. It has been a while here in New England. Winter was brutal and spring? Well, spring has been nonexistent until this week. We went from 30 degrees to 80 and didn’t stop in between. But this week has been more like it, seasonable as they say, but dry. We haven’t had any rain so today is special. I like the quiet of the house on a rainy day. The puppy is sleeping on the kitchen floor, Mom’s cat Molly is sleeping in the now guest room on Mom’s old bed. The parrot is imitating the phone--beeping, saying “hello” and then holding a conversation with herself.

I am trying to sort through life at this point. I think it would be more under control if I were still working, so I had a more rigid schedule now that caregiving is no longer my primary focus. Am I still grieving? I’m sure the answer is yes, but after nine months since Mom passed I am beginning to wonder if it is grief or I am just plain lazy. I think, sitting here, that I could just sit forever. Read, close my eyes, do nothing. When I get up and get started my energy returns. Exercise class is fine; I certainly don’t drag my feet there! Getting the basics done is no problem. Cleaning, laundry, food shopping, taking Calista to puppy classes and stuff like that. But when you aren’t taking care of someone 24/7 there seems to be a lot of time on your hands.

Another challenge is the lonely part. I worked in sales for over 11 years. Out on the road, talking to lots of customers and coworkers. You don’t get into sales if you aren’t a social individual. When I retired at 62 it was only six months before we had to bring Mom here to live with us full time. So I went directly from a 60 hour a week job to a 24/7 job. Now there is nothing to do, no one to talk to. Or... it only seems that way. There really is plenty to do. I have piles of stuff to do: cleaning, window washing, sewing, filing, organizing, and gee, it would be nice to do a little painting and sprucing up around here. There are people to talk to also. I have my hubby, I have lunch with a good friend every other week, our kids live only an hour from here.

I keep rambling on here trying to sort out my thoughts. Is this how you feel when you reach 66? Slower- more willing to sit and do nothing? If hubby were still working five days a week I would probably go job hunting. But he has cut back to late Monday afternoon through Thursday. Can you imagine this 66-year-old potential employee interviewing? “Oh yes, I would bring lots of experience and dedication to the job, but I only want to work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. No Fridays or Mondays whatsoever, and by the way, I only want to work 10 to 4, and have the five weeks of vacation off that my husband has off.” Okaaaay.

So, I question myself. Is it grief? Is it loneliness? Am I getting older, or am I just plain lazy? Hmm, doesn’t the rain sound nice? Where is my book?

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Denise

I love this post, TDM. :) I think it's about giving your body a rest. You're not lazy, you're not old, you're simply recovering from a very long journey.\r\n\r\nI hope you guys had a great weekend with time in the kayaks.

jan

So maybe you don't have to call it anything, or categorize it at all. Maybe it's all of it and maybe it's none. It's the moment you have, the space for the present moment. And as life would have it, it will eventually fill up again. Perhaps if you keep doing the things you are all ready doing to stay physically and mentally well, you will look up at some point and find you have filled the gap, there is no gap any longer, and you didn't notice when it even happened.

Jean

Oh, TDM.... I was just thinking about this same issue and talking to P about it. I told him to please help me get off my butt and do something. More sorting and purging and my goal was to have two bedrooms painted by now, but I haven't even bought the paint. Once I get started, I do OK, and I have managed to make it to my water aerobics on a regular basis despite the desire to stay on the couch and just do Zentangle....!\r\n\r\nPart of it for me may still be some grief, but I think the lack of imposed deadlines and defined schedules is one of my downfalls. It always seemed the more I had to do the more I got done.... probably because of no time to waste. But now I waste too much time... or so says the German hard work ethic voice in my head.\r\n\r\nP says he thinks we just needed this time to unwind and rediscover ourselves and our relationship also .... it was a lot of years of caregiving and stress. Finding a new direction is perplexing at times also. I do think that the loss of the caregiver roll in and of itself is a huge part of the transition. Just think about it. If you had a job to return to, it helps you carry on, but when you lose your mom and your roll together... there isn't the built in routine to carry you along a new journey. We have to find our way anew.